90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

She probably knows amongst the kids there are children who are are her great grandchildren and children who aren’t. She wants the children who are her great grandchildren.

I also agree she probably knows there have been arguments with this man over his children and she doesn’t have the patience for it.

children understand step families, often better than adults. Th wouldn’t tell their friends this lady is their great grandmother - why does everyone expect this lady to pretend these children are her great grandchildren?

Do they want to come? They are teenagers. I suspect they’d rather do pretty much anything else than go to their half sibling’s great grandmother’s tea party.

They may very well be more bothered about him manoeuvring the kids onto the wedding photos than they are about a vol au vent! That was a completely batshit thing to do, however you slice it.

Don't invite him then.

It might be that she doesn't remember their names but remembers that the dad's a bit of an arsehole. I think that sort of behaviour sticks in some people's memories more than names.

Well if this 90 year old has specifically said she wants to exclude these children I think she has kept track of them.

The father helping himself to the
vol-au-vents (correct spelling), is an example of him not understanding that sometimes it's invitation only. If he doesn't get that, he's rude.

I didn’t read the OPs post as the Dad gate crashing a wedding - she said he took his DC along to witness the church service (public space, anyone can attend, no cost implications) and that he took them in to the evening do. I’m assuming he was invited to the wedding all day with his wife OPs cousin? Maybe he thought the evening was informal and the family would be welcoming and on good form by that time of the day - but he clearly got it wrong as OP and her family are still fizzing about the 8 year old helping themselves to the vol-u-vont and rinsing the free bar !!! 6 years later.

realistically how many times has this very elderly lady met her grand daughter’s husband’s children who spend most of their time with their mother?

is it really nasty to not consider these teens her great grandchildren? Did she even know their names?

I have a ninety year old great aunt. She has about twenty great grandchildren. She barely remembers the names of them all - they were all born after her eightieth birthday. Asking her to keep track of her grandchildren’s new partners and their children would be crazy.

Imagine being 90 and still be that nasty!

@Wirrrrrral the op was asked for examples, it was not in the first few posts.

Just stop and think about the timeline - it was 6 years ago and they had only just become step relatives. Their Dad decided it was appropriate to gatecrash a wedding and push their DC into the photos.

It’s not about the food or drink it’s about inappropriate behaviour from day 1. Do you really think gatecrashing a wedding and pushing your DCs into the photos is appropriate?

Doesn’t really take much to be deemed nasty, does it? I recall when that actually required effort.

You’ve harped on about the free bar more than OP has. Presumably she mentioned it to provide an example of their father’s behavior.

They aren’t part of the family. They are the cousin’s stepchildren, that’s it. They are little more than strangers that their father only tries to integrate when it costs someone else money. That their nuclear family broke down is not something OP’s family are obliged to compensate them for. They aren’t, and they won’t.

OP’s attitude is very common and normal one with regards blended families. If their father wanted them to have a blended family that twisted itself into knots in imitation of a nuclear one, then he shouldn’t have married someone that wasn’t offering that. He doesn’t now get to demand his in laws perform like seals for his approval.

Assuming your step cousins are adults like you - then of course you are not blending middle aged step ‘children’ that would be nonsense.

However these children have been part of a blended family for a long time (almost half their lives to date) from a young age. There original family had broken down so they had been troubled enough as little children - then they potentially found some stability / comfort with a new step mother and new siblings (one half blood / one step) - yet the nasty OP and her nasty parents, grandmother and aunts/uncles are so hostile and bitter that 6 years later they are still bitching that said 8 year old had a vol-u-vont from an evening buffet and availed themselves from the ‘free bar’ !!!! That tells you all you need to know about the hostile and exclusionary dynamics in this family - especially when the OP tells it and has no awareness of how grim her behaviour still is 6 years later. What a shocking legacy to get to 90 and have spawned such a petty sad bunch of people who fixate on young children.

When you’re 90, six years ago is recent.

Cousin's husband sounds like the problem.

Granny could take multiple photos with different family members. I suggest you do a photo list in advance and call people forward for the photos they are to be in.

I can see where Gran is coming from.

Example of photo list:

1.Granny with all her children (1st and 2nd gen)

1. Granny plus children of the above join the photo (1st, 2nd & 3rd gen)
2. Granny plus (all above plus partners)

Granny should be able to have some pics with her bio grandkids, without steps

I'm sure the bio grandkids would like a pic with just them and gran.

If by recent, you mean 6yrs.

but a adopted child is your family - biology doesn’t matter.

as someone with adopted people I the family it makes me really cross when people equate step families with adoption. This step mother is not the adopted mother of these teenagers - they have a mother (who might be their adoptive mother for all we know). Their step mother is not their adoptive mother - not the same thing at all. You can be a step parent and never even meet your step child.

are you suggesting people should fee the same way about children who are so far removed? A grandchild’s husbands children who live mainly with their mother and who this elderly woman doesn’t even know? Come on now, that’s getting a bit ridiculous.

do teenagers really care that much about their step mother’s grandmother? This is about a power play - nothing more

My aunt remarried a few years ago. Her step children aren’t my family. They are her in-laws. I have met them once. They aren’t my cousins. They don’t invite us to their family stuff and we don’t invite them to ours. No bad feeling, they are strangers.

people pile huge pressure on step families and force this false closeness on people. I can understand step parents wanting a relationship - these are the children of their partner. But why force everyone to
pretend people they barely know and aren’t related to are family

step great grandchildren??? Who you barely
know and don’t even live with any of your family?

These are step great grandchildren who it sounds like this lady doesn’t really know. The recent step children of her grand daughter.

They aren’t biologically related or adopted and I am sure wouldn’t include this lady in their family tree.

why would teens want to go to the 80th afternoon tea of this step mother’s grandmother?

But if they all turn up, it won’t be the photo that she wants, will it? So she may as well just have it without them.

I think he said he would take the child if mum and stepdad decides not to, but rather than impose himself at the party he said he would wait in the bar.

It sounds like they are intending to turn up, hence his tantrum.

Grandma should be glad people want to go to the party.Just because she's 90 it doesn't mean she can't be mean Personally I have a devious and very unpleasant ,95 year old close relative
who has always been the same

Why did you leave out the half sibling and make the step sibling into a plural?

He needs to be there for the drama.