Would you blame the parent with multiple children NC?

Quite possibly. But knowing a few families where this happened it’s not always as straightforward as mum being only perpetrator. Of course in some cases it might be.

In one case I know the mum was married very young, there was horrific abuse in the marriage. The kids had a terrible childhood and are NC. They are right to do this as that is what they need. But the mum is also someone who deeply regrets staying and at the time felt she had no choice. I am friends with the mum decades on. I don’t minimise the pain for the children. It’s awful. But I don’t need to somehow ‘make her pay’ by ostracising her for decisions she made 30 years ago that she already knows were entirely the wrong ones.

Another person I know was abused as a child. She is now in her 80s and recognises she was cold and distant with her kids and still struggles to show emotion openly. She loves her kids but she failed them, and she was failed by her parents. She has never ever told her kids about the abuse and even now she has only told me little bits (all of which are horrifying). I have compassion for everyone involved honestly. They probably feel their mum never loved them because she never showed love the way they deserved. It’s just horribly sad and past repairing.

I’m not trying to minimise, just explain why I take a more nuanced view.

TBH- I'd probably reserve judgement, but also look at how frequently the person also falls out with friends to see if there is a pattern. Mind you, the only person i know who has (all) of their children NC is someone who cannot keep a friendship either due to her - challenging- behaviour. She makes friends easily as she is charming, yet she can't keep it up.

Agree with this. Every single one of my DHs siblings are no contact with MIL. If it’s only one child then I would think ‘two sides of every story’ but when it is every child there’s a clear pattern.

I’m not sure ‘blame’ is the right word, but I’d probably assume that it had been an unhappy home, and parents have a responsibility for changing that.

Ill health isn’t relevant, the children shouldn’t be guilt tripped into looking after her.

I think there’s two sides to every story.

This, and the “ah but her health” is such an appalling guilt trip.

Yes, I would assume something went on in their childhood that caused this. Especially as it’s multiple children.

Yes

I think going no contact with your mum is a huge decision and unlikely one that was made lightly by either of her children.

Given that they did it separately when not close to each other and for different reasons also goes to show that this wasn’t some one off argument that spiralled or something like that.

I wonder what efforts the mum has made to take accountability for the way her children feel, address concerns, make changes and try and reignite a relationship. My guess is zero and she blames them.

yes

I believe there is always a reason that children go NC with their parents, regardless of what their parents say. People don’t cut off their parents for no reason.

I think two adult children going NC highlights there is something in the parents behaviour that has caused this.

All of my siblings are NC with our parents apart from me, and I'm not keen on our parents either. Come on, objectively, it has got to be on the parents hasn't it? To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, once is a misfortune but more than once looks like carelessness.

Her health has nothing to do with it. Whether the children are right or wrong about their upbringing, the truth is their own. It is so hard to deal with the baggage and guilt that comes with estrangement without the flying monkieys.

Im assuming it means no contact?

To be honest its hard to judge as we will only get one side of a story here, and not enough detail in the original post…..

I’d try to reserve/avoid judgement. These things are often highly complex. Even if she played a role, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve friendship. Sometimes there are circumstances people deeply regret but can’t go back and change. I would take her as I find her. I wouldn’t judge the adult children either. Healing can sometimes mean we aren’t able to stay in contact.

No contact.

What is NC?