90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

It is different if they’re children, but still depends on the level of involvement prior to this. We spend a lot of time with my family, and had my husband’s children been young and partly in his care when we got together I wouldn’t have pursued a relationship with him I’m sure they would have sometimes joined in the wider family because we are so often together. However not all families are like that, so if they hardly know the other side that could be normal too.

The feeling I get is that the whole thing is getting too big and overwhelming for the 90 year old so she's trying to draw a line somewhere.

That sits alongside it being rude to treat established step children differently to birth children around event invitations.

The professional photographers can be briefed re making sure there are birth grandchildren only photos.

Beyond that I'd think about the space and how to create an event that suits the 90 year old - can there be a separate space for people to rotate out of the room / can the big kids play pool or something elsewhere for a bit etc. How many people does she want to talk to at once? How much does background noise (from other people's conversations) affect her?

Exactly this. Cousins husband sounds a dick but honestly so does Granny. Shes anything but lovely.

Sorry but if Grandma is not a nice person. They are family, they are the cousins step children and the cousins sons siblings. If it would break her heart that much she would invite them.

If i was the cousin Granny would be getting told you can have all of the children are none 🤷🏼‍♀️

This is a different situation. We're not talking about the newly acquired in-laws of young adults. Instead, the youngest of these step-children is 13, according to OP, and their step-mum has been in their life for 6 -7 years. So since the child was 6 or 7. And they have a younger half sibling, as well as a step-sibling of presumably around their own age, both of whom are not just invited, but -great-grandma is desperate to have attend.

So it's not because she's technically their step-great grandmother or whatever, that she should invite them, but because she's inviting these dependent children's father, step mother, step sibling and half sibling, and therefore it will cause offence to leave them out.

It's entirely predictable that she'd end up without some of the great-grandchildren she does want to attend by rejecting their half-siblings.

Yes, my husband has two girls. They were young adults when we got together, a similar age to my children. They met my sister and my dad at our wedding. They were then invited to my daughter’s wedding but not to my niece and nephew’s weddings. That seems normal to me. I think there are a lot of first wives on this thread whose ex husbands have remarried and had more children and are getting out of shape about the possibility of their children being treated second best. That’s valid re the father, but not the second wife’s wider family.

I think it’s mean of your grandma to exclude them

This. My father re-married when we were young adults. His wife (she’s not and never has been any sort of stepmother to me) has a brother. We’ve never met him. He’s not my step-uncle. Their mother would in no way shape or form be considered by us as a step-grandmother. Let alone a step-great grandmother!

Why would you hire a professional photographer to come and take two photos? Let's be honest the photo is just an excuse. If people want to exclude children at least be honest. If you're too embarrassed to be honest then do what you know is the right thing.

No, it’s the other way round. Cesspit refers to non kind people.

I’m trying to get my head around this from the perspective of my own family. My sister has two children with her ex husband and he’s remarried and had twin boys with his second wife. The new wife is technically my niece and nephew’s stepmother but they were teenagers at the time so there wasn’t much mothering involved. Plus she then had her own babies. They maintained a relationship with their father and she was largely irrelevant to them other than their father’s wife. I think they would be invited to the weddings or significant celebration of their half siblings but I doubt they’ve ever met the ‘stepmother’s’ extended family and there would be no expectation that they’d be invited to her grandparent’s birthday party. They have the extended families of both their parents. They are not deprived by not being in the bosom of a totally different unrelated extended family. Still team grandma.

Her party, her choice etc etc etc.
We can all have personal opinions.
Mine is she’s just not that nice.
I’m fairly old but would happily invited these children to my party.
I’d just be incredibly happy I had lived to be so old.

The father could vbe taking the opportunity to do something just with his teenagers, focused on them, instead of dragging them along to events with people they don't know.

Cesspit of a thread. All from #bekind people

I couldn’t agree more. A long time ago go but when my husband’s lovely kind grandfather had his 90th, everyone was welcome. He would never in a million years told anyone they could not have brought a child along with them because they were only a step child. Yes and everyone was in the photos.
When he eventually went into a care home, all the staff said how nice he was and he always asked how they were.

What a spiteful baggage. Who gives a shit? The more the merrier I’d have thought.

Totally agree with you @Unlisted It sounds as though she doesn't have much of a relationship with them, and as usual, it's in-laws who make this sort of trouble in families.

I'm with your grandmother. She hardly knows these children, if they live mostly with their mother.

Although your description is a bit confused so I may have understood. But if they live mostly with their mother, how are they part of the family in an active way?

Agreed!

My brother was my grandparents’ step grandson - he was never treated any differently than the rest of us, and was always just the older grandchild. It’s mean on part of granny

It doesn't here, no. Come along and bring your children.

I met my nephew's stepchild at my 40th birthday do. They broke up and I haven't seen her since. No skin off my nose.

Since she is happy to invite the partners of her descendants, she should also invite those partner's dependent children, if she doesn't want to cause bad feeling and possibly a severe rift. Parents are really sensitive to their DC being rejected.

If she wanted a descendants-only party then she shouldn't invite her descendant's partners, and could then not invite their children too.

Raising children is hard, step-parenting can be hard, blending families can be hard, and the more people who are prepared to support blended families, the better. My blended family is a particularly unusually blend, as I'm an adoptive parent and foster carer. DH and I are lucky to have extended families who are thoughtful and always include all the DC who are under our roof at the time of any event, whether they're with us for a short time or permanently. I'm very grateful to them when I read about families who prioritise DNA over love and support.

Great granny

We all know the answer this. No way he has.

Funny how he’s apparently desperate for his children to have a relationship with his in laws, yet only seems to demonstrate this when it involves a catered event.

I'd love to know how many times the cousin and her husband have invited the grandmother around, on a day the husband’s children were there - or out for dinner when the husband was paying. Has HE done any of the work to build a relationship where the grandmother might feel like these are her great-grandchildren? Or is he only interested when someone else is footing the bill?

If the spouses of her descendants are involved in the photo then she’s unreasonable. She could in cute the step grand kids and exclude them from the photo if she’s excluding all the spouses that would be reasonable.

I only found out my step grandfather was a step at his death. It’s so sad to see these children not included!