Friends comments about our lifestyle, house and inheritance

Just say “Look, it’s not ‘luck’, it’s different circumstances. We have 2 f/t incomes and no kids to support. You have 4 lovely kids. Different lives. And it certainly isn’t lucky to have lost my Mum. So can we just accept all that? I don’t want it to affect our friendship “

I can understand why her comments are getting to you.

Comparison is the thief of all joy.

She is lucky to have 4 children - some would do anything for just 1 child.

She is lucky to work part time and get help from the government - some single parents are working 3 jobs and get no help.

I could go on and on and on.

You have obviously worked hard for what you have. I think inheritance is one of them things… it’s not lucky per say but some people lose their parents and have to foot the bill for funerals etc and their parents didn’t have anything to pass down. Me and DH are “lucky” I say in “” because we will inherit from both sides. Grief is horrendous and you’re not lucky you’ve lost a parent - but it sure does help and some people could only imagine what it would be like to be left a large sum.

I would say what you have said here. She is lucky to be supported to have four kids when she can’t afford it. I would have loved to do that but I made the mistake of going to uni, saving for a deposit, and waiting till I was financially secure. And here I am at 41 with a three month old and no time for anymore!

Tell her to shut the fuck up and if you want her opinion you will ask for it - fucking arsehole.

Your "friend" is not really a friend and she's jealous of your living circumstances vs her. I agree with the poster above that she's trying to soften you up for asking you for money, although kind of negging you and being so insensitive about your mom's death is a poor way to go about that.

She's trying to make you feel guilty about what you have.

Probably so you'll give her some money.

To her, it doesn't matter that you guys worked hard, saved and had an awful life experience. She chose to have 4 kids with a loser but she feels entitled.

I'd cool down that "friendship" and grey rock the hell out of her.

What a strange statement. You sound very unhappy.

What about 'well I'd rather have my mum' and then silence. People are jealous of everything. Everything. So just drop it right back to her and leave it hanging. How she responds will tell you everything you need to know.

I’m sorry for the loss of your mum.

In my experience people who say this are just jealous. It’s human nature to want what other people have but that doesn’t mean you have to express it. Lots of people told me I was lucky to inherit the family home. The fact that I lived there as their carer, had financially contributed to it and paid rent since I was 18 was overlooked. I’m jealous that they weren’t having to take old people to the toilet, feed them and sit with them in A&E on a Friday night when they were in their 20s but here we are. Funnily enough none of them wanted to inherit the debt that came with the estate…

I’d rather have my parents, you would rather have your mum. I’m sure if your friend was faced with that choice it would make her think differently.

Yes - say this to her.
On a more serious note, I would end this friendship.
She sounds like a begrudger, and she's likely to try and take advantage of you / emotionally blackmail you to subsidise her at some point.

Just point out that she’s lucky that your taxes put food on her table and say “but it’s ok, you don’t need to thank me every time we meet”

Sorry OP, I don’t think she is s a friend.

I read her behaviour as angling for you to offer her money as a loan or gift (originally I mistyped that a ‘grift’!).

Have the talk about the insensitive inheritance comments and tell her you don’t want to discuss money or anything related (lifestyle, car, clothes, holidays etc) again.

She will either realise she is being an idiot and apologise or you will suddenly see a lot less of her.

I thought the exact same thing about that comment. Hate the phrase popping out babies.

More generally, I also don’t understand why people see the friend through the worst possible light.

Saying ‘oh You’re lucky to have a nice car’ doesn’t make you an evil jealous cow, it’s a comment said without any thought or meaning. Is this really how people interact all throughout the day, assuming the worst of everyone and lashing out? Op and this woman as supposed to be longtime friends.

Some people get left a massive inheritance some get nothing, that’s life. But your friend chose to have 4 children - kids are expensive, and if you opt to work part-time that also costs you money. I know because I have been there - I only have 2 kids but worked part-time for 5 or so years when they were little but when back to full time when they went to school. But that 5 years cost me in pension contributions. We all make our choices and we have to live with them, but we don’t have control over whether we get an inheritance or not. I wouldn’t begrudge a friend in your circumstances - I think there’s jealousy at play here.

Keep reminding her she made the choice to have 4 DC, which is a huge luxury you could never afford.

I disagree that she's jealous/ugly traits.

You are lucky OP. Not that losing a parent is anything other than awful and my sincere condolences for your loss. However. Many people go through all that and don't have an inheritance that allows them to have a very nice house and holidays. You are lucky to have that. Many, many don't, and still have the same heartache.

Your friend was insensitive to call you ‘lucky’ for inheriting from your mum, leaving you bereaved with no family. But maybe she was simply thoughtless.

She’s lucky to have four (healthy?) children. But it must be so hard for her being a lone parent having left a partner who hasn’t adequately supported them. Like most of us, she likely chose to have her DC. But, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t expect empathy for how hard it is.

Instead of comparing lives and luck, true friends don’t judge each other and instead have empathy for, and support, each other. They want the best for each other. As you go through life, good, long-standing friends are so precious. I hope you can have an honest talk, so you can have more empathy for each other.

Without family, if you ever have children, your friend will likely be a huge support.

"Mostly relied on benefits" the op stated 🙄

Enjoy your new home and your holiday op!
People are strange and love to put others down. Your mum wanted you to have this money and you also work hard. You’d rather have your mum around, but that’s life sadly.
Your friend sounds horrible to keep on at you.
I hope she realizes she is being silly and wises up a bit.

That would piss me off too. I have had similar comments made because I am in a better financial position than some friends and colleagues. I keep it quiet and don't go on about money ever so I feel it's unfair to make jibes at me. I think you need to somehow tell her to keep her comments to herself.

Its also probably because you don't have kids. I have 3 kids and a close friend who is child free with her partner. Every time I'm around them I feel a bit jealous, I have to bite myself sometimes to not pass a comment. Of course someone who doesn't have children is wealthier, it's so obvious it doesn't need stating. Its also the hobbies they have time for, the holidays, the lazy weekends and social lives. We probably have the same income households but they live a charmed life by comparison. of course i love my kids and these are my life choices, but it would be wrong to say no one ever goes through life with no moments of jealousy or stabs of regret. I feel on MN there is low empathy for this, everything comes with a price tag and it's ok to have moments where the grass is greener. It would be unnatural not to. There may be moments when you feel envious of her large family and that's ok too. The difference is you keep it yourself and don't make friends feel bad about themselves.

I read a saying that has always stuck with me:

The harder I work, the luckier I get!

I’d say yeah I’m really lucky my mum is dead

Oooohhjj look at youuu!!!!

From experience you only have to say once, sharply “I’d give it all back for my mum being alive” and they’ll knock it off.

I’ve found the word “inheritance” brings out the worst in certain people x

I'm very sorry for your loss. No amount of money can ever be worth losing my parents.

A few years ago we came into a lot of money, fortunately not due to inheritance and we managed to pay off our mortgage, buy a bigger house etc. It's been quite painful to see a couple of friends and family members change their attitudes towards us and throw the odd snide comment. We get it, but it's just sad that a change of lifestyle, circumstances and indeed, envy cause friendships to drift. I wish it didn't.