90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

I can understand why your Grandma wants photos of just her blood relatives in the decendants photos. At 90 it is not much to ask to have photo groups with just the children she gave birth to and then with each generation.

There will be groups of photos where it doesn’t matter if they are included but for a tiny number e.g. Grandma with their DC, Grandma with grandchildren etc. they are not included.

The issue is if the Step Children are invited, pushy in-law will insist they are in the photos.

I would invite them to the meal but making it absolutely clear beforehand in writing that there will be some ( not all) photos they are not included in. If they cannot respect that for a 90 year olds birthday wish then they are not invited. The choice is then theirs.

On the day, if necessary I would rope in your DH or another in law to distract the pushy-in-law and step children when the photos are being taken.

Cousin's husband is a cunt and is bullying an old woman.

Maybe cousin should change her plus one to the ex husband who sounds reasonable and low drama.

What feelings exactly? The sole reason given for them not attending is that she doesn't want them in the photos. In my opinion that's truly pathetic.

What a spiteful old woman.

She's not punishing anyone. Stepchildrens dad is a dickhead with form for shoving them in where they're not invited.

They are not granny's family. There's nothing wrong with only inviting her family.

I think you’re getting the dads confused.

The dad saying he’ll sit in the bar is not the parent of the step grandchildren. He’s the parent of the cousin’s older child.
He’s saying “if my ex wife and her current husband don’t take my child to this family party to which they are invited, I will take them and sit in the bar next door so that they still get to go”

They should be part of the family and shouldn’t be excluded and rubbed out when it suits.

This really illustrates your grandma’s true view on extended/mixed families.

The dad sounds weird.

sounds like grandma can’t have it all her own way… she can exclude two children and their immediate family won’t come or she can invite the whole family and have her ‘precious’ photos ruined.

The thing is with blended families, you can’t change how wider family views / treats you but you can respond how you choose. And actually, not taking some of your children to a family event because your other children are not invited is reasonable.

i live 5 hours from my ‘step’ family. I’ve never not been invited and it’s never been an issue if I can’t make it.

I can see both sides really your Nan isn't unreasonable for not wanting them as part of photos (and therefore not wanting them there if their Dad is going to push the issue) but also your cousins DH isn't unreasonable to not tolerate his children being excluded from a family party, although he gets no say in if his stepchild is there or not he does get a say in if the joint child is there (reasonable or not). I would suggest they both find a compromise as in the stepchildren can be there at the party but with the understanding they aren't part of (or at least not all) significant photos.

That logic means that every son in law and daughter in law should also be excluded.

its pretty nasty to exclude children

Ughh she doesnt sounds lovely. Open hearted people are lovely.

That's the answer. The photographer has a brief of what official photos to take - just like at a wedding.
If people then want to take their own photos, they do that afterwards.
I'm sure a professional photographer must encounter lots of pushy people on a regular basis and have ways of dealing with them.

Also ...this will be causing issues in the cousins marriage,why would granny want to cause bad feelings and upset between husband and wife ..
I suspect there is some background between granny and the husband
So the husband is not invited????
By causing a fuss he's ensuring he gets invited if his children do ?
I bet it's the husband granny doesn't like

Well with that logic she wouldn’t be inviting the husbands/wives/partners of her relations either as not biologically related to them.

Personally if I were to have a family party, I would invite the whole family and the teens are part of that family.

Do people really care that much about photos? Even if she stares at it everyday, I can’t see how having two extra people there could ever upset me.

You love your step grandchildren as much as your biological children? Really?

It hinges really upon how long the SCa have been in the family. If its since baby/toddler hood it seems a bit mean. Also have they had much of a relationship with Granny?
I must add that if I was 13/14 ish teenager there would be no way I would be going to old peoples parties, I would be bored stiff and my face would show it 😬😬

What about granny's feelings? Why can't a 90 year old have the sort of party she wants with the people she wants?

I could not imagine having a huge party thrown for me ,and deliberately leaving out two children..it's a whole other level of mean ,

I agree with you that cousin's husband sounds like a prick. He's emotionally manipulative and I can see why the teens live mostly with their mum.

Also I'm with granny: she has no obligation to invite them. In fact this sort of thing can get out of hand. I was in a stepfamily reluctantly while I was growing up. Stepmother would come to see my dad's relatives with us, always pushing herself to the front. Now my dad's dead and she's still there, pushed right in to family events with people to whom she isn't properly related. V annoying.

God I hate when people care more about a silly photo then actual people in their feelings.

Photoshop exists if she's really that bothered.

Yes they’re his children - but ‘he’ isn’t a grandchild of granny. He married into the family. That doesn’t give him the right to decide that his older unrelated children should also now be a full part of the family he married into.

Whoever it is that not invited doesn't go. It seems unnecessarily mean spirited to so openly exclude the two teens. But chances are they might not have that much fun at a 90 year olds tea party anyway.

If the dad of the kids is offended then he can choose to decline. But his wife and kids should go if they want to and were invited. But again they don't have to if they think it's unkind to exclude the teens.

She sounds rather petty