Friends comments about our lifestyle, house and inheritance

Is her mum still alive? If yes, I would genuinely say that I hope she is as “lucky” one day when her mum dies too and see if that clicks OP. And also, it might be time to drop this friendship-you seem to be feeling the need to overanalyse and over explain yourself to her and that’s not healthy. Your money is none of her business.

When life hasn’t turned out the way you want some people feel entitled to take their disappointment and frustrations at themselves and project them on to friends. Happens all the time. So everyone she says something reframe it in your head and her saying I wish I was lucky. I wish I had it all. This has nothing to do with you.

Calmly - You’ve mentioned before how lucky I am to have this house. Did I not mention I bought it with the money from my mother’s estate?

long pause

I totally understand this. My brother is like this and claims I am ‘lucky’ because I have a high paying job. I’m not lucky, I worked my socks off climbing the career ladder and it came at a huge cost to my mental health but I pushed through.

On a similar note - I also get pissed off when people say I am lucky I am slim (size 8-10) and it’s ‘easy for me’. Nope not luck at all, calorie counting and exercising oh and hard work to keep fit… but yeah, let’s just call it ‘luck’ 🤣

I had a couple of people like this too when I lost both parents fairly young. Of course it is “lucky” to be given money, but it doesn’t dampen the grief. Inheritance can also sometimes come along with guilt. In my experience, people who say a bereft person is lucky to their face have often never faced deep grief, which I think is luckier than getting an inheritance

There is a difference in outlook.

Many people have lots of kids and cheerfully live a competent thrifty life , working hard at making it work. An intentional lifestyle where they have chosen a family over material wealth, understand their choices and decisions and are content, and not envious.

Others have lots of kids and somehow expect ‘ luck’ to fall into their laps, neither working all hours and juggling childcare (like most working parents) nor accepting without envy a reduced standard of material comforts.

I am sure your friend has lovely characteristics that make her a friend but her fatal flaw seems to be her mindset.

OP if not having children wasn’t your choice then it would be quite in order to tell her she is lucky to have her children.

Sorry I upset you 🤣🤣

YANBU at all OP and should probably distance yourself. It will only get worse as the kids become teens and things become more expensive for her, and you’ve had more promotions.

Some people don’t want to take responsibility for their choices so talk crap about being ‘left behind’ etc and take their resentment out on others.

Everyone knows kids are expensive, that’s why even many high earners only have two kids. Four kids (unless they are quads) is just plain irresponsible, doubly so when you’re in a financially precarious position. Don’t stick around and be her deflection punchbag.

I think its fine to acknowledge that an inheritance has given you a financial advantage.
Shes probably a bit envious of your financial security and lifestyle but as you point out she has lots to be thankful for too.
I think you just have to be honest with her, acknowledge the inheritance has helped you financially but say how much you miss and grieve for your mum.
Tell her the cars are on finance. Say how hard you worked for promotion etc.
Sounds like she made bad relationship choices.
But Id try and remind her of her blessings to hopefully
move her mindset in from being envious to being grateful for everything she has, so tell her how great her kids are, that it must be lovely to work flexibly etc (although with 4 DC she probably isnt getting much downtime!) If she still has her mum (and a good relationship with her) remind her of this too.

Better that you stick to the OP's thread rather than shower me with compliments.

Thanks all the same anyway. 🙄🤦‍♂️

She made her choices- a large family, part time work. She sounds entitled and resentful of you.

Agree. She’s a bit thick isn’t she. What do you have in common op, what do you talk about when she’s not telling you how lucky you are? Do you have fun?

I read somewhere that when people are horrible or made snide remarks it gives them a dopamine hit ie a little rush of pleasure and that’s why they do it. So reframe it like that , it’s not about you.

are you an over thinker/people pleaser , the amount of detail you’ve put in your post and the over explaining gives that impression. If so that maybe why you are giving it so much headspace rather than just saying something back as you don’t want to upset her. But it’s ok for her to upset you.

Look, I get her perspective, because she's looking at life always being hard. But shouldn't comment as it's her problem, not yours, from her choices.

From the reverse perspective, when we were both 18 my friend inherited 50k from a fund set up after her DF died when she was a child. She literally waved the cheque in my face and bragged about it and was horrible. This was 30 years ago & at the time, you could have bought a home outright for that. I said I wasn't jealous, I still have my father... Shut her up immediately and never heard another peep about it!! It was the last straw for me though. Horrible.

Bitch?

Next time she does it, just say I’d rather have my mum, so please don’t say that as I find it upsetting.

she’s not thinking, and she’s jealous, we are in our fifties and have close friends behaving similarly, they retired early, at 50, with about 500k in savings, but low pensions, they have spent nearly all of their savings on the last 6 years.

They went from living very frugal lifestyles and saving till retirement, they had fairly average jobs, then retired and went nuts, major house renovation and extension , which cost about 250 grand, and for rhe life of me I can’t see how it was required, it’s a big house and only two of them live there, all new windows, then they bought new cars and went on a lot of very expensive holidays, they also spend their savings to just live ie all their socialising.

now they keep saying they are nearly skint, how they aren’t in our bracket, how lucky we are, but at the same age, we still work. We don’t spend like they do. Can’t imagine ever doing so. They don’t want to downsize and move, and don’t wish to work again, but the comments are pissing us both off, like your friend their lifestyle is a choice, you don’t get to make it then look around enviously and declare everyone else lucky.

What a charmer…

This is really mean of me, but you could always say ‘well as your OH didn’t work, he could have stayed home with the kids and you could have worked full time and then maybe you could afford nicer things’!

What an awful thing to say to anyone, far less a friend.

Perhaps you should tell her you envy her lifestyle and her lovely children.

Maybe she hears about your holiday and feels like she has failed her kids and needs a bit of bolstering.

Talk to her, don't let it grow into resentment. You envy her family, she envies the car and house and holiday. You have each made choices and need to own them but you are more equal than you realise.

I'd say this and withdraw from the friendship

Explain that you don’t feel lucky as the inheritance came due to the loss of your mother and other financial achievements have come due to a combination of hard work, sacrifice, focus and intelligence.

I don’t really think it’s about benefits, more about dreadful insensitivity on the part of your friend.

To use the word “lucky” in connection with inheritance is beneath contempt.

Id tell her death money isn't happy money and leave it at that.

What an ungrateful and tasteless bitch. All the propping up she and her useless ex have had from hard-working tax payers - like you - so that she can work part time and live a feckless lifestyle with four children? And she thinks you're lucky for getting a decent education, working full time and worst of all, your mum dying?

I couldn't be friends with someone like that.