90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

You would think by the grand old age of 90, you would have had a lot of family/life experiences and would be more welcoming, in general.
Guess she's one of those "not blood" people 🙄

Yes I agree with this.

The step children don’t live with granny’s relatives. They live with their own mother. Why would granny invite them?

Cousins eldest child is being supported by their father, but I think there is another great grandchild who will be excluded unless OPs cousin stands up to her husband.

I think grandma is being rude for spesifically saying she is not wanting the step children there. However, in real life in these situations the step children would not want to attend even in invited. In my experience usually teenagers are fully aware that these people are "my dad's wives relatives" and nothing more, they wouldnt consider grandma to be a family member and therefore would have no incentive to want to be there.

I don't understand why your grandma is excluding them, it was always going to cause issues and in the end, she risks not having the people she actually wants there due to bad feeling. Does it really matter if they come? It seems unkind to exclude them. I'd also caution that people tend to remember these kind of things even if it isn't aimed at them, and it colours their view of them in the future. Mm example was grandparent leaving one grandchild out of the will for no reason, it definitely affected my view as one of the other grandchildren.

How long has your cousin been their step-mum?

Cousin’s husband is bang out of order telling his wife she can’t go to her own grandmother’s tea!! Who tf does he think he is? Worse, he wants to ban his totally unrelated child - but actually related to the grandmother - too! He has equal say over the joint child but what a wanker for stopping that child going to its great-grandmother’s party. For a man so insistent on “family”, he’s behaving awfully.

His own children aren’t invited and I don’t see why they should be. He shouldn’t be invited with an attitude like his. And he has no right to stop his wife going to her own family’s gathering with her own children. He sounds plain nasty.

I don't think your GM sounds poisonous or unreasonable. From my understanding, she doesn't have a relationship with the two step grand children as they live mostly with their mother.

Cousin's husband is being somewhat unreasonable to stop his wife taking her child and their shared child to the party and going with her. I'd take them anyway and let my husband stay at home on his own. It's good of the father of the eldest child to offer to take them so the Grandmother can see them.

Sounds a bit complicated tbh but really, she's a 90 year old lady who can invite who she wants to her party.

I think the MN massive are out in force again. If it was Granny's wedding (or anyone else's for that matter) then that would be a different story as (according to the MNetters) you can invite who you like to your own wedding - your wedding - your rules. Why can't Granny invite who she wants to her party? Storm in a tea cup. They are teenagers so probably wouldn't be that fussed about going to an old lady's party anyway, especially if she is not a relative that they have a relationship with. Their Dad is being unreasonable.

Meanwhile, two teenagers are thinking "Why would I want to attend my step mothers Grandmothers birthday oarty? She's not my Great grandmother"

It's not exactly twisting the knife if the step kids don't come.

Wouldn't they be enjoying themselves somewhere else?

Why all the anger at a 90 year old matriarch?

This.
People manage photographs at weddings of just family etc. It’s all very OTT.
Granny doesn’t sound a very pleasant woman.
Also, OP, you seem to have your mind made up that granny is in the right so I’m struggling to see the point of you posting this thread!

What does your cousin think? Does she see her stepchildren as family? If so, I think it's definitely wrong for them to be excluded and I think if they were my stepchildren, I'd decline the invite for our wider family. I presume she quite likes her husband even if the rest of you don't. I'd also take "threats" from family members very badly.

My adored Grandfather was not related to me and when forced to choose by his mother (who allegedly was a lovely woman according to her daughters), chose my Grandmother and her children.

From the information provided, I don't think any of the adults come out of the situation great. You clearly have a large family and it's 2 hours. Surely someone can run interference to stop him pushing his children in. Besides they're teenagers... do they really want to be in photos? When was the last time he tried "pushing" them into photos?

She is worried he will push them into significant photos

Quelle horreur!

Seriously, granny isn’t as lovely as you think she is. We have teen/young adult stepkids in my family (my DB’s) and we love them to bits, only wish we saw more of them. Unless there is some significant backstory that you haven’t told us?

I’m having a hard time imagining a 90 year old that would be so bothered about this especially as she’s not organizing thd party and is described az lovely

Unlikely to be the same, as her children would probably be with her at least 50% of the time and so more integrated.

I don't think your grandma comes across as lovely in this. She's excluding two of a set of four siblings from a family event because she's worried they'll spoil her photos...

I think some of the vitriol directed at a 90 year old woman who you don't even know is quite horrific - poisonous, ugly? Maybe you should have a think about how you're coming across.

I think it is horrible to exclude the step children. They may not be blood relatives of your grandmother but they are your cousin's family by marriage in the same way her husband it. It doesn't matter who they live with full time.

Imagine if this was a thread saying a brother had invited his sister and her husband to his wedding but only 2 of their 4 children - the ones who shared his blood so not any adopted/step children. Everyone would say he was being a dick and it was the whole family or none.

Seriously? She doesn't know her grandchilds partners children from his first marriage ffs. They're not related to her.

I thought as much it’s about the photos. I wouldn’t want non family in photos too if I wanted one. Why do people who make the choice to blend families then push this on to everyone. GM has every right to want her GC there, not two that are NO relation to her.

Just be a use someone is old they don’t automatically become a nice person.
The grandmother sounds poisonous.

Why does it have to become a step children issue?
Just have the event as the GM wants it.
Cousins partner should row in.

Your grandma sounds like she doesn’t deserve a party. What an ugly thing to do right at the end of your time on this earth.

Oh for fuck’s sake they can be excluded or photoshopped out. My mother is 93 and we have three big parties a year for her at this pint and she would never be so mean. There are obvious work arounds so why be perty and hostile? What does evil cousin’s husband “win” if his kid is in a photo? You all are delusional as though you were a royal family afraid of interlopers taking the throne.

Grandma is in the wrong, sorry. I'm glad my step Grandma didn't treat me that way.

Sounds like cousins DH has caused the issue by being pushy with his kids in the past. Why is he so keen for them to be pushed forward?

It pushes people the other way. Grandma can have who she wants at the party. He can’t stop his wife taking her/their other child(ren).

I doubt teenagers would even want to go.

I think Granny is being ridiculous not inviting them. They are young teens so presumably have been in the cousin's life since they were really small and are also young enough to be hurt.

However I also think the dad is being OTT making a big fuss of it, even though he has a right to be a bit hurt and annoyed.