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Original poster

Bitchy e-mail re fertility rates for older women

112 replies

Jude03 · 30/01/2026 12:53

AIBU to feel upset after receiving an e-mail from a friend - who thought it would be "helpful" to send some data on declining fertility rates for women... for me to give my 40 year old daughter ?! This, from a woman who herself has two similarly aged sons, neither of whom have ever had a girlfriend and still live at home. My DD has been in long-term relationship and for all I know, does not want to have children - but in any event surely this is none of my business.

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 30/01/2026 15:58

Well done OP, you've offloaded a clearly batshit energy vampire. Absolutely no loss by the sound of it!

Fetaface · 30/01/2026 15:46

Just say why have you sent me this, you are much older than 40. Are you trying for another? Say maybe once your elder two are independent and fully grown then they might have grand kids.

PeopleLikeColdplayYouCantTrustPeopleJez · 30/01/2026 15:46

I’d be fucking raging tbh. Who the hell does she think she is, earnestly sending you information that you haven’t asked for, about an adult who isn’t you or your “friend”? Stupid interfering cow.

Mum2838 · 30/01/2026 15:41

Coffeeandbooks88 · 30/01/2026 13:08

Send an email about the deteriorating sperm quality for men over forty and see what she says.

I was going to say this too

Original poster
Jude03 · 30/01/2026 15:35

Afraid the waning fertility e-mail was just the tip of an ever expanding iceberg over the past few years. I've known this woman since meeting her at the ante-natal class we attended in the late 1980s - hence the reference to her adult sons who are a similar age to my daughter. We only kept in touch via Christmas cards each year but she suddenly started bombarding me with e-mails out of the blue in 2020.... to the point where I had to ask her to lessen the frequency of her messages which were becoming a drain on my time and energy. Bottom line: my own fault for engaging with an 'energy vampire' ! I should have been firmer in setting boundaries, but being a stupid 'people pleaser; I continued to reply to each message. Not any longer - afraid I sent a reply along the lines of "Re-arrange the following words into a well-known phrase or saying: Off F*ck".

But OMG, did I feel guilty doing this, even though the fertility issue was just one of many other insensitive topics which this woman would bang on about. Grrr. End of rant!

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 30/01/2026 15:30

Been thinking about this thread all afternoon - why on earth would anyone think that the condition of their friend's daughter's fanny bits would be their business??

YouOKHun · 30/01/2026 15:26

”Thanks friend. Funnily enough my daughter has been collating articles for you about vaginal atrophy and incontinence as she thought you ought to know the likelihood of this happening to women of your age as she assumed you wouldn’t be aware. Lots of love @Jude03“.

HazelMember · 30/01/2026 15:22

I don't think she took the right approach but researchers such as Stephen J Shaw are encouraging people to spread the word as not to leave it late.

The figures are worrying:

https://www.brusselstimes.com/1420823/up-to-40-of-women-without-children-by-age-of-30-never-have-them-at-all

BBC World Service - The Interview, Stephen J Shaw: Are falling birth rates a crisis for humanity?

Stephen Sackur speaks to the data scientist and demographer

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/w3ct5szk

50NotFat · 30/01/2026 15:18

TheInkIsBlackThePageIsWhite · 30/01/2026 13:02

Message back and tell her that you've wanted to send her something for her sons and send her an article about men with Mummy issues, and block her.

Yes! Do this! 😂😂😂😂

HazelMember · 30/01/2026 15:16

SENmumof22026 · 30/01/2026 13:12

If shes got to 40 without kids its very likely she doesn’t want kids. I would tell her to fuck off and focus on her own children.

Not necessarily.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/savvy-auntie/201201/my-secret-grief-over-35-single-and-childless

Theroadt · 30/01/2026 15:07

Meadowfinch · 30/01/2026 13:09

She's foolish as well as unsupportive. I conceived at 44y5m, naturally, without even trying. Ds is now a healthy 17yo.

Your dd could be the same for all she knows

Yup, my sons (I was 41 and 43) perfectly strong happy etc but MN generally love poking a stick at older mums so I’m waiting for the tide to turn on this thread too

Strawberriesandpears · 30/01/2026 14:56

Such a thoughtless and cruel thing to do. How does she know your daughter isn't trying to have children but struggling to do so?

BlackCat14 · 30/01/2026 14:54

Had you ever discussed this it was it so out of the blue?

How have you terminated the friendship?

FlapperFlamingo · 30/01/2026 14:45

What on earth was she thinking?! I would ask her why she has sent it (before ending the "friendship"). Well done for putting her in her place, she has wildly overstepped and been extremely rude and insensitive. It's also none of her business!

Additup · 30/01/2026 14:44

Naunet · 30/01/2026 14:01

Why? As a woman in my 40s who never wanted children, I can tell you I've met many women like this, who seem to think it's their duty to educated me on how I'm failing at my duties as a woman, completely unprompted.

Show quote history

Because if OP had been recently discussing the subject with her friend then the email is in context. It's still tactless, but in context.

However, if the friends contact is usually just a card at Christmas and suddenly this email arrives out of the blue then it's really bizarre.

It isn't about you @naunet and what has happened to you, although I agree anyone passing comment on others childfree status is unacceptable.

godmum56 · 30/01/2026 14:44

AstonScrapingsNameChange · 30/01/2026 13:59

I don't understand all the 'block her' drama.

Yes it's weird and overstepping but, meh, it's really not that big a deal. As a pp said she's probably feeling sad that she may not have grandchildren.

Unless she starts saying things to your daughters face, or you don't like her that much anyway, I'd let it ride.

I think its rude and interfering, could also be VERY hurtful.

CaragianettE · 30/01/2026 14:42

7238SM · 30/01/2026 13:23

Or send an article about slobbish men in their 40's still living at home.

Why assume they're slobbish? Why attack her sons, when she's the one who's behaving unpleasantly? OP didn't say the sons were unemployed, she said they'd never had girlfriends. Maybe they're gay and don't want them? I think it's ironic to criticise the OP's friend for normative judginess, and then replicate that in your own response.

godmum56 · 30/01/2026 14:41

Naunet · 30/01/2026 14:01

Why? As a woman in my 40s who never wanted children, I can tell you I've met many women like this, who seem to think it's their duty to educated me on how I'm failing at my duties as a woman, completely unprompted.

Show quote history

and again this

morebutterthantoast · 30/01/2026 14:30

She's projecting, for sure.
As an aside, I really, really wish we had some really good data on female fertility that is from a cross section of the contemporary population of women.
But I wouldn't be emailing anything of that nature to anyone, unasked for. How gauche of her!

Anonanonanonagain · 30/01/2026 14:30

I would send her a link to the dildo section of anne summers so she can decide which way she wants to go fuck herself.

WrappingPresents · 30/01/2026 14:28

Newusername0 · 30/01/2026 13:21

Reply with this…

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2023/oct/22/the-perils-of-putting-off-fatherhood-why-it-poses-risks-to-childrens-physical-and-mental-health

Perfect

EmeraldRoulette · 30/01/2026 14:28

Jude03 · 30/01/2026 14:09

Thank you everyone for all your responses - I've finally 'grown a pair' and terminated this so-called 'friendship' once and for all.

oh, has she been horrible before?

funnily enough, I found 40 to be a tipping point in my favour. I always said I didn't want to get married and have children. Some of my parents friends used to tell me that was rubbish. But when I turned 40, I think they finally accepted it.

It was sad because when my parents used to have some of these people over, with most family friends I would make an effort to pop in. But these people I made an effort to avoid!

ObsidianTree · 30/01/2026 14:26

Newusername0 · 30/01/2026 13:21

Reply with this…

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2023/oct/22/the-perils-of-putting-off-fatherhood-why-it-poses-risks-to-childrens-physical-and-mental-health

I was about to post about something like this. Tell her to pass it on to her sons!

wishingonastar101 · 30/01/2026 14:24

A friend of mine (a man) gave me a book about fertility issues when I got engaged... we were not trying for a baby at that time and I found it really weird and awkward.

I gave it to his wife on their wedding day as a gift.