‘You’re lucky you’re neurotypical and able to focus’

Not so much as the NT v ND thing, because as an NT person I have no clue how the brain of an ND works and how things may affect them. Having said that, I don't really understand how some NT brains work either...

However I get this from a friend of mine a lot in relation to things like my job, my marriage etc. She calls me "lucky" to have the role I do because she hates hers. I worked REALLY hard to get it and went through so much rubbish before I got this one. And I work hard at it every day.

And my marriage...her husband isn't good to her, but he was exactly this way before they got married so I quite frankly cannot understand why she did it or why she's always surprised when he lets her down. I walked away from several useless men before I met DH and we both work hard to keep our marriage good.

Some things are luck (having a child who naturally sleeps well for example, or being born with that hair that does as it's told, or your innate intelligence). But other things are from work and it winds me up when people call the result of my hard work luck.

I disagree, I really do think these things are just innately harder for some people.

Same with parenting- some children are just a lot easier to parent, particularly if no issues or neurodiversity etc.

sometimes the qualities of a person are a choice, not some kind of genetic gift

Nasty goady thread.

I'm clever. It's genetics. It comes easily to me. My DC is SEN. They work much harder than me for less.

I did get sick of hearing from his teachers how first DS didn't have a maths brain and thus would always suck at maths and then years later how he did have a maths brain and that was why he was so good at maths.

He was struggling with a very short term memory and hearing issues and a busy classroom and a way of teaching though group work that didn't suit him. Spent years overlearning he ended up super fast which meant unlike me he wasn't losing time in maths exams working out again the basics though I still did well and did maths A-level like DS

I often felt need to point out it was his hard work when he was sat there listening to comments so he knew/remember he'd had to work at it.

DD1 complains now she has time blindness part of her ADHD - and she gets response okay you know the issue how are you managing it (and often how can we help you manage it or try this suggestion I read)- and she then works hard to do so.

I do remember asking my English teacher in telling off again for poor spelling why is e sometimes kept with suffixes and sometime not - she said she had no idea and I should just know like her.

It was attitude I encounterd a lot in childhood - why can't you just stop being clumsy - why don't you just know right from left - even when asking for help oh well everyone else just does it. Sometimes it's not just hard work needed but some relevant support - in this case weight injections and presumably some lifestyle changes as well are needed. I know several people on weight loss injections who are NT but have found them a huge help - the support they needed to make a difference.

100% agree @Hangerbout You won't get many people on MN agreeing though.

Yes well said!

almost everything in life is down to brute luck. Nobody likes to hear the truth

Egglio said it better than I just did. I think I just waffled and didn’t really make the point I was trying to. 🙈

I’m ND (diagnosed) and have lost 56lbs without WLI and have kept it off with hard work and self-discipline. I also work extremely hard to maintain full-time employment and live independently without accessing any benefits, all at the expense of any kind of social life/relationship(s) though. I couldn’t do all that AND maintain friendships, a relationship, look after kids and have a social life, so I had to make a choice. Sometimes I wonder if it’s the right choice when I haven’t spoken to anyone but my mum on the phone for days or haven’t left my house except to go to the shop for over a week, but if I didn’t put ALL my energy into looking after my health, chores and job I wouldn’t be living independently.

Lols at some of the neurodivergent people demanding understanding for their inability to focus whilst thinking all the obese people should just get off their arse and show some discipline.

She could save SEND provision a fortune- just march in and tell those lazy blighters to work harder. Simples!!!

Genetics have a lot to do with most things, some people are luckier in that respect

Wrong thread!

I think you sound a bit ignorant with your last sentence especially.

BUT I can see why this phrase is annoying. I wouldn't say to a marathon runner who has just worked really hard, 'you're lucky you have legs.' It's essentially the same.

I don't agree with your point because it isn't logical. All NT people aren't identical and all ND people aren't identical. I'm ND and able to focus, complete tasks, read and retain information at speed and work for hours and hours, forgetting to eat. On one day. On another day I can't be arsed to do anything except lay on the sofa and eat random shit whilst stood at the fridge because if I do that, I won't have to wash up anything except the spoon. Some days are a mixture.

I don't think being neurotypical means you work hard and have self discipline as a choice. I think some ND people have spades of that just to get through the day.

In those two examples, yes I do think you're being unreasonable. Because it's obviously more fortune in a world set up for NT people if you are NT. It's also a lot more fortunate if you want to lose weight if you're not a person who thinks constantly about food. I'm a NT person who doesn't have food noise and think that makes me fortunate.
I get more irritated when people deny the role of good fortune and attribute everything to their own hard work and superiority, such as well off people who claim to have got where they are through hard work and ability alone, conveniently forgetting the help through uni, the gifted disposit, the inheritance etc.

Yes I thought as much!

I’d like her to spell it out so we can all see the ignorance for what it is…!

Her argument is ND children aren’t working hard enough, pure abelism.

Yet more ignorance. ND is on a spectrum, if you’ve met one person with autism you’ve met one person. It has to impact their life massively to get a diagnosis. It’s highly unlikely your dd has adhd if she can study for hours either. My children who have autism and adhd are grafters and are grafting every second of every day to survive but they couldn’t study for longer than 20 minutes at a stretch. Do not dare to say they are not hard workers.

Neurodiverse people work very hard. It just looks different. Perhaps even harder as like another poster said they are starting from a different baseline with different challenges.

I don’t know what your argument is really.

Oh great thanks for sharing that pearl of wisdom! I’ll just pop over to the WLIs chat and let everyone know 🙈🙄

I relate to the weight part. Since the perimenopause, the ‘food noise’ is overwhelming and it takes all my willpower to stay slim, and I think about food all the time. Very little ‘luck’ involved these days 😩

Actually, the older child may be neurodiverse. It was suggested by her primary school for a number of reasons. We didn't pursue a diagnosis, for a number of reasons. As an adult she has decided she doesn't want to be diagnosed. Life is hard in many ways - excelling academically doesn't equal an easy life - but she is a grafter.

That is my point - hard work is a skill that can be learned - but because it is hard, most of us don't want to do it.

I can testify it's 100% true about the WLI and food noise.

Every time someone starts a thread asking how slim people keep slim or similar, the replies are always about half people saying they're very disciplined and hard working and not like the lazy fatties etc, and then the other half saying they don't make any effort at all, it's just how they've always been, couldn't overeat if they tried, don't get food noise and don't even understand what it means etc. Sometimes it's genetic - sometimes not.

That has nothing to do with Neurodiversity. Your child is lucky she can study. My children with 2 massive ND disabilities can’t. They are working their arses off every day just to survive thankyou very much and are bright probably just as bright as your child but they have disabilities. You don’t get to tell the disabled yo work harder and improve what they have you just don’t. What an appalling thing to say.

My thoughts exactly. I was almost impressed by OPs ability to hit two frequent targets at once.

I don't lack discipline. I have a PhD and a career that requires lengthy - in some cases, years long - digging into very complicated questions. But whether it's hormones or how I was fed as a child (I imagine a bit of both), eating little enough to lose weight is incredibly hard for me. Going on WLI, was a sudden realisation, "Oh, some people don't just feel like they'll die if they don't consume something sweet at 4pm every day. Some people just feel full and stop eating." So yeah, whatever the cause, I do think it is harder for me to do this than other people.

Generally, ND people aren't saying that NT people don't need to try and that it isn't an effort for them to focus. They're saying that you're starting from a different base line. The equivalent would be me saying Usain Bolt is naturally better at sprinting than me: I'm not saying he doesn't train and work hard. But I'm acknowledging that, with all the effort in the world, a sub 10 second 100m is beyond me!