DH doesn’t want to look after both children at the same time…

Jesus his older child is 9 so of course he can! Isn’t like they’re both babies!!

A clear sign he doesn't take care of them alone enough. You should do something every week so he can become more used to it. Maybe take up golf? That way you can be away every Saturday or Sunday for 4-8 hours. Exercise is good for you.

Nonsense. Being a sibling is all about having less time with parents one on one. It’s about sharing parental attention. And for the parent, of course it’s harder with two kids. If he didn’t want that for himself or his DD, then he shouldn’t have had a second child. He doesn’t get to have that second child and then retrospectively say she shouldn’t have to share or that he shouldn’t have to work harder.

If it’s not often he’s being unreasonable. It’s nice he wants 1:1 time with his child he doesn’t live with though. I’d attempt for dates to not fall on his time but if it can’t be helped I’d go anyway. I’d be tempted to get a babysitter for your lo at your house just to show him how ridiculous he is being .

What a useless idiot he is!

I think it’s fair for him to think/say it as that age gap will mean the older kid does get less quality time and looking after two kids is usually harder than one BUT that doesn’t mean you have to change your plans.

I think this is a great idea! Tell him you’ve booked a sitter to look after the toddler while he’s in the house looking after the 9yo as it is too much for him. Make him feel like the pathetic shit he is

Indeed.

OP, your manchild needs to learn how to do what women (and plenty of men) manage to do day in, day out - parent the children he has created. Stop enabling him and stop making out like he is a good dad (spoiler alert - he isn’t). Your second post is what is wrong with the world - you are defending him and making excuses. Are you really so low in self esteem that you believe him “giving you a break” is actually something worthy of note. My husband and the father of my two children doesn’t happily take them out to give me a break. We both parent our children equally. To give me a break would suggest I’m doing all the parenting. Fuck that (and I say that as an actual SAHM). Raise your standards!

best time ive seen a 100% YANBU

i understand it not being fair on DD9 but its a situation he created, if it bothered him that much he shouldn't have had another so thats a flimsy excuse.

He needs to suck it up and accept the reduced attention dd is getting.

Seeing your update, it seems really strange to me that the issue is the time split with the kids. Babies take up time, that's what happens. And older siblings learn to suck it up. Either the 9 yr old is being a spoilt previously only child and making unreasonable demands on him, or he is being really controlling trying to spend every minute one to one with her and not letting her have her own time. Or this is all BS and he is just being lazy. Either way you need to go out more. It will help them all readjust

That's not a very good father if he can't look after 2 kids..Hubby happily has our 8 when I go away weekends and vice versa always has since born aswell a good team works together no questions or moans

I’m going to hazard a guess that the op does rather a lot of the parenting of his child too. You know you could step right back from that one don’t you op? Many step parents go for loving aunty type roles.

He is absolutely pathetic and it’s mad that you’re defending him. Not sure how he’s not embarrassed that he can’t look after his own two children, for a whole - an actual real life whole one - night. How does he think single parents manage?!?

They are siblings, of course he can, how else are they going to bond as siblings sharing their dad.

What a twat. Shouldn’t have had a second child should he.

Can you imagine if women came out with this shit? Society would stop bloody functioning

I would be suddenly finding an evening hobby OP, if he did bedtime with baby alone 2 or 3 nights a week he will improve at this. I can't see why a 9 yr old is an issue, why would they need intense minding, they would be just chilling while he deals with baby. If they are out and about they would make life easier surely, minding baby while he runs to the toilet or goes up to order in a cafe. He is being really really unreasonable

He needs to get a grip to be completely honest. They are both his children, he is a parent. That means actually parenting sometimes. End of 🤷‍♀️

Well you can tell him is that the alternative is he has your shared child 50/50 as well. And you can go out to your hearts content 50% of the time.

His older child is not your responsibility in any way.

Perhaps he should have thought of this before having another child. My suspicion is that a 9 year old is ten times easier to take care of on his own than a 14 months old and this is he attempt at an easy life. I’d be giving a hard no to this!

I don't understand why he's saying 'it's not fair' on his DD if you leave them for an eve. Surely he's got that the wrong way round - it would be fair to occasionally give him and his DD (and her little brother) some special time together!?

What would he do if you had another child with him? Refuse to look after your youngest as its not fair on your eldest? He's just using it as an excuse to stop you enjoying an evening out. Knob.

Get a calender for the fridge and just add your night out to it. Then tell him you have added a night out on the calender. Step kid being there makes zero difference.

Grey rock reply.

"Haha, there you go being funny again. Its obviously a funny suggestion, because you chose to have two children and only a shit dad would complain about having to look after the children he chose to have at the same time, and you arent a shit dad, are you? Right, im off to [insert literally anything in another room]'
Act very confused when he brings it up, as if he is suggesting you move to Mongolia.

Tough. He shouldn’t have had a 2nd child then! I wouldn’t feed into this and would just say tough. If he finds it hard then it just means he needs more practice and you should go out more