Is this messy or normal?

For me its the fact that it could be stacked more neatly. If there is a drawer in bedside cabinet, could most of it not be stored there?

I’m the same as the OP. I was extremely untidy and messy when younger but when I had kids I became the opposite. ADHD people tend to go to extremes

What do you mean behave? I am exactly like her ADHD and taught myself after having children to keep things tidy as it keeps my brain tidy and gives me less stress. However I just tidy hubbies things up because it’s easier and quicker. We are all different and need to do what keeps us sane.

I'm late to the party and see you've had a good result OP.
Just wanted to say well done for leaving it, and also does your
DH have a brother? He sounds fab.

Tbh, it would bother me and I'd probably tidy it into a neater pile at least, plus put the messing a drawer. But i hate visual clutter.

As a professional who works with this sort of stuff, I hate it when people throw the "you're probably a bit OCD" around so much. Real clinical OCD is crippling and not just an aversion to visual clutter. It really belittle people's experiences of real OCD.

People with ADHD do well when they have clear systems, so good for you for recognising that.

I have adhd and like you I am very tidy due to how mess can affect my brain. I would have already put this mess in a drawer and out of the way. I wouldn’t be able to cope with it - i realise that I’m not normal though.

Very tidy and organised ADHDer here too, that would drive me absolutely nuts , I would have it all tidied away myself though and wouldn't even ask him- which will inevitably lead to the 'your always putting my stuff where I cant find it' conversation 😂 happens a lot in my house

It's a normal pile of stuff. You shouldn't be moaning about that. Have you thought of seeing a therapist? If that's the level of stuff that upsets you , you may alienate your partner over time.

I totally get this. I'm incredibly punctual (I can be ridiculously hours early for a train or flight) and never ever lose stuff like phone, wallet etc because it is a huge effort of will to compensate for my chaotic ADHD mind and I just can't get complacent about it as it doesn't come naturally. I fear if I let things slide I'd never get back on top of them. Still working on the tidiness thing but I understand completely why you might be this way about it.

This I think is messy. But also, I have more mess than this on my bedside table, so I can't really talk here.

I’m not ADHD but totally related to your post … until I saw the bedside table. That is way way tidier than my husband’s and I would be happy with that. If I showed you a photo of his bedside table, windowsill (his side of the bed) and floordrobe you would totally freak out. Now I think I am the reasonable one and not a neat-freak! That probably doesn’t help you but it has given me a new perspective and some ammunition.

Yes it’s a mess. Also I can’t stand things just shoved on top of other things. There’s no way he’s using all that rubbish every day for it to be in your face, I bet if you sorted it half of it’s for the bin and most of the rest could be put away.

Yes it’s true that is is common for ADHD people to be messy but some go to the opposite extreme. It’s a similar story with punctuality - we don’t have a very good understanding of the passing of time, so most people with ADHD are chronically late but some of us are so worried about being late that we arrive an hour early everywhere.

i suspect your comment about being oblivious to mess is inaccurate. I think most ADHD people with messy homes are deeply frustrated about it . Chris Packham did a TV programme covering this. He did a story about a young man who had moved into his first flat and he was too embarrassed to invite his family over due to the mess. But he just couldn’t tackle it even though he didn’t like his home being like thatS.

It's visual noise, shouting at you for attention.

That's why it bothers you.

I spend a lot of time making myself ignore things like that - it doesn't always work, however, but as long as there isn't something like it everywhere in eyeshot, it's not as distracting.

I’ve read all of your posts OP and just wanted to say you and your DH sound so lovely, and so considerate of each other. And I’m sorry you had a bumpy journey with your previously undiagnosed ADHD.

So it's a set of drawers not a table? Then everything should be in the drawer's, not on top.
Lamp, 1 book, glasses etc are fine. The rest need to be out of sight.
That's just my take on it. 😶‍🌫️

wow, I'd be happy if my OH was that untidy. It's in a pile. My OH can't see the top of his bed side drawers due to the stuff on it.lol.

I think that's not too bad.

Sorry pressed send before I could finish.
I think if it was stacked more neatly it would bother me less. It looks top heavy. I’d be tempted to rearranged it into a more ordered pile but I don’t think it necessarily all needs putting away.

That would be normal/ quite tidy in our house ( on both bedside tables.)
I don't mostly look at DHs side

It’s perfectly normal for me. I have many things on my bedside table - books,
sleepband, calm carry hand thingy, water, hand cream, magnesium balm, hair scrunch, Kirby grips, neom pod, the list goes on and it’s not even a big bedside table - it’s a cabinet thingy.
These are all things I 100% need every night 🤣

It’s cluttered and would bother me a bit, but it’s not an ‘absolute mess’, no.

That was what struck me. Actually, more than that, it kind of freaked me out.

I can't imagine living in a home with surfaces like that unable to be used. It must be like dwelling in an operating theatre.

On my bedside table I always have:
-a lamp for soft lighting,
-at least one novel/short story, and a history/biography to dip into before sleeping. But possibly several of each in, yes, a pile! These are often on the lower shelf.
-usually my phone at night
-often a scented candle or lovely hand and body cream to rub on before bed. I like the Diptique ones, which I also find attractive packaging, but anything both attractively presented and nice quality.
-a small vase of flowers, at this time of year some early spring flowers, but often mixed roses, ideally floppy, old fashioned varieties and they are welcome to drop petals prettily. I change the vase to suit, but always something pretty.
-a couple of small silver trinket boxes to pop any jewellery I have been wearing in, or a note with a short to do list, or some other small thing.
-usually something to do with my dc. At the moment it's a small craft item one made for me. But sometimes it might be a recent photo of them, or a birthday card they gave me or similar.

All this brings me a lot of joy. I just cannot imagine a barren surface in my own intimate space.

I'm wondering, op, if you can try seeing things (and they needn't be clutter) as celebrating various facets of your life, or that of your DH? It might help you in that I get the sense you are almost afraid of them in a kind of puritanical way.

What the actual heck are you talking about? That is not clutter. It’s life. Why have a table if you’re not allowed to put anything on it? Genuinely curious.

The photos are like a love story in three acts 💞

’Filthy’ 😶

However, congratulations to the @MessOrNotMess on her fabulous DP, I don’t mean that snarkily! (Indeed, my late partner was the same. He was beginning to succeed in domesticating me.)