Is this messy or normal?

You sound really lovely OP but I think it's important to understand that living with someone who is obsessively tidy when you are not particularly tidy yourself is as stressful/frustrating as living with someone who is not particularlyy tidy when you are extremely tidy. I'm not particularly tidy and my mum is obsessively so (also ND) and it drives me nuts when I put something down and then can't find it because she's put it away somewhere. Or when i just want some things conveniently near me and she wants them put away in a box.

I think the fact that this small pile of things that aren't yours and aren't in your space are 'bothering you a lot' and the fact that it's on your mind so much that you posted a thread on here about makes me wonder if yo're tipping from ADHD hyper focus into OCD. I'm not an expert but I think you need to leave his things alone, not feel the need to put them in a box and get some/some more help with this.

It would also depend for me how long things are left for. For me I leave things like that for a time when I feel a little overwhelmed, haven't thought of a place to put things or have just been busy doing other stuff. Eventually it is dealt with and put away.

DH on the other hand, would let it build and build and you'd have to dig him out 20 years later.

I’m just imagining the reaction if a man dared to post this about his wife or partner….

You wouldn't put up with it? Why do you get to set the parameters for how you and your husband live? I've noticed that women often promote themselves to be the boss of the house!

Ha You should see my side of the bed.

something like this, or more decorative @MessOrNotMess?

Normal. I have plenty of piles of stuff like that and I'm very organised and a lawyer.

If I were your dh, I’d consider that level of control ltb territory. His stuff. His space.

But it clearly does impact you and he sounds very accommodating. My concern is that he might actually be avoidant and could be storing up deeper tensions ? Have you had any deeper conversations about this? Would you consider talking it out in couples counselling?

Incidentally, Dana K White has a no mess method where you follow 5 steps and never pull everything out or make a bigger mess. It might be something to look at so you don’t trigger overwhelm if you try to tidy. I ended up in tears over the dc’ playroom on a couple of occasions before I discovered her approach so I highly recommend her.

My husband wouldn’t have it like that, suits me as I just like a table lamp and a book.

Can you please persuade my husband to do this comics are taking over our house (bagged and boarded in special boxes of course.......)

That’s tidy in my mind!

It looks perfectly normal to me. However, your DH sounds like he understands you so just ask him if he'd mind having a wee tidy up.

That's minimalist in my view but my bedside table is a towering heap of books, old coins, hand cream, alarm clock, jewellery, bedside lamp, coasters... I don't actually see it though!

It can go both ways apparently. But when I was diagnosed with ADHD (I totally have the "can exist in a small hole in the pile of mess" kind of ADHD) I did flag up a screener for OCD for other issues, mainly thought related.

The psychiatrist assessing me said that adults who are not diagnosed with ADHD until later in life often flag up for OCD because the coping mechanisms that we adopt tend to run along OCD type lines because they are trying to compensate for a brain system which is unreliable. It's actually a very common co-occurring diagnosis.

ADHD is very all or nothing. I know that I function much better when there is no clutter and mess around, but conversely I tend to create clutter and mess everywhere I go. I would basically have to go one of two ways to deal with this - either I give up and accept the hit to my functioning because my environment is so cluttered but I am physically unable to keep up with my own crap, which is roughly where I ended up before medication/DH/learning about some ADHD-specific cleaning tips (which essentially boil down to "have much less stuff and have easy systems") OR become absolutely obsessive and compulsive about removing any mess the second I have become aware of it.

This is how the all or nothing aspect of ADHD works with basically everything. It's almost like a very heavy train which is incredibly difficult to get moving but then once it's moving it's incredibly difficult to stop and will keep going in the same direction to an extreme.

Damn girl…that’s my version of neat!

I’m beginning to think my husband might be right in thinking I’m messy!!

I am messy and live with a neat freak dh. I don’t like him feeling uncomfortable so I try and keep things tidy. I found he is soothed if the piles are nicely squared off - so no edges sticking out, and typically big things at the bottom, small on top. I also got a leather box with a lid for bits and bobs - very unobtrusive

Try squaring the pile off and it might not annoy you as much

Could you just get a nice basket or storage box to put it in

Seriously you would do this with someone else's possessions?

This is definitely a you problem.
I'm glad you're not messing with his small pile of stuff on his allocated small surface.

@MessOrNotMess

It's not exactly my "messy" really.

Would it alleviate some of your stress if it was at least in size order and a somewhat "neater" pile?

eta; only just realised @Notafanofheat has already said the exact same thing 🙈

If he doesn’t already have one, I got bought a digital subscription for DC comics a couple of years ago as a birthday gift. Now I read on my tablet in bed and I’ve stopped bringing tatty old comics home every week 🤣

My approach is its his desk/wardrobe its his problem though i would as i go round cleaning probably try to organise it so it atleast looks nice.

It’s because they’re out of size order and not aligned. Just ask him to do that and you’ll immediately feel better and he gets to keep his stuff where handy.:) I very much relate to dealing with chaos in your head by removing physical clutter (and have 2 in the house that exist through their things so it’s a constant challenge).