Do you judge no contact children of single elderly parents?

No I don't. I know from personal experience that if a parent/child relationship breaks down to that extent, it's because things have gone very very wrong. I was NC with my father from my late teens, and did it at the first opportunity and without hesitation. I never saw him again. TBH I was ready from the age of about 8 but obviously as a young child, it's impossible. I had nowhere else to go other than home, and unfortunately there was a monster living in mine. My relationships with the rest of his family collapsed alongside.

I am LC with my mother, and yes, she's getting old now. I haven't seen her in over a year. Neither of us has made any effort to arrange contact. Do I owe her? I don't know. I grew up in a violent and abusive home. It was awful. Sometimes, my mother coped by being awful to me. More than sometimes, she leaned on me for emotional support. There was enormous pressure to pretend that everything was fine and I was unaffected by seeing her abused, listening to her cry in the middle of the night, that I wasn't terrified by my father's rages, to be a good, obedient child. I self harmed, pulled my own hair out, suffered from crippling anxiety and selective mutism. My mother didn't notice. Through into adulthood, it became increasingly apparent that our relationship has remained on the same footing. What matters is what she wants and what I can do for her. She's treated my youngest child very badly (and tried to get the eldest to call her mummy). I cannot give her what she wants from me, and she cannot give me what I need from a mother. Interestingly, she does seem to have a very good relationship with step sibling. I don't know if we can ever have a good relationship. The history - the things I have seen, the fact that I am the child of the man who horribly abused her, the fact that I have to live with myself knowing that she chose to give me that man as my father- I don't know how we could ever have a healthy, functioning relationship.

Absolutely not. People don’t become nice and cuddly just because they are old!

I'd assume the child had good reason to be NC. But, if I was happy with my relationship with the parent, I'd stay friends with them. I'd accept that my friendship was entirely separate to the adult/child relationship.

But, in your case, you are presumably never going to have anything to do with these friends if you go NC with your mother. So accept that they can say what they like about you behind your back.

I am biased towards believing people who set boundaries have good reasons.

as someone who has set boundaries, I will say I am a fan of the fade vs the burnt bridge. It is just easier to implement with so much less drama. You don’t get rid of them completely, but you still get emotional distance. It’s easier if you are separated geographically.

YABU to even worry about this tbh - you say yourself you don’t have a relationship with these people so who cares what they think if you - they don’t know you. They will probably become her flying monkeys and try and get you to talk to her which is enraging.

You can't countrol what other people do or think.

To answer your part 1: If your actions alone cause your mother's friends to dump her, they were never her friends. People understand that there are two sides to every tale and families are complicated. It's very improbable to impossible that your mother's longstanding friendships could be destroyed by you

To answer your part 2: Again most people understand that there are two sides to every tale and families are complicated. However if they do think badly of you, firstly how would you ever know? Are they interfering or rude enough to reach out to you in order to tell you off?
And secondly, why should the opinion of anyone at all prevent you from protecting your children and yourself? Why are you giving these echos from your past more importantance in your life than your children or yourself?

No, I don't judge people that go NC. I know that most people love their families and would only cut them off for serious reasons.

Im judged for going nc

To the outside world,shes perfect

She does a lot of volunteer work,is very charming,would help anyone and easy to talk to

Under that mask,shes very bitter,nasty,sly and two faced-shes a narcissist

She had me marked out as the scapegoat from birth-she simply didnt love me,shes incapable of it

I went nc and the smear campaign as been awful

I have to hear that im an alcoholic,have a personality disorder,a druggie,an unpaid sex worker,a liar,a thief,a nasty bitch,I deserved all the shit that happened to me over the years and am incapable of being loved

People who have known me all my life,believe this shit as its easier to 'keep in' with her and not rock the boat (or it will be their turn)

I have rebuilt my family via dps family and my friends and take the stance that 'those who know me,love me and those that dont,dont matter'

Still stings but I feel no guilt and won't be providing any care in their old age (the outrage!im a woman!I should know my place and be pleased they would allow me to wipe their arses-the payback is zero inheritance,i dont really give a fuck) nor will I go to their funerals (I wouldn't be welcome anyway)

I'd drop everything for my mil-shes taken me in,loved me like her own with zero judgement (she doesnt understand but doesnt judge) and is the most amazing woman I've ever met-shes my hero

As someone (aged 51) who had a miserable emotionally neglected childhood, I would not judge any adult child that goes non-contact with their parent. I am in contact with my parents out of duty, but I feel very little for them.

Just cut down on visits and phone calls. Don't say anything about it to her. She may not even notice.

My husband is NC with his parents now and having lived through that experience with him I honestly would never give a second thought to someone who had chosen to go NC with their parents. Even if those parents were my friends and I liked them I can appreciate that someone can be a really good friend and at the same time be a really shitty parent.

I'd think there are two sides to every story. It takes a lot of courage and upset to go nc, so no one does it without good reason.

I would understand that there are generally good reasons why people go NC with a parent and would not judge you for pulling yourself free. In fact, I would admire your bravery and spirit.

No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. My M is very religious and a pillar of the community. If only they knew... I learned not long ago that I cannot change the past and I certainly cannot change how she behaves and speaks. But what I CAN change is how I react to it and that is a powerful tool indeed.

Have you found the long-running Stately Homes threads on MN? They're for people with toxic families who are trying to break and keep free. Named because the original creator's parents justified years of abuse and cruelty when confronted with the glib "well, we took you to lots of National Trust places". Latest one here - SEPTEMBER 2025 - Well we took you to Stately Homes | Mumsnet; they're a wealth of solidarity, advice and understanding. I can also recommend the Out of the Fog website - Out of the FOG - Index.

Very best wishes to you @Onekidnoclue - your mother's friends may judge, but parcel that up with the way she's treated you. They all sit in the same bitter little boat together so drop the rope, let them all float away, before they drag you under. You can do it. It may get harder as your M ages and people try to guilt you into providing elderly care. You don't have to do this. Your M had choices as an adult. She chose to treat you badly. So she must deal with the consequences of her choices. I wish you free and happier times ahead. x

I’d think it was none of my business and that we don’t know what happens behind closed doors.
Just like the Beckhams really although there’s been a lot of speculation and judgement on here.
I hope you find what you need.

No, I don't judge them.

I'm such a (46yo) "child" and would happily invite you to try some aspects of my generation's childhood.

I think you've hit the nail on the head that most people don't hate those that they are nc with, they actually love them but need to put their own wellbeing first as the relationship can cause such hurt and disappointment.
Good luck whatever you decide .

I’m completely no contact with my mum. I don’t care what she, my family or her friends think. I’m sure she knows deep down how much of a failure she is, but on the surface she’ll claim she’s innocent and I’m just a trouble maker.

Yes. The only person who needs to approve of your decision is you. Absolutely her friends will think you're a dreadful, undutiful daughter, but bluntly, so what? Are you going to let them dictate what you do?

My mother was recently shocked and condemning of how short my cousin's eulogy was at his father, her brother's, funeral. It was short because they had a difficult relationship, and because undiagnosed but fairly clearly inherited MH issues in the father (of which my mother seems unaware) had made for a very challenging upbringing.

I respected my cousin's decision not to lie and pretend everything in the garden was lovely, and to pay tribute where he could, meaning that he simply didn't have much to say. It was affectionate but short. To my mother, nothing excuses being anything other than dutifully filial at 'respectable' length. Nothing excuses not loving your parents, no matter what they do.

I feel differently.

If you want to cut contact then do so but why are you worried what others will think? Would your sisters be upset, would your child? That’s all that matter not random people from your mums life.

Nope, not at all. I am totally no contact with my own mother. I probably won’t even attend her funeral. Her need to keep up her own appearances has significantly harmed my own family unit. It took my five decades to realise that my mother actually has never liked me. Mainly because she has struggled to control me. Unlike my sibling, a middle-aged man, who phones her about 57 times a year and uses her as an emotional support human. They are horribly enmeshed. I want no part of it. My mother has variously told her neighbours and cleaners etc that I am terminally ill with cancer and/or recovering from a mental health breakdown. Neither of these is true. What is true is that she is a self-absorbed woman who has only ever valued me and my sibling for our academic achievements. He went to Oxbridge so he is the golden boy.

This. Do you live close enough to your mother that you even see or know these people? If you are not in contact with her and have no independent relationship with them, then presumably you will never cross their path so I wouldn’t give a moments thought to what they are thinking about you.

The only people I know of who are full no contact are my mum's husband's children from his first marriage (I refuse to call him my stepfather). I don't blame them. They cut him off when he left their mum - and the years revealed a very unpleasant, vile alcoholic so they were wise to take the opportunity to get out of his life when they did. He is now a drooling wreck in a care home. My mum will defend him up hill and back - how wonderful he is, how cruel they were. Yeah, right.
So judging from my experience, I assume children have a very good reason for going no contact (Team Brooklyn here )

I think every family has different dynamics. I wouldn’t judge either side. Families can be complex. Not my business to judge.