90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

But they are family. Very weird of grandma to think photos are ruined with the addition of step children of the family. Everyone participating in this photo is showing that they agree step children aren’t family.

What a strange hill to die on. Inviting all cousins and partners and extended or married family (the partners aren’t “blood” are they!) but excluding only the two step children. Gross behaviour.

I wouldn't attend a family party where some of my children were excluded. And the non-excluded child wouldn't be going either.

What a nasty post take a look in the mirror

I'd be amazed if any of these teenagers care. I wouldn't want to go to a birthday lunch for some person that I don't know well.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a nice lunch with people you know well and have relationships with especially when it's likely to be your last milestone birthday.

If it helps, I can give you my dad's example from his 80th. He was, at that point, very much living his life in a "I've fulfilled my duties to all the people I owe a duty to, I'm proud of my children and grandchildren, I am satisfied with the life I've lived, now is a moment for me to enjoy my life's work". For him, his life's work - notwithstanding his incredible career - was his children and his grandchildren.

His step-grandchildren are not part of his life's work. He had no input into their childhood or upbringing. He didn't know them when they were babies, he wasn't there when they got home from hospital, he didn't go to their nativity plays or their violin recitals, he didn't fret over their lifelong chronic diseases, they didn't learn to read sitting on the couch next to him, he didn't help them with their times tables etc etc etc. Their own grandparents did that. He's very fond of their mother, his DIL, because she's been the best thing to happen to my DB. She's an amazing woman and everyone knows it and makes it known that they know. But those (now adult, and parents in their own right - my dad is actually a step-great-grandfather now) step-grandchildren are not members of my dad's family. Nobody is upset about this, everyone has their own family. I think if those children, when they were younger, had no other family of their own (through death, for example) things might have been different but we'll never know.

At his 80th birthday, when he felt like he didn't have much time left, he wanted to be surrounded by his family, not even his friends. That's who mattered to him and for the sake of 4 hours, everyone was happy to oblige.

He's still alive and well btw, so lots of sentimentality for nowt!

Sorry I don't think grandma is behaving like a nice person.at all. It doesn't matter that she is 90. I don't understand her attitude.
My mother was a step grandma and would never have behaved that way
She had a party for her 80th and all the step grandchildren, step children including my siblings stepchild from his ex wife were in the photos along with her biological children and grandchildren. There was no distribution between us. We were all her family.

I am a stepdaughter - my dad has been with my stepmother for about 34 years, married for about half that time. She has no children of her own. I have never met one single member of her family. It’s never occurred to me until now that this might be unusual? I was late teens when they got together, perhaps that’s why. Reading some of the threads on here makes me pretty glad to be honest. Anyway, I’m team Granny. When you’re 90 you can do whatever the fuck you like. 😂😂

Are these step relatives likely to invite the whole step family to their graduation, or wedding?

There was an option for grandma is being unreasonable so I haven't voted.
But I think grandma is being very unreasonable. Coming from someone with step and half siblings and half and step nephews and nieces I can't understand her attitude. At family events like the one you describe the whole family is invited and that included step and half relations

The children apparently spend most of the time with their mother. I did ask about this but didn't get any response, but wondered if the children would not normally be with father on the day. If they are virtually unknown to granny I can understand why she doesn't want to invite them.
And I am a step daughter and didn't expect constant invites from stepmother's extended family. Because they weren't my relatives. Although I was very fond of stepmother's brother in law, who was a right character.

It all sounds very petty and pathetic to me, I certainly wouldn't be getting involved.

She sounds like hard work tbh. I mean does it matter, the more the merrier surely.

Airbrush the unwanted guests out of photos, job done.

If it’s just about photos, just tell the photographer to do their job and make sure they get the photos she wants. No need for drama.

I honestly do t think that at her 100th birthday my grandmother would have remembered which of her grandchildren or great grandchildren were original step or half or whatever. Not because she had any level of cognitive impairment even at her advanced age. But because she delighted in the company of her gorgeous loving and loved family that she made no such distinctions

My favourite saying is embrace what you can’t control.
let them come and let them be in the photo. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter. As long as the important people to her are in it. Maybe get photos taken in all sorts of combinations so easier to have one without the step children. If you leave the one you want until last, give others the nod you’re doing this, hopefully the children will be fed up of posing.

Seems quite spiteful to exclude them. It doesn't sound like an intimate gathering so I can't imagine 2 more teens would spoil the dynamic.

Why? What is there to understand? Any chance you could explain because I cannot understand this at all, I completely get that everyone has different opinions etc which is why I’m really interested to know why you understand why she doesn’t want them there

If I live to 90 in good enough health for a party, and I have enough people round me to fill the room, then I'd consider myself a fortunate wonan with a life well lived. And for certain I'd not be wasting what was left of it causing fuss and drama about whether two teenagers were in the room or not.
I'd be so busy reminiscing with my peers, glad we were still alive together, and looking at the family I'd created and taking pleasure in their happiness, not looking for ways to cause trouble. Because I'd not do that now, why would I do it at 90? It's ageist to assume that as people get older they get unpleasant.

Isn't it up to the hosts to invite or not, not Granny?

When husband & I married, MIL didn't think that a cousin's step daughters should be invited.

We were paying so we invited them.

Indeed.

I have to say I think once you reach the age of 90 you can invite who you want. Everyone else has to manage with her wishes.

90 or not Granny sounds like a nasty cow. Why would she care who comes along to a party that she isn’t even paying for. Was she always controlling and is she the type of person who is the matriarch of the family and where people dance to her tune?

I think at 90 she’s allowed to say who she wants at the party.

Granny does not deserve a party.