90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

I just find it very odd that you would throw a party in someone else’s honour, but invite the guests YOU want there. It’s like these people who buy “presents” for spouses or the wider family that they actually want for themselves.

Yes just as I would have to pick up the bill for my children's partners, and my nephew's partner's. They are family

So if one of the cousins didn't want/couldn't have children then their spouse isn't invited? I didn't think it could get nastier and then it does.

As it’s a professional photographer have some with them in and some without. Such drama. And for the record it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind despite the majority saying YABU. Grandma might be a wonderful old lady but this isn’t wonderful old lady behaviour. Your cousins husband is clearly going about things the wrong way but shows his desperation for his children to be integrated. Why are they with their mum most of the time? Was this his decision? Anyway. Happy 90th to your grandma. Shame it’s tainted with her leaving out two children.

This is totally disingenuous. Of course there is a line about extended family of a spouse - but in this case it’s not extended family of a spouse - it’s immediate family of the spouse - children and immediate family of the grand daughter - her stepchildren …. and this nasty small minded family (who are still bleating on
that these children at the age of 8 availed themselves of the ‘the free bar’ and the buffet’) now want to split the CHILDREN in this family so ‘blood’ can attend but ‘married in step CHILDREN’ can’t - why don’t they go all the way and excude all the spouses? I wonder where they would draw the line if any children were adopted or fostered.

Really quite telling and gross that at a spectacular milestone celebrating with an intergenerational party - some nasty adults have this ugly focus on excluding children. I assume it’s because they dislike the cousins spouse and want to punish him - so are taking it out on the grand daughter by splitting up the children in her young family. Grim.

Well tbh if hosts really wanted them there I'm sure that my mum would have understood for a meal for a couple of hours.

I don't really see it as a "go fuck yourself".

In Op's case it sounds as if people would make sure she didn't have to seem them much/at all & will make sue that she gets the photos she wants.

They’re not just relatives of the spouse, they’re the children of the spouse

But they are family - arent they?

Oh, that definitely exists with some of them. Not all, of course. But there are examples of this genre where the family is actually not particularly blended and/or the kids in question don't give a shit, but one of the adults has had their nose put out of joint.

You don’t automatically become ‘siblings’ with someone just because your parent shacks up with them. I think the people saying this cannot have been the child in a stepfamily. Because it just doesn’t feel or function like that, no matter how much the happy couple may want it to. I can’t think of two people I’d less like to see than the children of the woman my dad made me live with.

Are the teens bothered? My DCs sometimes get invited to my DH’s family dos, sometimes they’re not. Either way they’re not fussed tbh. It’s not personal.

This!!! I smell a rat. OP, is it you who has the problem and using granny as cover because nobody would want to upset a 90 year old?

On all threads of this nature, I wonder how much of it is actually about the kids and how much is about the supposed adults stamping their feet and squalling because they didn’t get what they wanted; because they want their little bit of recognition and to be made to feel “special”.

Meanwhile the kids are saying “You want us to go to a party for Sarah’s gran? Really? Is she still alive?!”

Say they can come if they really want, but as they are being invited under duress their dad will have to pay for their meals. See if he's still as keen then.

Yes, and?

Inviting your relative’s spouse doesn’t mean you’re also required to also invite said spouse’s children, any more than you’re required to invite their mother, father, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles and so on and so forth up and down the family tree.

This tread has proven so triggering for some of our blended families friends

A 90 year old woman, for better or for worse, just hasn't given any consideration to that dynamic, and thank goodness she's not on here to see the horrible trolling going on

Honestly, those teens would rather go on the PS5, or chill with Friends, than attend a party for old folks. It's no Biggie for them. But the baggage of some of the posters here is shocking!

A 90yo woman is allowed to be unreasonable. It isn't very nice of her to choose to exclude her step-grandchildren but she does not owe anyone "nice". Those who love her and have a positive relationship with her can come to the party and any of the relatives who think she's a cantankerous old bag are allowed to stay away - including said step-grandchildren.

When it was it decided that because someone acquires step children on marriage, everyone related to them has to instantly pretend they're real relations,even if they've only met them twice?
It's a ridiculously new notion, and all.you horrors calling an elderly woman nasty names need.to.cop yourselves on.
They're not her grandchildren. They're not her relatives. She's perfectly allowed to not treat them as such

And? The OP’s grandmother doesn’t feel the same.

In my extended family, step children are treated as children of the household.

But how far do you take it? Inviting a spouse is standard. But the relatives of the spouse? I invite my BIL to family parties, because he’s my sister’s partner, but I don’t invite HIS sister or his mother. There’s a line.

No idea! But it's usual to invite spouses to a party isn't it?
I presume some of the photos will be of grandma, her children and their children and grandchildren, no spouses.

It seems unbelievable to me that people think this grandma, who does not want the teenage steps at her own party, should be forced to have them there.

I'm pretty sure that most of the people on this thread who think the teens should go would have an absolute fit if other people tried to tell them who to invite to their own 40/50/whatever party.

But that was your bloody wedding!

Why would you say to your mother “We really want to throw you a special party to celebrate your 90th birthday - but we’re going to invite people you actively don’t want there, because we’re paying, so you can go fuck yourself”?

So if they are a childless couple, the spouse isn’t invited?

Presumably the spouses have impregnated/ given birth to the blood family descendants whom she wants at the party. That's very different from the two entirely unrelated step great-grandchildren.