90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

But not one photo with everyone and one with everyone bar two people. Surely YOU should be able to work THAT out.

A big group pic followed by a picture of the grandmother just with her children, then a picture of just the women etc. - sure, that’s normal. But you really think they won’t notice that one of the “many permutations” is everyone except them?

If they’re really so glued to their phones that they won’t notice anything that's going on, why is it so vital they’re invited?

@Dweetfidilove
It depends entirely on the relationship the people have, though doesn't it? A child who doesn't live with his father, perhaps hardly knows the granny, and it's expected that they attend the party. A child who lives full time with father, frequently visiting the granny, and has a relationship with her that's different.

Yet again, MN makes me really appreciate my wonderful stepdad and his amazing family.

I've never known people so comfortable with excluding children until now. My family members have celebrated 70th/80th and all sorts of milestones that have included various children and young people - blood/step/the children they've helped raise and all sorts in photos.

This level of pettiness must be so exhausting and causes so much unnecessary drama. Just wow! ☹️

I am sure there will be a series of photos groups like you have at a wedding. The GM with her sibling, one with her DCs, one with her DCs and their partners, one with her DGC, one with her friends, one with all the guests - it really wouldn’t be difficult to be kind and inclusive and keep everyone happy.

What I don’t understand is why the oldest child of the cousin (not child of her current partner) needs his dad / her ex sat in an adjacent bar? What’s that all about?

It seems this family just put heat under everything - if they had been more accepting laid back in the past (cousins parents bitching to OP that step children dare to attend lunches / evening do at a wedding and as an 8 years old eat from the free buffet and drink from the free bar - bleating on about it 6 years later) - then probs the parent of the dismissed and snubbed DCs wouldn’t be arsed and the teenagers would probs not want to come anyway.

But you reap what you sow .

If they are having a professional photographer it won't be for one photo. She might have a photo with her children, her female descendants, all the GC, all the GGC and then, shock horror, a photo with all the guests including the step GC. It really isn't hard to figure out if you want to figure it out.

Maybe, maybe not. The other children going are actual grandchildren she has a relationship with, however, whereas these two are strangers.

Funny how he’s apparently desperate for his children to have a relationship with his in laws, yet only seems to demonstrate this when it involves a catered event.

I mean it is her party so she can invite who she chooses, me personally I would have invited them if they are the stepchildren of her grandchild, I see no issue with 2 extra kids being there.

If she is that precious about the photos get them to stand at the end and she can crop the photo if she wishes!

I’d just leave it for your cousin to deal with and stay out of it for your own peace of mind

Older but not wiser

Fairly sure if she's got that many DGC, they won't be the only bored teenagers slumped over phones.

Yes, who wouldn’t want two bored strangers slumped over phones at their celebratory dinner party? Really makes for a great vibe.

Your cousin (mother of step kids) seems quite passive in all this.
I agree with there can be a photo of desedents only - excluded partners and step kids … doubt two teens who don’t see the grandma will care

Lots of different permutations of photos, including one with just direct descendants & no in laws/partners/steps. Not Photo A, everyone, followed immediately after by Photo B everyone except 'you two brats...off you fuck!'.

Very much doubt two teenagers would even glance up from their phones, once they'd been in the 'everyone' photo & the 'cousin + husband + all their kids with Granny' one, & the photographer had moved on to doing various other groupings.

The hysteria on this thread! Would the kids even know thier stepmother's grandma if they passed her on the street?

I’m sorry I find this confusing … but I think you are basically saying your cousins husbands children (ie your cousins step kids) from before he met your cousin are not invited to the family function … just your cousins and her husbands biological child? And in the past the husband has handled this by forcing his kids to be allowed to attend family functions?

And? It’s not the spouses party. The spouse is being invited as her grandchild’s plus one. The cousin’s children are being invited as grandchildren in their own right.

His children are no more the grandmother’s family than his mother is.

I'm going to say it again. I got on well with my stepmother. I liked her siblings, but they weren't my relatives. I already had enough of them in my late mother's family. My half sister knew that my mother's siblings weren't her aunties and uncles. No one was upset.

Funny how him making a point doesn’t involve refusing to go, but actually involves free meals for himself and his kids…

And it’s lovely that you have that relationship. No one is trying to suggest you can’t choose to have that relationship. But that simply isn’t going to be everyone’s experience. And it doesn’t have to be the other extreme of outright hostility either.

I get on with my BIL. He’s a good husband to my sister and good father to my nephew. But I don’t gush about him being like the brother I never had, because I just don’t feel that way (and I’m guessing he doesn’t either). And that’s fine.

So she should be blackmailed into having them there?

First of all, OP didn’t say that. She said the actual great-grandchildren would feel heartbroken to realise they weren’t in the photo because their father had insisted all his children were included or none of them.

Secondly, why is it so ridiculous to be upset about a photograph, but not being invited to a party for someone you barely know is going to scar you for life?

And so then granny may not get to have everybody at her party that she does want because people are allowed to decline and keep all their children at home.

I can’t believe anybody thinks the stepchildren going to the party, but asking the photographer to take a picture that includes everyone except them, is a better idea than not inviting them at all.

If the kids don’t live with their father, he doesn’t even have to mention that he went to a party for his wife’s grandmother. If he does mention it, he doesn’t have to make a big thing of it - as many posters have said, it will have limited appeal to two teenagers. But if, as some people suggest, the stepchildren are invited but “discreetly” excluded from the photos, that really is sending a message that they’re there under sufferance. Why make it so obvious when it would be much easier not to invite them?

I know what you mean. I was thinking more about this particular case where a fall out might be prevented.

So perhaps more a case of diplomatic to invite?

Forgot to say that my wedding example wasn't really a good one!

I'm torn between it being her birthday & in this case would it really matter.

Especially if it's the pics that are important & she can surely have some without them in.

It also does seem to be the dad driving it.

Without his input the teens would likely decline if invited anyway.

Children were relatives the last time I checked.