Would you blame the parent with multiple children NC?

I only know one person with multiple no contact children, it was/is definitely her.

On average I would think it was probably the parent's fault.

However if there are divorced parents it can be parental alienation, so done by one parent against the other.

I also had a situation where in my early 30s my older sister went through a stage of telling people what a dreadful childhood we'd had. We didn't. We weren't rich, parents were strict in a lot of ways, but there was a lot of love and what we needed we had, even if it wasn't the designer makes.

She tried a few times to get me on her side and agree with her, but I remember all the events she was talking about and she was really misrepresenting the situation - and no it wasn't that she was treated differently. I'm not talking about punishments or things that went wrong, but ordinary family occasions where she was spinning a tale removed from what had happened.
Eg one of them was she was telling how we'd been to a party and all the other children had got ice creams and we hadn't been allowed. But what she hadn't remembered was that the reason why we hadn't was because they were only serving them with brightly coloured sauces already on that our brother was very allergic to - and Mum stopped on the way home and brought a tub for us to eat at home - which was a huge treat as we didn't have much money for things like than, nor did we have a freezer so ice cream was a big rarity. The organiser had also felt sorry for us and given us an extra chocolate bar (another rarity in our life!)- so I'd thought of this as a big win.
She does tend to be a glass half empty (as is my brother) whereas I'm glass half full person which didn't help.

Yes, there were some things she didn't like and I did and vice versa, but they weren't dreadful parenting as she wanted me to say. But if I'd been enough younger that I hadn't remembered those situations, or didn't remember what had happened then I'd probably have believed her and felt indignant too.

There are certainly things I would agree our parents made mistakes over, but show me any parent that doesn't. And certainly nothing that justified her months of telling people how hard done by we were,

You don’t need to do anything op.

My brother and I are both NC with our dad. Because he is a prick.

Someone getting ill doesn’t mean they are suddenly not a prick.

The thing is, you don't really know this woman very well, do you? You haven't known her for very long and she doesn't live close enough for you to see her with any frequency.

What you DO know is that the people who have known her all their lives, and once depended entirely on her for their well-being, have removed her from their lives. Your partner hasn't, but he has withdrawn quite considerably and doesn't seem to have any concern that you might not support his mother like she would like you to. He doesn't seem bothered at all...

I would draw the conclusion that you are seeing the version of his mother that she would like you to see, and that she is trying (in "desperation") to get you to get them to contact her again. You are being manipulated to her own ends. She probably views you as a puppet that she might be able manoeuvre to get what she wants.

I would take a giant step back and leave this woman be, and I wouldn't be pitying her either. She is reaping what she has sown.

You’ve answered your own q here.
Together with your own family’s suggestions to stay away, I believe you’d be better off finding a new hobby, well away from elderly time consuming folk?
I mean all this in the nicest possible way, truly. 🙂

Every single person I know that has gone NC with a parent has had a very good reason to.
And I know a few of the parents who insist they're not to blame and have no idea why it's happened... Yes they do. They'd been warned and spoken to many times. I had seen it myself.

Just because someone is family doesn't mean you're obligated to help.

You help because you care and want to.

I wouldn't blame anyone because 1) not my business and 2) relationships are complicated, we all make different choices and these things happen. It's just life.

I would be extremely wary of stepping in to the gap you perceive OP. You can be friendly from a distance without taking on any responsibility or burden of caring.

I wouldn't judge. I don't know the details.

Then drop her.

A friend should add something to your life, at least some of the time.

Multiple children all just happening to be shits is considerably less likely than one person having been a poor parent and reaping what they’ve sown.

My father has 4DC who have gone no contact with him. He is genuinely confused as to why that is, since he considers himself not to be a bad person and father (this is what he has told me after I tried to make clear what my issues were).

The reality is that he is very controlling, narcissistic, has had social services involvement for his children multiple times, cheated on all of his partners including my mother and is generally not a nice and safe father figure. He would always have something negative to say.

People can judge me and my siblings all they like. I am staying away for my mental health.

I have a family member where two of his three children won't speak to him. They've completely cut him off.

If you ask him, he cannot understand why and is convinced he's done nothing.

I won't go into it, but he's wrong. We watched him do this to himself and tried at various points to stop him before he pushed them too far.

He's also unwell with very little support. It's of his own making and when anyone tries to help he's also horrible to them and then can't understand when they stop away.

I'd be inclined to believe she absolutely is the reason her children don't speak to her, she just sees herself as a victim and everything as everyone else's fault.

When a woman walks away from an emotionally abusive relationship, children often end up blaming her for the family exploding. I have seen the father successfully manipulate the children against the mother.

She blames the wife of her son for him falling out with her citing her as controlling

This is a dynamic we have all heard of.... for me, a klaxon is sounding that she was perhaps an interfering and controlling mother-in-law, still keen to come first in her son's life etc

I would reserve judgement, because there is reason that the children have gone NC with her. People might view their decision as selfish or, "think of her health!" and, "You only get one mum"... but there is a reason why they aren't in contact, and even more so if it's more than one child from the sibling group. The decision won't have been made lightly. If cutting her out has been beneficial for their well-being, then good for them for taking such a drastic measure. I hope that no amount of manipulation and guilt-tripping would make them question that decision.

Families are complicated, and what we see on the outside is not a true representation of what goes on in the home.

But dont forget, sometimes children become adults who are just shits who'll look for any vague excuse not to have to care. That happens too.

Maybe. Who knows.

This 100%. Unless OP is one of the adult kids she has no real idea and even then her view will have a particular slant.

Oof. OP you seem like a very kind person. As someone who’s DH is LC with his D(?)M, I’d advise you err on the side of caution here… I really felt for my MIL and wanted to help… and quickly learned why DH is LC with her. As much as we want to help, there is very little we can do without our own lives imploding.
I’d keep a safe distance.

I would think it was none of my business and refrain from judging her.

I think mothers get judged a lot worse than fathers for the same (or better) parenting. I know someone who went no contact with their mother but remains on good terms with Disney dad who she openly acknowledges was never there for her during her childhood.

While I empathise with her reasons, I sometimes wonder why her mother isn’t given more grace for her less than perfect parenting (no abuse involved, some lack of attention bordering on emotional neglect at times, though she was always loving), in circumstances where she had to be both mum and dad to 4 children for much of their childhood.

But dad gets to have a good adult relationship with his kids because he was always the distant but fun one and didn’t have to carry any of the emotional burden or impact of the consequences of his actions on his family.

I always look at these things in the context of unbalanced expectations of mothers by society, and even their own children.