Would you blame the parent with multiple children NC?

Really? You think people genuinely go NC with people they love and have good relationships with for a "trivial" reason or because it's "the fashion"?

Or is it more likely that they don't want to explain the reason to you, or it's not a single reason but a long list of them spanning many years - any of which on their own might sound "trivial".

So her NC children have set boundaries and she’s STILL trying to breach them?

there is always a reason that children go NC with their parents

Agreed, but unfortunately that reason sometimes is sadly quite trivial, I guess because there is a craze atm for being NC with 'narcissistic' parents.
It's a cruel action, except when essential to protect the adult child's safety, but, given the fashion for going NC, I don't believe it is often for those reasons.
Sometimes the parent has no idea what they are supposed to have done and is not told.

I’ve been NC with my mother for 4 years. She will tell anyone who’ll listen that I’m stopping her seeing her grandchildren and an awful person. The truth is she is a chronic alcoholic who abused my late father and is the most horrible nastiest person I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Nothing will ever make me talk to her again or subject my children to her.

Yes, I would be very wary of someone who had no friends and two children who had cut contact.

Her ill health is irrelevant.

Her ill health has nothing to do with it, and the children should not be guilt tripped into anything to do with her / her health.
NC is NC - their choice / decision.

I do hope she is not hoping / expecting her only daughter to suddenly step up and start caring about her / for her.

That post tells us exactly why her children are no contact. Good for them.

I usually judge people with any child who is NC and it may be me projecting from my own experience but I just don’t think many people make a decision like this lightly.

I’m NC with my dad, have been for many years. Realised when I reached adulthood how much of a narcissist he actually was. The world completely revolves around him, his own dreams and ambitions (even though they’re a total fantasy) were the most important thing in his life. I’m his only child and he has gladly stopped contacting me because I dared criticise him for this and told him he almost definitely wasn’t going to be famous about 15 years ago… Never met his youngest GC. He lives in lala land. No idea what narrative he pulls about why I’m NC but it’s probably my fault in some way.

Equally, my mum’s partner has two adult daughters. One seems stable - married with two kids, both graduates, both have good jobs and a nice home etc. She won’t speak to him, been NC for years. His younger daughter on the flip side has been to prison, had her DS removed by SS at certain periods, main stream of income is OF and stripping etc. She talks to him but mostly to get money from him. I think something must have gone wrong in their lives for this situation to occur and it does make me wary of him, however nice he seems on the surface.

To be clear, I am not judging your friend’s position.

No I would never judge a mother or father in this situation.

I have known extremely ugly divorces where the children have been brainwashed and weaponised against the other parent, so that they don’t want contact with that parent. It is very sad.

I know of a situation like this and in that case it is absolutely as a result of the mother's behaviour. She would never see or acknowledge that. It's not like she beat or starved her children but the reasons for no contact or low contact are a combination of one or two egregious incidents by themselves and decades of drip-drip wearing negativity and utter selfishness mixed with a misplaced sense of ill-usage.

That's not to say that she's necessarily had an easy run of it herself but she has never been able to focus on the good or, crucially, put aside her own woes to focus on what's best for her children in any consistent way (when they were children or as adults).

If all your children are united in feeling negatively towards you, and especially if we're looking at a sample size of three or more, I think you have to accept that the problem is probably you somewhere along the line.

Re whether I 'judge' her, mainly what I feel towards her is sadness mixed with frustration that so much of this and her unhappiness in general is within her power to change (as has been both gently and firmly pointed out to her at various times) but it seems easier or preferable in some way to her to continue exactly as she is, remaining quite unhappy and also bitter about it.

If this is about you, I hope you chose differently.

Yes. One child can be explained as an argument/ disagreement gone to extreme. Multiple siblings no contact or very low contact suggests something deeper and that that parent is problematic in some way, especially as the children have maintained contact with the other parent.

Yes I think there's a reason they're NC.
2 of my kids are NC with their dad, 3rd speaks to him because he's her dad but won't meet his new partner or half sibling. Will only speak to him on the phone or see him if it's convenient for her but at the end of the day the calls and in persons would be no more than twice a year.

Its his fault they don't want a proper relationship with him. The two that don't speak to him I don't think ever will. But he deserves it.
So I'd say there is a reason hers don't too.

The hospital/illness thing is really manipulative, just because someone is unwell doesn’t mean they can treat people however they like. Someone who can’t keep a friend and has fallen out with several family members then it’s very likely that they are the problem.

No, because I know how easy it is for family relationships to break down over misunderstandings.

The fact that there are two children is irrelevant. One might have followed the other’s lead.

It’s the particular circumstances that would lead me to judge.

To give a little bit more context woman doesn’t really have any friends. She has a few people who check on her due to illness but no deep meaningful friendships, she is very lonely due to this.

This sounds like my mother. She fails to make the link between her own bad behaviour and lack of friends and (maybe, it is my mother) the fact that 2 of her children are NC. It's always other people.

It also sounds like her illness is being used to guilt trip and to make others feel sorry for her.

@TheBushySquirrel the situation could be entirely her fault. That doesn’t mean she can’t be treated with kindness now.

People can be vulnerable and old and in need, AND have managed previous relationships badly.

Don’t assume she will manage new relationships well. Only give what you can afford. If you can afford to be kind and supportive, then that’s a good deed.

DM is supported by neighbours who are far nicer than she deserves. She needs their support because none of her local children or grandchildren want to spend time with her. They could do better- between them they could pop in for an hour a month and she’d see someone every week. She can get out and about, she’s very busy, but needs help when she can’t reach something, or her tech goes wrong.

One child, could see that being a fluke. Multiple children I might wonder if there was something going on. That said, situations can be complex and I would withhold judgement. I know a man who has no contact with his three children. I haven't asked the situation but I know situations can be complex, parental alienation exists, so do other situations, and it might not be his fault. I just take him as I find him and as I relate to him and don't pry. I've just acknowledged these things can be complicated.

yes.

my step sisters have all fallen out with their mother and she fell out with me snd my dad because she’s not a nice person. Very bitter inside and takes it out on those around her. Apart from a few close friends whom she must be carefully manipulating to get sympathy for how awful we all are….

If the woman has no deep friendships and has a child/children who believe that she is manipulative, then I'd suggest she isn't a particularly pleasant person.

We reap what we sow

So sorry - It sounds an awful situation - have you contacted the police?

my father is 80. I had a psychotic breakdwon at 44 and lost everythign id worked for in my beautiful life. even my Christian faith. I said I needed a break from seeing him and he proceeded to make threats of violence against me and my husabnd. He is 80. he has never ever once apologised for any of the bad thigns that happened to us as children.

I would say it’s clear all the people in question couldn’t find a way to make their relationship healthy.

In my extended family there are lots of fallings out. Some of us manage to maintain our relationships, others have had to step away. At different times the blame has been squarely in different places. Ultimately it’s a combination of people and flaws that doesn’t co exist comfortably.

Generational trauma. Not everyone can learn the skills and attitudes they would need to navigate things differently.

I'd say the fact two children have seperately decided to go none contact would suggest that there is merit to their claims of her being manipulative and not respecting boundaries, especially since they've gone none contact and she keeps trying to contact them! It's a very large and difficult decision for a child to go NC with a parent, not made lightly, and I'd tend to think the children had very good reason based only off the info given here.

My DP is no contact with his mum. I have never met her. He says she broke his trust many times and meddled in his life telling lies.

his other 6 brothers speak to her occasionally but are not close.

Apparently growing up she had multiple affairs and left their dad with the kids. DP was the oldest and growing up with the babysitter whilst she had her affairs.

I met her once and she seemed nice. But DP says it’s fake and she can’t be trusted. Rest of family say that too.