Would you blame the parent with multiple children NC?

Does it matter? Family dynamics are strange, fathers and mothers can manipulate their children into feeling bitter towards the opposite parent.
Maybe she raised them to be resilient and have strict boundaries that they used against her. It is really none of your business.

Maybe the step father abused the children and that now 'frail little old lady' chose him and not her kids. You have no idea what happened, it's not your place to judge the children. Clearly she wasn't a good mother if none of the kids are close to her. Think about it. Mothers don't become saints because they get old.

Or, you just didn't experience what your sister did. Just because you didn't experience it doesn't make your sister a liar.

I was estranged from my mother for many years and I recall early on a few people subtly telling me I was unreasonable, she didn't mean the cruel things she did, I misunderstood her, etc etc. I never engaged with those people bc its not my job to describe blow by blow the crap she did to me. I simply removed myself from a bad situation and moved on with my life.

Several of those people came to me years later to tell me in shocked tones that she'd turned on them too and they couldn't believe the depths she sunk to simply to wreck their lives. One even asked me why I didn't warn her LOL that bitch made me cry with her insistence I was crazy for going NC then had the tall nerve to say that to my face.

OP I suggest you be warm and friendly and distant, never let your guard down or you may be the one she shines her light on next.

I want to be able to give her support but my own Mum and friends have told me to be very wary of her as there is a reason that her children treat her the way that they do and they think I am walking into the lions den.

They’re right. We are NC with MIL for very good reasons.

In your specific situation, if you have personally had okay interactions with her and are comfortable offering her some level of support, I would do that. I would, however, be careful about boundaries. Be clear in your own head what you are/are not willing to do and that these are reasonable boundaries so that if she IS th eproblem with other relationships, when she starts trying it on you, you are already clear on what your response would be.

I think that no contact is not something most people do lightly. I also believe that yes, some children can be low contact or no contact for reasons that make no sense to the rest of us. But it does to them, and that's the important thing.

Mmm, in my brothers case it's that our mum finally stopped giving or "lending" him cash, or paying off his dealers. He's been an addict since his teens and he blames her for every bad decision he's ever made.

Once she stopped being his cash cow he dropped her like a hot brick. She'd still be willing to be in his life but not as a cash machine.

Every now and then he manipulates some other poor sucker into befriending him (ie providing financial support) with tales about how his horrible family abandoned him. They soon find out the truth.

Im NC with my mum, sister is very minimal/low contact, brother lives with her (he's 33). My sister is in regular contact with our dad but me and brother are completely NC. It takes a lot to go NC imo. I wouldn't care if either of mine were ill health I still wouldn't see them. My mum's always the victim and makes everyone feel sorry for her too it's frustrating.

I wouldn't judge either way. I'm sure they have their reasons. Whether they are good enough reasons, who knows? You'll only get one side of the story. If I was her friend I would try to be there for her anyway.

I'd just be very mindful and polite and tactful with all factions you are in contact with.

Be Switzerland.

And have good firm boundaries. Don't be constantly available emotionally or practically, say no sometimes even if you don't need to. This way you will soon see if she is respectful of boundaries.

I’d say keep out of it. By all means remain civil etc but don’t get heavily involved. If you choose to do as she is asking, keep in mind that when you can’t do something or feel she is asking to much, it will be you who is the next ‘bad one’ that she talks about, much as she is doing with your ‘controlling’ SiL just now.
So, unless you have a very thick skin and don’t mind that prospect, I’d say no. Being miles away gives you an easy out.

Some kids are just grasping grifters

Not quite . DD1 is friends with my friend’s DD and she has admitted that problems started when her Mum refused give her money for a new car .

Woman in next bed to my elderly mum during hip break in hospital aged 88 had children come but it all felt less than heartfelt. She would cry on her own when they had gone. I felt really sorry for her. She seemed so alone and in.pain. The son dropped in but was going back to Spain so couldnt hang around. And the daughter dropped in and made a rather big theatrical show of visiting imo but only ever saw her once again. (My mum was there 5 weeks as was the woman. ) The woman told my mum her husband had died and she'd married again and the children werent keen on the stepfather, so maybe they held it against her. . It all seemed so sad as she was such a sad frail little old lady. The dil seemed kinder and doing more than either the son or daughter. Yes, people may hold grudges and maybe justifiably but it just seemed mean to me now that she was just a sad little old lady in a hospital bed and in need. I could feel myself bristling every time i saw one of the children flouncing in. It seemed performative. She had a birthday while there with balloons and big box of chocolates and all very lovely......but i felt it was put on as a show for the doctors and nurses coz the kids did bugger all in the.way of real comfort or helping or bothering to visit. I uses to go down to the shop ansd get things for her. I used to feel.like ahouting f* off to the children when i saw them.

I wouldn’t get involved if I were you, your relationship with your MIL is your DH’s responsibility.

It doesn’t sound like her children like her very much and I would imagine there is a huge backstory to this family dynamic that played out long before you met your DH. It’s worth bearing in mind that children do not seek estrangement from a healthy relationship with a loving, caring parent.

If your DH is low contact with his mother, there is a reason for that too. Don’t get suckered in to filling the responsibility void in their family.

One might have indoctrinated the other. My sister went non-contact with our parents and none of what she has ever said about them is true. I think she has false-memory syndrome.

I would remove the factor „blame“ from the equation. You should support her as much as you want, feel comfortable with and can afford (financially, mentally etc).

That includes being cautious and having firmer boundaries than you might with other people (due to the background information of NC etc).

but more importantly: what is your DH - her son - saying? Is he offering her support or is he staying away / being cautious?

edit: You do not need to support her. Toni’s your right to be wary and cautious. That isn‘t you blaming her or being judgemental. That’s simply a case of protecting your own peace and your own family.

So why do you feel you ought to help?

I can't think of any reason other than being guilt tripped.

@TheBushySquirrel I highly recommend you spend some time watching some of these skits which show some ofthe dynamics that can be at play when children go no contact. Not saying this is what your MIL or siblings-in-law are like. But as someone who comes from a family with a lot of challenging behaviours I find these skits make me think quite deeply and are also quite helpful in thinking about how I want to show up for my family. This is one of the most recent ones.
Barb (the MIL) seeks therapy skit

I am trying to figure out how much support to offer the woman as the partner of one of the children who isn’t NC.

She blames the wife of her son for him falling out with her citing her as controlling, and would say her daughter has been difficult for years and believes she cut her off due to her getting poorly.

I am trying to figure out how much support to offer the woman as the partner of one of the children who isn’t NC.

DP isn’t very close to her as she divorced his Dad and moved hours away when he turned 17

You contradicted yourself @TheBushySquirrel
I’m not getting involved...it’s none of my business.

Keep out of it. Nothing good will come of you getting involved. She is not your parent.

You do not know what went on in the past, or as I told my mothers neighbour - You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

Edited

I think my DP doesn’t want me to feel put upon by her and he knows she can be full on. We live quite far away and he is literally not here for months at a time anyway so he cannot do it himself.

I think he's trying to tell you to keep out of it. Swap the word "cannot" to "will not" and that's probably closer to the mark.

I think maybe your family are worried, given that you can't say no, that you will end up in a situation that you can't get out of.

I don't think that would be the other person's fault necessarily - people need boundaries for healthy relationships of any type or they feel taken advantage of because they can't manage situations. Given this is likely to be an issue I would set clear expectations for yourself and boundaries on what you offer before you begin and meet her. For eg, visit once every 2 weeks, never lend money, take fruit, don't do cleaning etc etc.

I wouldn't judge.
It's easy to try to ascribe "blame" but it's more complex isn't it?
Parent may have had multiple issues, none of which are her fault which impacted her ability to cope with parenting.
Each kid experiences childhood differently.

Simply this: does she add to your life or take away from it?