90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

Does this mean your family regularly invites just two out of four children from one family to events? I will never understand this mindset.

He shouldn't expect FIL to pay for anyone, but if he's paying for the entire meal it would be rude not to include stepchildren in this.

It's not like they are the children of a fling, it's a long term relationship with a shared child. They should be treated as family at this point.

Oh, the cousin and her DH aren't aligned, and they're not saying that they all go or none go. The husband is telling his wife that she's not allowed to go to her grandmother's 90th birthday meal if his children by another woman aren't invited. The cousin herself is quite happy to go with her own two children (one of whom is her husband's).

If she's your cousin, isn't this up to her parents to pick this up with her and not you?

you would be happy to have at least £50 added to your bill to pay for your grandchild’s half siblings?

yes; yes I would.

grandma is completely unreasonable.

I think if you invite The Family you don't go 'you but not you'. Maybe it would make you make different arrangements that's all. Or Dad might not try and get FIL to pay because he'd be more willing to pay himself. Trying to get the FIL to pay is probably because FIL was being a dick in the first place.

Honestly if you aren't a dick people tend not to be a dick in return.

Agreed! My Step Grandma was wonderful at never excluding me. I was closer to her than my biological grandma

They are handling it together though. By saying if one is invited they all are or they all don't go.

It's the extended family who aren't grasping this.

Well if they are usually forced upon the family by their dad that's surely the problem.

It shouldn't cause tension imo as the adults should help them deal with it & accept it.

Only because their dad and stepmum haven't sorted this out between them and presented a united front. Difficult situations arise all the time, in step- and non-step families. You can't go around blaming the world for your own inability to handle difficult situations, especially when it's a circumstance of your own doing (the cousin's dad shouldn't have married into a family that didn't see his children as members of their family).

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of posts I read questioning whether step children should be included in family functions even if they live together as a family unit.

In this scenario OP, of course it's not appropriate to leave them out.

I think the dad sounds brilliant. He is really looking out for ALL his children (though I do doubt how keen they will be to go!). I see lots of posts on here about mothers being upset when their children from previous relationships are not included in second family events and they are usually fully supported. Im sure it's only different here because he is the dad!

It's not the point. The kids might not want to go but they will be feeling the exclusion all the same as it will create tension at home and between their Dad and Stepmum.

That in itself isn't ok. It's just bloody petty.

I didn't consider my stepmother's siblings to be my aunts or uncles. I already had enough of them who were my late mother's siblings. I liked them and as I said previously was very fond of one. But we weren't relatives. I don't really think I lost anything.I didn't feel excluded if I wasn't invited to a wedding for example, just as I wouldn't feel excluded if the next door neighbour didn't invite me.

All the "poor children" posts as if these teens are going to miss out on something really special to them.😂

My ex-stepdad’s Granny did this to me when I was about 10. My stepdad had been in my life since I was 3, so they’d known me a long time. Big family party for Granny’s birthday that I was not invited to because I wasn’t ’blood’. Was actually my stepdad’s Dad that stuck up for me and told his mother that she was being horrible. He’s the only one I’ve ever missed in that family after my stepdad left!

Costs Granny nothing to include them (literally, as she’s not paying!) but excluding them might do a lot more damage. In my case, it was 20 years ago and I still remember how much it stung to be rejected like that!

“What reason would you give to them especially the 11 year old for not taking them to a family party?”

well I suppose they either have to tell the 11 year old the truth that their half / step(?) siblings are not invited and explain we’re not prepared to split the family and treat our children differently. Or they have to make something up spares Grandma from looking like she’s excluded them. If it’s time when the SC would usually be with your cousin and their dad then it wouldn’t feel good to tell the SC we won’t be having you because we’re going to a family party with your step / half siblings and you’re obviously not invited because you’re not blood family.

Clearly the cousin’s husband is taking a stand in light of past perceived slights. It might feel / be disproportionate. But It’s not clear why the rest of the family, particularly the immediate in laws, are so against having anything to do with the SC (they can’t come to routine meals etc) when they’re nice enough and have been the family of your cousin for 6 years. This preoccupation with blood only is a bit weird and is going to cause problems in your cousin’s marriage. She will make choices about how that spend time as a family. Especially if her mother is making proclamations about the shared child and, plus it would look like you’re all in cahoots with her ex…

If I was grandma and really felt that strongly about photos (rather than the feeling of having everyone together), I’d probably change my mind once I saw it was causing issues in the cousin’s marriage and accept it’s the bargain of having the ‘more important’ true blood children there.

she can invite who she likes but sadly for her they don’t all have to come if they feel like they’re being judged as not being a real family unit which is clearly how they are viewing the exclusion of two of their children

I do hope she has a lovely day and the blended family can be accepted a bit more so tensions are lowered. Maybe just a bit of kindness and pragmatism…

It does. That's fine if you feel like this, but if you decide this then you also need to deal with the consequences of believing this too.

I think that what this thread proves is that for some people, and I'm one, step relationships don't necessarily make the step into a family member.
And presumably the children have their own relatives :parents, aunts, uncles, cousins , maybe grandparents. They aren't orphans, but the children of separated /divorced parents.

So Cousin and child are invited. And he and the step kids are not invited.

Yeah I'd go just to piss off the petty fuckers who keep not inviting his family in full. If his FIL is being a dick in not inviting them then tbh I think he's within his rights to make a point.

Maybe if FIL invited the kids he wouldn't make the same point.

The cousins family is her husband, step kids and kid. It is not just her own child.

I didn't meet my grandmother until I was in my 30s. (Long story). I had two step grandmothers who I regarded as my own. I didn't see them much but they were my family.

Granny is shooting herself in the foot.

Why single out the step children?

My mum acted like this when my sister & I were organising my Dads wake.. trying to exclude family members & also my hubby’s mum who wanted to pay her respects. In the end we told her she was being incredibly unreasonable & petty & it’s not what Dad would have wanted. She backed down. Unnecessary stress on top of everything else.

Grandma is being unreasonable. There are already people she isn't related to going, the partners of her family. Excluding step-children is very mean-spirited and I imagine the family won't attend (I wouldn't).

Invite family groups, it's the social relationship, not the biological one that matters!

But that is not the situation here.