Page 2 | To be so anxious for toddler dance tomorrow!

Pariahofthetoddlertroupe · 2026-01-30T20:46:47+00:00

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but I feel awful and I’m hoping someone can talk some sense into me. DD, age 4, does a Sat morning dance class. She’s been going for a year. For about the past 6 months, me and four other mums have moved past chit chat in class to being a bit closer. We’ve established a routine that after class the 4 of us take the kids to a nearby park, the kids play and we get coffees. Not everyone goes every week, but whenever we’re around, we do. It’s become such a routine we now bring enough snacks for each others kids (just small bits), one of us will shout coffees each time etc. so it’s not anything formal but totally expected, and the kids expect it too. last Saturday, they were sort of milling around, so I asked if anyone wanted to go. Turns out one of them had organised for the three of them to go to another activity after class. I was stood there like a numpty with a backpack full of snacks for 4 kids. I felt so embarrassed. Poor DD kept trying to follow their kids and I had to gently guide her away. just for context, dd isn’t at a pushy or mean phase, she plays really nicely alongside the other girls. I’m polite and friendly. I KNOW they are completely entitled to decide they want a smaller group but it feels awful. I’m catstrophising - we’re relatively close to each others homes so DD is likely end up at primary with them as well. So close that we used to drop in for things (spare craft supplies for nursery, or do you have a blender, those sorts of little things). I genuinely can’t think what I’ve done, other than the others are just a little bit more similar in background than me. I am dreading class tomorrow. What if they head off just the three of them, or even worse if they expect to go back?

Allswellthatendswelll · 30/01/2026 23:05

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 30/01/2026 21:49

Sorry OP I don't have any advice but I hate this kind of thing. You always think when your experiencing this happen at school that by the time your in your 20s/30s/40s then you won't have to experience this shit anymore. And then when you do it's just as rubbish as when you were 12.

I found it never happened as an adult until I had kids and made mum friends. Most of the actual friends I've made have been lovely but there are definitely some mean girl dynamics which come through in groups. I'm trying to learn to not let it steal my peace.

I'd stay on friendly terms with these Mums because you will be probably at the school gate for years but remember there will be loads more people you can be friends with.

GoldMerchant · 30/01/2026 22:53

Pariahofthetoddlertroupe · 30/01/2026 20:53

It was just a slightly further park/ playground, I would have happily joined if I was invited. I think I feel a bit insecure as I have a slightly tougher life than them (illness). I am really really conscious to never complain or be a Debbie downer but it is obviously evident. If they ask, I’ll answer really briefly but then move the conversation on . I’m worried they think I’m bringing down the vibe or something.

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I'm a bit confused by what happened! Did one of the mums say "Susan invited Jane and I to go to park B today" and then didn't say something like "do you want to join?" Did they expect that you would know you could just tag along? Or was it an activity that you needed to have planned to attend in advance?

I'm probably being overly charitable to your friends! I'm really sorry this happened to you. At the very least, they were supremely thoughtless not to have invited you. I think your idea to have back up "plans" is a good one.

Jeschara · 30/01/2026 22:45

It's very hurtful, but hard as it is don't sweat it. You deserve better than this behaviour. It sounds like there is the organiser and two followers.

FirstdatesFred · 30/01/2026 22:36

That's so mean 🙁
Are you on a WhatsApp group with them? How would they have communicated to make the plans?

I

Shrinkhole · 30/01/2026 22:30

Bluemin · 30/01/2026 21:18

That's mean. You're entitled to feel a bit shit about it but remember that they're the shots not you 😊

Interestingly, I had something similar to this happen when my kids were toddlers (they're teens now) - people i thought were friends organising to have coffee every week after a toddler music class without me, and talking about it in front of me! Met up with one of them at a dinner party recently and she actually apologised to me and said she felt really bad at how they had left me out and been so rude. She didn't say why they had done it and I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.

Sorry not sure if that is helpful but just wanted you to know you're not the only one it's happened to and ultimately this is about them, not you. Hold your head high.

I would so have wanted to respond with ‘oh right. If you say so. I don’t remember that at all’ and just pretend that I am was so unbothered it went over my head. I know I probably wouldn’t but I would want to.

Shrinkhole · 30/01/2026 22:22

Pariahofthetoddlertroupe · 30/01/2026 20:53

It was just a slightly further park/ playground, I would have happily joined if I was invited. I think I feel a bit insecure as I have a slightly tougher life than them (illness). I am really really conscious to never complain or be a Debbie downer but it is obviously evident. If they ask, I’ll answer really briefly but then move the conversation on . I’m worried they think I’m bringing down the vibe or something.

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If it was related to your illness then they are despicable people and your and DD are better off not being around people with such a shitty attitude

If it was nothing or some other reason and everything is normal this week I’d give them another chance.

Try to flip it in your head that you are giving them another chance and not the other way around. You are clearly a nice person and there will be plenty more fish in the sea at other groups and at school. You don’t need these people. If it works out all good and if it doesn’t you don’t let them see that you care at all and you move on as they are not worth the time and effort.

rockingroller · 30/01/2026 22:18

Good luck OP. This is hard for you and upsetting for DD who won't understand. But life will go on and she'll make other friends whether or not this group continues.

ParmaVioletTea · 30/01/2026 22:06

That’s very mean and immature of them @Pariahofthetoddlertroupe

Original poster

Pariahofthetoddlertroupe · 30/01/2026 21:50

thank you all for being so kind, I’ve had a small knot in my chest all week and I’m feeling a bit lighter. I’ll prep DD for the fact we might not go, and have some breezy fivtional plans ready in case they decide to all do something together again without us. I’ll still join if they do go to the park, for DD and it might just be a one off

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AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 30/01/2026 21:49

Sorry OP I don't have any advice but I hate this kind of thing. You always think when your experiencing this happen at school that by the time your in your 20s/30s/40s then you won't have to experience this shit anymore. And then when you do it's just as rubbish as when you were 12.

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/01/2026 21:48

Bitches.

crinklechips · 30/01/2026 21:46

I usually find with threads like this it seems the OP is overthinking/ catastrophising and there’s a reasonable explanation that they’ve not thought about.

But in this case it’s hard to think of anything. I am sorry OP that does just come across as at best unthinking and at worst downright cruel

hmmnotreallysure · 30/01/2026 21:43

Ah op, I would feel exactly the same as you, their behaviour isn't nice. Do you chat with them on WhatsApp? Just wondering if you can message to see if they're heading to the park tomorrow after dance class? At least you'll know beforehand.

VikaOlson · 30/01/2026 21:42

Oh that's really mean!

Original poster

Pariahofthetoddlertroupe · 30/01/2026 21:38

hmmnotreallysure · 30/01/2026 21:34

Did the rest of them know each other beforehand or did you all meet together at the dance class?

We all met at dance class. My DD and another girl met, then the other two joined shortly after

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hmmnotreallysure · 30/01/2026 21:34

Did the rest of them know each other beforehand or did you all meet together at the dance class?

Original poster

Pariahofthetoddlertroupe · 30/01/2026 21:32

hmmnotreallysure · 30/01/2026 21:30

So you usually go out as a 4 but they arranged for just the 3 of them to go, is that right? If so that's really, really shit of them!!!

Yeah that’s it. I think I’m taking it so hard because I might have built it up in my head, I was thinking aren’t I lucky I’ve made 3 friends AND our kids get along, this is the jackpot but maybe they were thinking this is a random mum from dance class, but not a friend.

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hmmnotreallysure · 30/01/2026 21:30

So you usually go out as a 4 but they arranged for just the 3 of them to go, is that right? If so that's really, really shit of them!!!

Original poster

Pariahofthetoddlertroupe · 30/01/2026 21:28

Shedeboodinia · 30/01/2026 21:12

Maybe someone else, another person who you don't know but knows them arranged the meeting?
Or do they know each other outside this group at another class?
It seems well that they would deliberately make a plan and deliberately not tell you.
I hate stuff like this, I find it really difficult to navigate mum friendships where you have onky met through your kids as the dynamics can be really weird.

Very possible. I think in that situation I would say, sorry we can’t join today, our mutual friend x has arranged y. But I’m not always articulate in awkward social situations so they may not have thought of saying that in the moment.

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FuelQuery · 30/01/2026 21:27

Similar to a pp, I think I'd go along the the lines of casually asking " So, how was activity XYZ?' I've thought of taking DD there but not sure if she'd enjoy it. What do you think"? Tilt head and let them flounder.

Original poster

Pariahofthetoddlertroupe · 30/01/2026 21:27

Driftingawaynow · 30/01/2026 21:18

Ostracism is so painful and makes our internal alarm systems go off, this is why you feel awful. We are social animals and exclusion would mean death in days gone by.
however, this may not be actual ostracism so try to soothe yourself and be with those who love you to settle your nervous system, and just see how things go. It’s not for you to few embarrassed or ashamed, they are the ones who have behaved unskillfully

on a personal note- I am facing a potentially terminal situation with my health and have been reflecting on my life, and the one thing I really do regret is pouring my energy into hanging out with people who are unkind and thoughtless and make me feel shit. You can be cheerful and friendly, but if they don’t have good manners, you don’t want them in your life, there will be other people to make friends with at primary and before. Most of the people you meet in this world will not be your tribe, just keep rifling through looking for needles in the haystack, and if they really are going to ostracise you for no good reason then fuck the lot of them.

I’m sorry you’re facing health issues, from your reply it sounds like you’re facing your illness with grace and strength. Hope you’re surrounded by your true tribe

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lbooboo · 30/01/2026 21:25

Ugh they sound horrible. I’ve had this before too. When people like that behave in that way you just have to bite your tongue and rise above it, especially if you’ll see them at primary. It says more about them than you. Just pretend you don’t care and be friendly. Hopefully you will find some nice mum friends at school but it could take a while. The nice ones are often those hanging back and not part of the ‘in’ crowd.

Groundhogday2025 · 30/01/2026 21:25

Whichever way you look at it, it’s mean of them. If it’s simply that they had made the plan when you weren’t around and just forgotten to have invited you then surely a “oh sorry Pariahofthetoddlergroup, we forgot to say we are doing x, do you want to come?” The only reasonable thing I can think of to justify it is if they were meeting someone else there who hadn’t invited you and they were trying to spare your feelings on someone else’s behalf.

Don’t trouble yourself on it though. It won’t matter a few months from now. Just be polite tomorrow, then don’t say anything at the end and hold back just long enough to see if anyone invites you to do something, but have a “right DD we’re going to be late for x” lined up in a “I had other plans anyway” sort of way.

It’s all so ridiculous isn’t it. I’ve never been so left out and made to feel like such a social pariah as I have at mums groups. If our children were behaving like that to another child and leaving them out we’d be telling them to stop being mean and think about the person’s feelings. But adults never practice what they preach and absolutely suck. And it’s so thoughtless on your poor DD her being left out as well. Children tend to blame themselves for stuff like this. Would it kill them to suck it up and have a quick coffee for the childrens’ sakes even if they don’t like you? They can always meet up themselves on a day the children aren’t all doing the same class together. Not exactly good role models are they.

onlyliquoranointsyou · 30/01/2026 21:18

God I hate when people do stuff like this because it is absolutely on them to address it rather than leave you to stew on it indefinitely. Cowards! Better off without them, but shit for your daughter and for you I'm sorry.

Driftingawaynow · 30/01/2026 21:18

Ostracism is so painful and makes our internal alarm systems go off, this is why you feel awful. We are social animals and exclusion would mean death in days gone by.
however, this may not be actual ostracism so try to soothe yourself and be with those who love you to settle your nervous system, and just see how things go. It’s not for you to few embarrassed or ashamed, they are the ones who have behaved unskillfully

on a personal note- I am facing a potentially terminal situation with my health and have been reflecting on my life, and the one thing I really do regret is pouring my energy into hanging out with people who are unkind and thoughtless and make me feel shit. You can be cheerful and friendly, but if they don’t have good manners, you don’t want them in your life, there will be other people to make friends with at primary and before. Most of the people you meet in this world will not be your tribe, just keep rifling through looking for needles in the haystack, and if they really are going to ostracise you for no good reason then fuck the lot of them.