90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

A sensible normal post. 👏

I find it funny, those posters whose gospel it is that no one ever anywhere must be left out from a party they don't even want to go to. I have been left out half my life and my dc are left out form many parties thanks to circumstances. I wouldn't want us to be at the parties where people didn't feel we should be, how could we possibly enjoy it? The whole idea of having private celebrations is to do it in a way you enjoy, so why would people invite guest they have no relationship with.

Madness.

Oh I read it the other way around. That the dad who was going to sit in the bar was the cousin’s ex and was going to bring the child that is invited / a blood relation (I.e. if the cousin (the mother of that child doesn’t go)…. But maybe I’m wrong?

Grandma is in the wrong. They are family, whether you like it or not.

I don't understand why pictures are more important than the actual experience of the party? It's mean to exclude them. Just take more pictures? One of granny and 'blood' and one of everyone? I don't get why this would be complicated? It seems more effort to exclude and breed resentment rather than be kind, welcoming and generous? What about the feelings of the youngest child? How would they feel about their siblings being excluded? It's just mean and othering.

If she’s such a lovely woman why does she want to exclude children from her party?

Grandma is a wolf in grandma clothing.

I also think that someone being a ‘nice person’ is subjective. The OP may think she’s lovely- but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t make unkind choices towards others.

At my Granny's 90th she gave a toast where she got emotional and thanked everyone for coming, then fell asleep with a red wine mustache.

So holding a party for another person would not involve asking who they wanted as guests. The person paying could just invite all their own friends and still pretend the birthday girl was having a party?

yes, sounds more and more like a rage bait thread

I think the simplest solution is to invite everyone but finesse the photos.

I can actually totally understand Granny wanting a 'matriarch' photo of herself surrounded by all her biological descendants. Yes, it's a bit vainglorious, but if you can't be a bit cocky on your 90th, when can you?

So. Get the photographer to take loads of photos of everyone together. Then do individual family branches - give him/her a list to call out 'John, Jane, & their kids Jenny, Jim & Jack, please!'. Ensure that cousin & her entire brood including dickhead DH & steps get their photo done, just like every other branch.

By this point, the teens will absolutely have had enough & will wander off, & hopefully their dad will feel he's made his point.

One of the lists of people just happens to be all biological DC, GDC, GGDC. No partners, no in laws, no step kids, just people with Granny's actual DNA. There's an excellent chance cousin's DH won't even notice, & if he does, he can have it pointed out that no non blood relatives are in this one picture & he's being a dick.

To be honest, someone is bound to have some lurgy on the day, especially with hordes of small DC on the guestlist, so I'd be checking the photographer is nifty with editing anyway - then they can add absent DGC & scrub out surplus ones after the event...

It just feels a bit sad. If she’s such a lovely woman then why does she wasn’t to exclude children on this basis. Is this choice with her maybe if it’s explained to her this way she will want them there. Maybe there’s enough love and acceptance to go around!

My Grandpa is actually my Grandma’s second husband and no blood relation. He had no children or grandchildren of his own but is a wonderful grandfather and now great grandfather.

Families are made up in all sorts of ways. And I can see why the cousin’s husband is standing up for his family especially given the past exclusions you mention.

Your grandma can exclude them. But then others won’t come and there will be upset. Its a difficult choice for her to make if she’s adamant she doesn’t.

My family have a lot of step grandchildren. I can’t imagine any situation where all children wouldn’t be welcome in photos together. It would never be questioned.

Step families are complex. I suspect that even with logical arguments for the children not being there, the only person who's getting it in the neck is your cousin.
She's getting grief at home for not taking them and grief from the family for trying to take them. Neither her her ex or her husband sound like nice people. There is a chance she feels to pushed and won't be there, then sadly how will your grandmother feel? You do need to be realistic about where this is going and try to see what does matter.

Promoting that difference between siblings sounds unpleasant..the 'crimes' you relate don't sound heavy...

Way to put a taint on a celebration IMO

If your cousin and her DH have a shared child, then these two unrelated children will be (should be) in each others' lives forever. So not entirely disconnected. Seems mean to exclude them.

If someone is on hand to make sure "dear" Granny gets the photos she wants - i.e. she has a list and clear instructions on who she wants in each, I don't know how your cousin's DH can override it? If you can't do it, could someone organise this and act as some kind of enforcer - clip board style? Not hard to do and probably a lot less awkward and divisive than excluding kids altogether.

Doubt a couple of teens would be fussed about being in formal pictures anyway, but it would be sad to miss a party.

I am afraid that I am another who thinks granny is in the wrong, especially as she is not paying for the party, and that the photo issue is a silly red herring. If there is a professional photographer they can be instructed to take whatever specific photos are desired. That's literally their job. If, afterwards, there are some photos granny doesn't want she doesn't have to see them, does she? I presume she isn't paying the photographer either?

My stepdaughter has invited my parents to her wedding, although she has not met them a great many times. I did bring her up though (but my parents don't live in the country where I live and where she grew up). Unless the party or event is very tight on numbers/budget, surely you invite all the people in the family who want to come, including stepchildren? (I agree though that these kids are quite likely to make excuses not to come).

I couldn't really follow the complicated OP, but what self-respecting teenager wants to go to a birthday party for a 90 year old, for goodness sake?

Granny is being a bit weird about it. If she’s inviting all her descendants plus a gang of spouses then it’s just petty to exclude 2 kids from a family with 4 kids. 2 extra teens isn’t going to break the bank and the photographer can be prepped to get the required photos. Most people have hosted parties where they have had to invite people they would rather not be there - friends husbands, unfortunate relatives, naughty kids etc. it’s just part of life. Idk why it’s so vital for granny to have a photo without these kids on or why it’s so hard to organise. They are teenagers who live mostly with the other parent - can’t their stepmum or another adult or the actual photographer just organise some group photos they aren’t in. It’s not like they don’t know that their dad is on his second family,

@Abara32 there are many more threads on here where it is the stepdad's family not recognising the step kids and not inviting them to weddings etc, and the mother being upset and wanting her way and all her children being recognised, so I don't think it is a man thing at all

The dad cares. It's his way or the high way. That kinda guy.
And because of his controlling and pushy behaviour there is a nasty thread about someone's 90th birthday calling the birthday person nasty names.

Totally. The insistence that they're essentially her grandchildren and must not be treated differently is really odd, she's just the grandma of their dad's new partner who they don't live with to them. If they lived with them and were round family all the time that would be different, but that's clearly not the set up here. I think there's some projection of personal sensitivities around blended families going on.

How long have they been in cousin's life?

You think the behaviour is acceptable? What a world we live in.

Or even their birthday?

Of course granny wouldn’t get an invitation!