To not allow my 5 year old to go to a party tomorrow

Just a tiny tip but often a child's hand can be quite difficult to hold firmly, it's small, they can be hot and sweaty and wriggly. Much more effective to hold him above the wrist, on the lower forearm, you have a much more secure hold there and it's almost impossible for them to wriggle out of it.

Love this

Not letting him go to his friend's party and too harsh and over the top.

Easily done in the heat of the moment and I've done it myself but once I've calmed down and had a think about it I came up with a more fitting punishment usually a list of jobs to do instead.

He's young, neurodiverse and tired from school. I would wonder if he was really capable of controlling his impulse control at that point? The solution is to do things differently, can you hold his hand on the way to the car, or have something enticing he can access when he gets it?

I think that punishing him for something he can't control is pointless, and even if you think he did have control, a punishment the next day is likely too far apart from the offence to have an impact.

Also, it sounds like you're punishing him for you falling, which was actually not his fault. He didn't intend for you to fall, and I doubt he had the mental capacity to understand it was a risk.

Everybody treating their children as if they have severe behavioural needs is not resulting in emotionally healthy people coming out the other side. Sure if you have a child with some kind of oppositional disorder where they genuinely will not respond to consequences then you have to put on your big girl pants and do the consequence! The thing is this is actually kind in the short and long term because children feel safe with boundaries. No wonder there are so many anxious young people when their own parents cannot effectively create a safe, structured environment with clear rules and consequences.

This. I heard a leader in education the other day state that one of the main challenges in schools right now is that parents don’t run their own households - the children do. You don’t have to pander to a 5 year old. They should do as they’re told - and if that isn’t possible you physically hold them tightly and lead them.

It doesn’t matter if they whinge and moan - your sole job is to get him from the school gate to the car safely. If he can’t be trusted not to run off, you should hold his hand in an iron grip and be very serious in your verbal tone about your expectations of his behaviour. There is no Freddo Frogs or treats for children who don’t do as they’re told.

Genuinely confused by the idea that human children cannot link delayed consequences to bad behaviour. The advice to sanction/reward immediately is the advice I follow for training dogs, who have no comprehension of time and no ability to make causal links unless ‘action’ is immediately linked to good/bad thing. But we are discussing human children here, who also have to be taught about delayed consequences - and who (unless there is some developmental delay) can fully understand ‘you did this thing so later that will result in this thing’ by the time they are about 2 and half!

All of this.

I am all for consequences and firmly believe that most behaviour issues are due to soft parenting. However, I think the punishment is a bit harsh. It sounds as though you were embarrassed and angry at falling over and so reacted in the way you did. Firmly talk to him about car park safety but I don't think this punishment is appropriate.

I agree with this

Also some of the delusional you should apologise responses are absolutely wild. It’s 100% on you to try your upmost to teach your child right from wrong. The delulus are raising what will be the worst of society moving forward. I get it’s not where we were raised 80s/90s and hitting your child is not ok but doing the complete opposite of I’m so sorry do what you want when you want because it’s how you feel is every bit as wrong

You could always make it a natural consequence too, if your "arm is too sore to drive".

I'm surprised by other posters saying he won't make the link between a poor action and a consequence, if they're a day apart. My 5 and 3 year old certainly make the connection if it's morning / afternoon. I feel like they'd still get it, if it were the next day. Saturdays, if they fight in the morning whilst we're doing chores / getting ready to go out, they don't get ice-cream in the afternoon, at the park / museum / whatever. They absolutely understand the link, and are markedly better behaved on weeks after I've followed through on a consequence.

To go against the grain I think you should follow through with it, you told him his behaviour was unsafe (and regardless of you falling/being embarrassed or not) he continued after you told him there would be consequences.

It will feel really shit when you’re telling him he can’t go because he ignored you while you told him what he was doing was dangerous, however it’s really important he understands that even though he may not be immediately able to calculate/understand why what you say is dangerous but it’s important to understand you’re telling him it for a reason

I disagree with the majority here. He is 5, not a dog. He can fully comprehend that he did a bad thing and the consequence is delayed - he doesn’t get to go to the party. Also in my experience it is really not a good idea to go back on your stated consequence/boundary. He will just think you are not as good as your word when it comes to boundary setting. Perhaps the consequence is too severe, but also you have implemented it now and should follow through. Next time try to work out a proportionate consequence.

Don't beat yourself up OP, these things happen. There are no rights or wrongs with parenting, everyone does things differently. My kids are 16 & 13 now and I'm still learning! Going through a particularly tough time with my newly diagnosed neurodiverse 13 year old and you can only do what you can! Things will settle, he's still so young! You've got this 💙 x

This focus on boundaries is exactly what gentle parenting is about. I prefer the term respectful parenting. Nothing airy fairy about either of these approaches.

Immediate natural consequence for running off is ‘you must hold my hand now to keep you safe’, not a random and unrelated ‘you can’t go to a party’

This

Also, a young child running around isnt bad behaviour. Its them naturally regulating their overloaded nervous system after all day or all week at school. Its very difficult for them to stop doing it as their body is longing for that release of tension. Is there a place you can let him burn his energy before getting into the car? Do you need to go by car at all? Learn some strategies/exercises to do with him to regulate his nervous system. It may be things like running, stomping feet, roaring like a lion, butterfly hug, hanging him upside down, ... you need to search what works for him and the situation.

You are actually punishing the birthday child by removing your child from the party and potentially letting down a parent who may have paid out £££ for his place. Punishments should never be visited the next day and should always be proportionate. Removing your child from a party because you fell over is not a natural consequence. Five-year-olds can be utter dickheads, especially after a full week of school. Personally, I would never chase a child around a car park as chase is just a fun game when you’re five.

Of course you should let him go! And you should apologize for telling him he couldn’t, and for yelling at him - both cruel and unnecessary.

There is nothing wrong with you son, his behavior is age appropriate and he was simply disregulated.

There is nothing novel about letting a child calm down and regulate before trying to discus their behavior. It is literally impossible for their brains to process language when they are overrun by emotion and dysregulated.

There is so much reading you and your husband can (and really need to!) do.

Avoid labeling behavior ‘good’ or bad, learn about natural consequences not random punishments, priorities connection and stop pathologising typical 5yo behavior and adjust your expectations.

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Don't be so hard on yourself OP. Sounds like things can be challenging at times and you are working really hard to find strategies that work and also trying to do the right thing by him - hence the post here for advice.

Not letting him go to the party isn’t really fair on the party child, nor the parent that’s paying for the party. Or the child that didn’t get invited because of numbers.
Find a punishment that only affects your son.

Judging by the poll and the comments this wont be popular but I do not think he should go the party.

Firstly, you told him a consequence. By not seeing it through you will lose all credibility. He will take nothing you say seriously again.

Secondly, and I am sorry to be so blunt but, he sounds like an indulged little sod who needs a few hard lessons. Teaching isnt working, it doesnt with some kids, so a "right, you were told, you didnt listen so here is what happens as a result". His actions resulted in danger for him and an injury for you, there is no way on earth he deserves to go to that party.

He is 5, more than old enough to understand what he did. Four of my six children are ND, another has learning difficulties due to brain damage, but they all knew what the rules were and had no trouble following them. They also all knew that not following the rules (not onerous, mainly about their own and others safety) would have consequences.

You are being way too soft with him and need to harden up a bit. ND is no excuse for bad behaviour of the sort you describe. A meltdown due to emotional disregulation is one thing, but he was being a little shit.

Sometimes I think it's just his age and the face he's a boy that he struggles to listen to instructions etc.

What does ‘the fact he’s a boy’ have to do with anything?
I find that ‘typical boy’ stereotype very tiring and perpetuates a myth that boys are inherently more badly behaved than girls and therefore excused as something they can’t help. Such a limiting attitude. Boys are absolutely as capable of listening and good behaviour as girls. I find it interesting that the “Well, he is a boy” attitude suggests the same behaviour wouldn’t be accepted from a girl. What are we teaching our children?

Anyway, your child is 5 years old and this behaviour is not wildly out of the ordinary for his age.
He needs you and dad to be clear and consistent with your expectations and have age appropriate consequences when he crosses the boundaries. Even if there is SEN need, boundaries and consistency is crucial.