Would you blame the parent with multiple children NC?

'and DP isn’t very close to her'

so obiv you would not get closer than him, surely he is the one that matters to you

I think if you mean doing things like visits, taking her stuff in hospital and so on then if your partner is happy, I might give it a go. But are you SURE he's happy? "Its up to you" is, in my personal experience, an odd response. It sounds more like a refusal to discuss it than genuinely not minding either way. If by support she means intervening between her and her children to try to get them to make contact then no no a thousand times no.

That right there is her manipulation.

trust your mother

Who knows. I know if someone that went NC with their father as they a) ‘only’ gave a substantial contribution to the wedding and did not pay for the whole thing, and b) refused to pay for their IVF. So, not sure NC is representative of anything, you would have to know the underlying reasons.

Given your updates, I would not get involved.

I’d think it was none of my business and not give it a second thought.

My siblings and I, I'm one of 4, all don't speak to my parents, as they're abusive assholes. It's usually the parents in my experience.

Then there's your answer.
If you like her and are happy to support her, then go for it. It's quite likely she might be lovely as anything to you as you are giving her what she wants.
If she starts being mean to you or treating you badly then walk away.

Equally, you should not feel under any obligation to do anything because you feel sorry for her.

If you do get involved, I would suggest putting a hard boundary about her not talking about her NC children to you (and likewise not talking about their mum to the NC children). Otherwise it will get too messy.

Be wary Op.

There is a similar situation in DH’s family. Disabled woman - no contact with her only child. I was asked to help with something and quickly discovered what an awful bully and bigot she actually is. But she paints herself as the victim.

There is no doubt that her disability has shrunk her world and she has few friends, and little exposure to any views but her own. I would never wish her disability on anyone.

But, she has treated her adult child appallingly , as she does not ‘approve’ of their life.

So tread carefully.

My mum is NC with my older half sister. Her parents and my sister's father were neglectful and abusive, and my mum as such is basically a half-person in many ways.

When I was little, on the way to school, my mum would recount physical abuse from her mum and her first husband. To a 5yo - who was then periodically expected to visit the grandmother! My mum had two more of us with my lovely dad, but my older siblings were two traumatised teens who probably needed all the focus, not two toddlers. My sister in particular went off the rails.

Is my mum at fault for having been abused? Of course not. I'd say she should have known better than to have more children. And when I was a teenager, she found ANOTHER massive life grievance to become obsessed with, so repeated the effect with us younger ones.

So my sister is better off out of it, and the rest of us know where we stand.

(And I would never NEVER blend a family like that myself.)

I'd be wary of getting involved at her request tbh. Toxic people have a particular skill at drawing others in- especially newcomers.

You have kindly of answered your own question. The children seem nice as does the DIL. Of course she insists she did nothing wrong but she clearly had an issue with her DIL and fortunately her DS was prepared to take her crap. Maybe if she accepted there were issues they could be resolved but whilst she is in the mindset that she has done nothing and it's om her kids there is no making up to be done. Even if she did accept there were issues those NC children don't have to accept her back as part of their lives.

All my siblings are NC/LC with our parents. Our parents are apparently baffled by this. I am not.

Agree with your friends and family that you should be wary. If multiple children have cut her off, there'll be a good reason for that. People don't go NC with their mums for fun.

It's up to your partner to give/not give her support. You don't need to get involved. I think that your own mother is giving you good advice.

I'm not assuming it, you are, by saying that no child (the younger generation in the relationship) would ever go no contact with a parent without good reason. I'm doing the opposite and saying of course they might, because there are unreasonable people in every generation, and it could just as easily be the adult child at fault as the parent.
I agree, acting like a parent no longer exists should be a huge deal. But in reality, 'going no contact' is thrown about by some people pretty liberally these days, and provides a handy reason not to bother with a parent who had become an inconvenience.
Not always of course, but it happens. Each case of family estrangement will be different. Sometimes it's the parents fault, sometimes the adult child's.
Two children does suggest a fault with the parent, but on the other hand, there are cases where one family member or the other parent poisons the well against a person.

Are you writing about yourself OP? My eldest d has been nc for years. She was planning on moving with us when we downsized, but met someone several days before the move. We met him and didn't like him on sight, he came across as controlling and rude. Was she getting any money from the house move? Were her siblings? No, why would they, we needed it to live on it wasn't a vast amount anyway. She decided she wasn't going to move, told us and her siblings we were selfish about the money and wanted nothing more to do with any of us.
All over the space for a couple of weeks.
I keep in touch with one of her friends, most have been dropped as they don't like him, and apparently they are now married and living in a grotty bedsit. Her friend has told her we'd help but was told her d unless it was hard cash we could fuck off. Nice one.
So the family have done just that, she knows the door is open if she needs us, but I don't think she'll ever walk through it.

Theres obviously a reason for NC and her other children not being close, but could be anything.

Was it something she did. Did the children stay with the father. Could she have been discouraged from keeping up a relationship. Could bad things have been said about her to stop her children wanting to see her. Did she just not bother. Did she give them a bad upbringing.

There are lots of reasons for NC.

I’d be curious if the mother was so keen to repair relationships and contact the kids prior to needing help with her ill health. Two NC children to the point where they won’t let her see the grandkids and no friends or anyone else to help her speaks volumes. It’s interesting to say one of the children is her only daughter…what does that fact have to do with anything? Or are you implying the daughter specifically should be helping her because you know…she’s a female?

Why are her other children not helping her also?

Honestly I think a lot of things are genetic so they might call a mum a narcissist, selfish, stubborn etc etc, the kids will have some of these traits too and the combination is explosive, so while some families would find a way through, other families split. And I’m saying this as someone who has recently realised one of my children is leaning towards one of my very much not better traits and I’ve had to have a talk to try to help them not be what I was

Yeah sorry but 2 children going NC to me suggests a parent issue. Perhaps generational trauma coming into fruition but not a normal relationship outcome. And very sad all round.

Curious as to OPs role in this and why she feels the need to judge either the mother or the kids who went NC.

Two children, entirely independently going NC with the same person. There is only one common denominator there. Unless there is a massive drip feed about the father being abusive and controlling towards his daughters and “poisoning” them, then I’d have to assume the daughter’s have both had poor experiences and have their own reasons for going NC. I wouldn’t place blame because I don’t know the full story, but I certainly would think something has gone wrong with the relationship and the mother should listen to their story and be open to whether she could have done things differently.