Do you judge no contact children of single elderly parents?

Call me a cynic, but I don't think that anyone has something they're not hiding. Some to a lesser extent than others, obviously. I wouldn't be shocked if somone told me that a highly thought of individual was, in fact, the opposite of that and was actually cruel to family and/or others.

My DP is NC with his mother because she was an awful parent to him. He tried to forgive and hold onto the relationship, but she's such an unreasonable person, it was impossible. He was the scapegoat. His father is a weak man and never protected him during his childhood. He has tried to get DP re-establish a relationship, but it's too late.

It doesnt matter what other people say. You know what's best for you and your family

On the one hand, I can't imagine it is easy going "no contact" with a parent, but on the other hand, it does seem that a lot of people are quick to lay a significant amount of blame at their parents door because they weren't perfect. (I am not referring to parents who have clearly failed in their duties, hurt their children, didn't care for them etc.) I think if I was your mother's friend and didn't know you, I would give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that something significant (or a series of events) had happened that I wasn't aware of. I wouldn't necessarily judge your mother either. I've got to admit, if I were your mother's friend, i wouldn't actually give you much thought at all. (I don't mean this to sound terrible, but does anyone give much thought to acquaintances?)

I have read too many comments from people who have gone NC with their parents, who have said 'they know full well why we are NC, I have spoken to them, I have written letters, and yet they tell other people they have no idea why they are NC' to instantly believe parents who say they have no idea.
I do believe that sometimes people do disappear from others lives without a trace, but lets face it, its a cliche for a reason that men will say 'she just left me over nothing' and its actually YEARS of the wife trying to communicate, asking for an equal partner, asking for respect, and it just so happened the final straw was him leaving his filthy pants on the floor for the 1000th time... so its not exactly hard to imagine parents would do the same.
I also in real life have observed a women i worked with for years have no contact with her daughter and say she had no idea, lovely woman, comes across very reasonable And complimentary of her daughter. Found out later that the daughter cut contact with her without specifically saying 'im cutting contact with you because of xx reason' (so that part was correct) but it was because after years of the daughter helping the mother prop up her awful brother, brother the favourite, brother horrible to the daughter and mother defending him when daughter spoke up, the daughter had discovered her brother stealing from her, but in a way that he had taken money that was her children's, evidence, police, everything, and when she confronted her mother, her mother was mad at her for telling the police. Final straw - so she just cut contact without explaining.

No, I wouldn’t judge her or you. She will tell those close to her side, it’ll be very different from yours.

@Onekidnoclue No I don't judge. You don't know what goes on/has gone on in other people's lives.

My own Mother was very difficult. One of my Sister's went NC, another managed to stay in contact but managed nevertheless to slide away from seeing or phoning her very much. I stayed in contact and took on a lot of looking after her when she became very fragile and needed help and resented it very much. I was on my knees by the time she died and often thought, that I should have gone NC, but I simply could not do it. At All. I couldn't have lived with myself, even although it would have been better for me if I had.

That was my choice, but we are all different. If you need to go NC for you and you can actually do it, that's fine.

I wouldn’t judge you.

My remaining grandparent isn’t a nice person. My mum dutifully visits multiple times a week even though said grandparent is absolutely awful to her and has been so her entire life. I see them sparingly.

I’ve been very clear that should my mum ever evolve into being like them, I won’t be doing dutiful visits.

I think only families know the whole situation, so no point in others getting involved. 🤷‍♀️

No, but her friends will as they will only get her side of the story. Echoing that this should not be a factor in your decision.

Before going NC could you possibly have an open and honest conversation with your mum?
See how that goes and maybe low contact ?

Yes, i’d want to know those reasons. I think there’s nothing worse than not knowing.

Speaking from experience. She will talk bad of you to gain sympathy but deep down her friends will know there are two sides to every story.

whether to tell her what’s bothering you or not is a difficult one and depends on the person she is. Would she turn everything around and blame you?

Thanks for pointing out my error. That should have read 57 times a DAY!

Not sure that callling 57 times a year is particularly enmeshed it's mostly a call once a week.

I don’t think the answer to your question is either/or.
If a friend’s child went no contact then I’d wonder why and speculate as to who was at fault. I wouldn’t just assume anything as I’ve know people go NC over something as simple as a lawnmower and something as awful as abuse.

Neither, I’d think that no one knows what goes on (or doesn’t) behind closed doors.

If you go no contact please don’t turn up at her funeral though.

Honestly, why does it matter what they think of you? You don't know these people, and if you cut your mother out of your life you are never going to have any contact with them.

Do what's best for you, and don't give a second thought to what these people might think.

Conversely I have a lovely friend whose only child went no contact after years of doing everything together (as in holidays by choice and living together etc). This happened soon after the child found a new partner. I fully judge the child as my friend used to ask to be told, even by letter, what she has done and no answers have ever been given. I think it's incredibly cruel to separate yourself and for the left behind person to never know why. Everyone on here is saying there must be a perfectly good reason to go NC and it will always be the parent's fault, I don't agree that that is the case. Sounds like it is in your situation though, if your mother deserves to know why then please let her know.

Do it.
I wouldn't judge you.
Block all numbers and pay for good therapy to support you through this.
Do not concern you about the reactions of her friends, that is their business.
You mind yourself and your child.

My Friend is 83 and in a nursing home. His sone has had minimal contact over the years. He feels he was abandoned by his dad after his parents divorced. In the 20 years I’ve known my friend, he’s made absolutely no effort to visit his family, or have a relationship with the granddaughter he claims to love. My parents think his son is awful for not caring. I don’t blame him at all.

I reckon some of her decent friends wouldn’t be remotely surprised. But it doesn’t matter either way, you don’t need their approval, or anyone else’s

FWIW my mother doesn't seem to enjoy my company. I'm not sure she even likes me very much.