To feel sad about dd17 becoming sexually active

Really surprised that no one has picked up on this.

"She told me she feels 90% ready."

I would find it concerning if my daughter told me this and would worry that she was being rushed into sex before she was ready.

I understand how you feel, it's a sign they are really grown up now but it sounds like you have a fantastic, open relationship with your dd. I felt the same way with my ds, he only really had me to talk to as his dad is very ill. I'm so glad now that he felt he could tell me absolutely anything as something sexually health wise happened to him and he was able to tell me absolutely everything and I could help him through it. I could never have had the same level of openness with my own parents, I would have had to worry myself crazy on my own. I see it as helping them through another stage of growing up. They still need us and it must be a relief for them knowing they have someone to turn to. You can't stop her growing up but you'll always be her mum and it sounds like you are a brilliant one.

You sound like a wonderful mum who has given her daughter all the confidence and information she needs to have good and fulfilling relationships. You recognise the sadness, sit with it while it passes and then be proud of how you have brought your daughter up. I am from the generation where most of us were led to believe that sex was not really spoken about other than to be told it was all a bit nasty and not something that "good girls" did and it really had a negative effect on me

Sounds as though you're doing a great job as a mum, and she's lucky to have you. Sounds like a pretty idyllic situation, and hopefully she's going on to have a happy, healthy, fulfilling sex life. Job done

This.
There's a lot of grief work in realising your own upbringing/parents didn't do you any favours.

That's not the flex you think it is, sorry.

I also lost mine young, too young IMO and I really wish I'd waited until I was older. My parents were hopeless and old-fashioned, I had no sex ed from them ATALL and I didn't realise the severity of some of the situations I found myself in.

OP well done you for having open, honest and responsible conversations with your daughter. It's definitely not something to be shamed for.

YABU and seeing it through the (misogynistic) lense of virginity, which is a social construct, being something to be “lost”. It isn’t. Try to see it through a different lense - she is gaining an excellent part of adult life. Also. Well done - it’s hard to break the chain of generational shame around sex.

I wonder if you're wobbling because you wish you could have had this kind of conversation with your mum at her age so you're reminded of bits of parenting that didn't work for you. But you are having them with her, so you're a great mum in that she's comfortable enough to do that. Be proud of yourself and your relationship for that.

You know you are being unreasonable. She is a healthy young woman with her own life, who must take her own decisions. You have provided her with all the knowledge she needs to protect herself.

I guess you're sad because she is now a woman, no longer a child.

I feel exactly the same op. My dd is 17 (18 in the summer) and has been in a relationship with her bf for a couple of months. She is my youngest and we have a close relationship and she tells me most things.

I wonder if it's a girl thing. I have a ds20 and whilst I am close to him too I feel more pensive with regards to dd growing into adulthood, or maybe it's because she is my youngest and with my dc growing up and with my elderly mum coming to the end of her life there are a lot of changes which my brain can't quite take on board right now but it's life and I will just have to move on with that little bit of heavy sadness in my heart.

I can see why you are sad but it sounds like you are good, open, caring mum and DD is in a happy secure relationship. You want her to experience all that life has to offer and this - first love, first sex, the excitement and heartbreak - is all part of it. Can you reframe and find peace in the knowledge she is developing and booming in all the right ways? Of course, as with all family, compartmentalise the sex stuff to a black box in your mind and don’t dwell on what’s in there!

Well is it about "purity" or about her getting older?

It's great that your daughter is able to talk to you about all this. My mum also raised me with shame around sex, and I definitely don't want to pass that on to my kids because, among other things, if you're a bit scared to talk about sex properly with partners, it can lead to contraception fails. Encouraging open conversation about sex is only a good thing.

My 16-year-old son has recently become sexually active with his girlfriend, and that hasn't bothered me in the slightest, but I do think it's a bit different with daughters. I suppose partly because that mother-daughter bond can be such a close one, and this is definitely a cutting of the apron strings, but mainly because sex is higher risk for girls than for boys so you just do worry more.

Just wanted to say - you're a great mum!

I think you can congratulate yourself on being able to help her navigate this. You obviously have a great relationship with her and she feels able to come to you and talk to you about these things. I could never have done that.

So give yourself a pat on the back. And know that if she does need someone to talk to about this, then she's got you.

Well done @WeakandWobbly for changing a generational view of sex as shameful, with your own daughter.

Your feelings are valid - this is part of the steps towards recognising our children are becoming adults with their own agency.

Acknowledge the sad feelings - but also try to feel pride that you have brought her up to choose a good partner - and feel good about the communication you've established between you, when this was not role modeled to you by your mum. And remember - the fact that she can talk to you about this stuff, means that she will come to you if she is in trouble or needs help... you've done a great job.

I’m absolutely sure there is. When I found out my younger son had got himself a gf I was grinning ear to ear and had a skip in my step. He had gone through a mental health crisis (as seems normal for those more affected by Covid isolations) so to see him engage in normal milestones was wonderful for me. They are still going strong. My elder son was so shy at school so I felt the same thrill when he too got a gf a few year’s earlier. But that is having boys. I think as long as your dd is happy then you can relax and know you’re a great mum whose dd actually likes talking to.

You are allowed to experience emotions about events in your life. You don't need to be talked out of feeling emotions. It's not a negative to feel things, it's human.

Perhaps, as well as feeling sad about your daughter growing up, you're also feeling sad for your own teenage self because you didn't have such a positive experience (you say your mum created a sense of shame around sex and couldn't discuss it).

The first time I properly lied to my mother was around this, so good it’s out in the open.
Your sadness is because this is concrete evidence that she’s no longer your little girl.
I have a very close relationship with my DD who is away at uni. I know she doesn’t have a boyfriend currently and does not have a particularly high regard for males in general. BUT! I needed proof of her address for something and asked if she had any recent NHS letters and she told me where they were (she has MS so gets them all the time). I picked one up and just wanted to check it didn’t reveal anything too personal and there it was - a reference to her going on birth control! Now I’d be happy if she had a boyfriend, but it did hit me with a jolt that she was indeed an independent adult human who was making adult decisions totally separate to me. Of course I already knew this in my head, but it did make me feel a bit odd (also that she hadn’t mentioned it to me).
Oddly enough I did not have this reaction at all when my son became sexually active at 16.

My DD is 17 and i’d be pleased if she had a stable boyfriend and was happy to take this step. She is my youngest of 3, relationships change as they get older and that’s ok.

YABU, as you know, because she’s old enough - you say the boy is nice.

Presumably she doesn’t have additionally vulnerabilities that make you worry, or you would have mentioned it. She’s not being promiscuous or involved in dangerous situations. There are much worse was to become sexually active, from experience.

Let her grow up and continue to be a source of support.