To find H's tiredness unattractive

my husabnd has been like this pretty much since we got married at 28.

I asked him to see a doctor and he refused. always says hes fine.

the stress doing everythign sent me into psychosis.

it could be you DH has sleep apnoea - I think my husband does but again he refuses to see a doctor. I suspect I ahd it but I went on a healthy eating regime and lost 5 stone - DH dint join me in that endeavour, ate the healthy food and then junk on top and a bottle of wine a night.

He also farted the biggest farts and just thought it was cute

unti li had the psychosis I dont know hwy but I just worshipped the sound he trod on

"He can stay up till 2am gaming if he wants"

Get yourself a hobby and leave him to it

But it would be a start off point. At the moment he doesn't appear to think there is anything wrong at all. It could be there isn't anything wrong. At least bloods would rule some things in or out. If they didn't show anything then it would be for him to discuss with the GP if they wanted anything else to be considered, which is more than he is doing now

Needs a better sleep schedule

Be careful OP. In my early 50s I was exhausted, falling asleep on the sofa at 8pm. My then partner whined about me ignoring him, about not getting enough sex.

He gave me an ultimatum, so I finished it. Those who loved me sent.me to a gp. I had breast cancer. I got that sorted, health restored, then ex wanted to come back. Not a chance cos I knew what he really cared about and it wasn't me.

Get your dh to a doctor. There are lots of possible causes for tiredness, but it needs dealing with.

If he wants to be left alone that means nobody getting or making him things. Or even speaking to him.

Huffing, puffing, being too lazy to get your own food, doing no housework or physical activity for either work or leisure, no wonder he feels old. Laziness will do that to you.

But 47 is far from old and I know 92 year olds that do 50x more than what he does. If he doesn't need a doctor then he really is just lazy.

Once you and the kids stop pandering to him he'll soon realize he doesn't want to be left alone after all. But by that time it could be too late.

I don't think telling it's unattractive will be helpful in anyway. I had fatigue issues while I was married and my ex made it clear he was disgusted with me.

The doctor or marriage counselling is a very fair ultimatum though. If there is a physical issue, you want a partner who will try and work to resolve it and not settle for poor health that is affecting the family, although not all health issues can necessarily be rectified.

I would even go so far as to suggest your partner needs to organise the marriage counselling, because there is nothing worse than a husband attending a therapy session to appease his wife and be able to say 'look what I did', and it is very easy for a man to do when a woman has organised it all.

I would also say there is a chance your husband could be the same as mine was, he didn't much like family life with young demanding children and ended up not liking me very much either, but he disliked the idea of being alone even more, so at the 11th hour he would always pull out some small efforts. Don't fall for that, get out, and free yourself if he is just a miserable bastard.

Op, book you both into a yearly check up.
You are over 40 and it's sensbile that you want to stay healthy.
Phone and ask for almost free kits to check for bowel cancer, to be posted out yearly.

Buy only healthy food.
Encourage early nights for you both.
Take a daily walk together.

If your DH is still SO old and tired after improving his lifestyle he might be depressed.
Does he work in a physically demanding job?

Good that the kids are learning to cook and make food but they need to say NO to their Dad sometimes - especially when he has been up playing computer games. That is self inflicted and selfish behaviour.

Take up some hobbies, Op, including one that DH might find enjoyable - ie golf, rambling, model planes, concerts.

What I mean rocking roller is people didn't used to talk in medical terms.

Controlling husbands were "difficult/demanding", now they're "abusive".
People were "upset/feeling down/grief stricken/heartbroken", now they're "depressed".
People got "worried/stressed", now they "have anxiety".
Annoying parents/in-laws were a "pain in the arse", now they're "narcissistic/toxic".
There were "retarded/special needs" kids, now people name their specific disorder.

I'm not saying it's wrong, just that people didn't used to be so medically exact in the way they described things, that's all.

(Sorry for the thread derail OP)

Sounds like poor diet/gut health, lack of exercise and lack of sleep. Makes anyone lethargic and it becomes a downward spiral.

If he won’t do anything about it, even when you’ve expressed concern it’s preventing you from enjoying life as a couple, he surely must realise it’s dooming your relationship.

I'm UK in my 40s. Everyone everywhere here called it vagina since the dawn of time as far as I'm concerned. Nobody called it anything else except old fashioned euphemisms. Vulva is a relatively new term in common use, last decade or so I guess. Can't say I monitored language exactly. I'm talking IRL not online, perhaps it was different online.

Im mid 40s and I’d love to go to bed or lie on the couch at 9. Life is and work is exhausting! Your question about why your friends etc don’t irritate you- your dh is the adult you spend the most time with in life and you’re secretly possibly wondering why he isn’t showing you the time of your life. Everything about him is irritating you- I’d hate dh to comment on how when I fart it annoys him etc etc. I don’t know what the answer is but just for you to see another side.

@ThreeSixtyTwo

The standards for "well" by the NHS are abysmal. Get hold of your blood test results and research them yourself to see whether anything is off or not. Other countries have "needs treatment" at levels UK docs mark as "fine". That's assuming anyone actually looked at your test results in the first place before telling you you're fine! That's step one.

As well as stress reduction measures which, alongside good health practices, will help your immune system be it's best.

Take a multivitamin /mineral if you don't already, upgrade to a higher spec one if you do already take one. Additionally take 1000mg vitamin C at the first sign of illness and keep taking until better. Get daylight daily, even if it means a walk in the rain and even if you already do some kind of exercise.

Knock the gaming at 2am on the head too, it's possibly a sign of something like you're overtired, frustrated with your health or emotionally strung out with the pressures of life and it won't fix any of it, just be a temporary distraction that only makes things worse in the long run. If you're working 9-5 ish you need to be asleep at 2am, make it happen. Try Headspace app or something (or look for similar free stuff on YouTube).

I like the quite life and i like to be left alone.
If i could i would live in the middle of know where tbh.
In my teens 20s and early 30s i was a yoyo in out travel here and there, walks etc now 40s ive slowed down.

Its not old age creeping in its just i like peace more.
I was the get up and go person now im more of meh i`ll mooch.
By all means ask him to see a gp, i was asked to see one by my ex i did, nothing wrong with me, its like a shift in life i can only speak for myself on that.
I dont hate people i have a few friends but i just rather be left alone sometimes.
And i make a huff sound getting up or sitting down not loud huffsJust ahhh,
farting well i live alone so who cares they hurt if i hold them in thanks to ibs.

Some can run after toddlers in their 40s early 50s some are having babies at that age, then theirs people like me that just dont have the get up and go like we use to.

I thought that saying'vagina' instead of 'vulva' was an American thing. Thr vagina has always been the passage up to the womb. it's not a new thing in the UK to say 'vulva' or some slang expression, in my experience.

It's the new buzz-word for menopause. Everything is "peri" now. I suppose it's shorter to type. Technically menopause is the point where periods stop. There's often a bunch of symptoms for years before that happens. It all used to be just called menopause and everyone knew what people meant. I guess some people like to be more medically accurate now. Like the way a lot of people will talk about their vulva because vagina is technically only the inside bit. It's just language usage evolution.

Maybe he's been going to the doctors for years - you have no idea. I'd been going to the doctors for about 30 years with many of these symptoms before I managed to get a diagnosis of anything at all. Less and less often as the years went on as it just felt like there was no point. They did some silly blood tests most times and told you there was nothing wrong with you when you knew everything was wrong with you. It may be that he doesn't advertise these trips to the doctor as what's there to say about them? When you're constantly told that nothing's wrong and you have no way of proving that something is wrong, what do you do? Anyone ill or disabled with anything that doesn't show up quickly on a test will be gaslit into pretending they're ok/just not trying hard enough for years or even decades.

No advice, but a question. What would help from his side?

I'm in your DH's place.
I'm feeling tired. GP didn't found anything out of order. I'm trying to be more active and it does get better, but every small illness or other problem returns me to the too tired to get up and do something stage.
I've resolved an orthopedic issue which was limiting me when I do have energy, but no clue about the energy itself.

I'm trying to be fair - planning active time together, doing things when I can (so it's not everything on my DP). But sometimes it's me on the coach at 2 am playing a mindless game. Because it's something I can do and feel normal while doing so, forget about not having the zing to get up and ....

Worth getting him to go to the doctors for some bloods. Could be something minor that is easily sorted, but could be something more serious that needs treatment. If neither of those, then yes be annoyed.

Lots have said this so it's not you in particular I'm picking at, but collectively, why don't you all think she's allowed to be annoyed now? Why isn't she allowed to be annoyed that this grown man isn't willing to take any care of his own health at all. He's not her pet! She can't just "take him to the doctor's". It's not her decision or her responsibility.

I think this has some truth. But why dont I hate my kids/family/friends/colleagues

Because they're not lazy shits who show you no consideration and you're not married to them?

I think your gut instinct is right and it's nothing to do with menopause.

It doesn't matter that he's only 47. He's basically announced that he's 80, not interested in being healthy, not interested in family and home life, doesn't really care about anyone except himself and told you effectively to fuck off. That's what you're married to. Anybody in their right mind would be angry about it.

This is unfair - there are loads of conditions that don't show up on any tests yet that have these symptoms. He could be really ill and you'd never have it show up on a test.

Worth getting him to go to the doctors for some bloods. Could be something minor that is easily sorted, but could be something more serious that needs treatment. If neither of those, then yes be annoyed.

Some of those symptoms are similar to mine before being diagnosed as anaemic, having underactive thyroid, or celiac. Not all diagnosed at the same time, but was diagnosed with underactive thyroid a few months before being anaemic, so hard to tell which was causing things such as tiredness. Over 15 years later the celiac was picked up because I went to the doctor for symptoms not related to my stomach - bloods showed I was anaemic, and gluten antibodies were raised - which led to other investigations. Hadn't realised how bloated I was, until I cut out the gluten.

Why do you stay with him? You're incompatible now. He's "old" in his personality. And he possibly has health issues he won't sort out. Doesn't sound like he's exercising or taking basic care of himself, eating nutritious food etc.

I'd really really leave him alone. He sounds insufferable.