Neighbour just rung doorbell at 2.30am!

Very well explained. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is assert an appropriate boundary.

Have you ever had a neighbour like this? By which I mean someone who doesn't put themselves in other people's shoes and consider whether their wants need to be met immediately and with no consideration to whether they are reasonable or will negatively impact others? I have and it's never a one off.

From her updates OP did have a conversation and was, in fact, very compassionate given she's had a completely disrupted night of sleep.

😂😂😂

I despair

Ringing someone's doorbell at 2:30am over A RUDDY CAT???

People are mad

Noting has to be long about it. A sentence would suffice.

And how controlling to shout at her husband to shut the window and stop talking.

Once i was woken up i would have got the cat just to be clear of her.

I would then have gone round next morning and said if she or a member of her household ever rang my bell after 11pm or before 7am, I’d call the police immediately.

I do love cats but this is not acceptable.

People seem to mean Be Nice when they say Be Kind. Being nice is saying "oh dear, poor you, poor cat, can I help?" at whatever cost to yourself and facilitating unreasonable behaviour. Being kind is setting a firm boundary for her and yourself and saying "this is not an emergency and not appropriate behaviour at this time". The reason it gets blurred is the way in which we say it. So F off sounds aggressive, but it is a firm (and frustrated) no to a ridiculous request.

Unquestioning/any accomodation of daftness like this isn't kindness, especially when she didn't get the message at 2:30 and came back at 5. Saying no and stop is not unkind, but it may not feel or sound nice.

Not sure where in the thread I insulted you 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yep same, and I would have sent her away with her cat, happy for them to be reunited but with a 'now love don't come knocking at my door in the middle of the night again, keep him inside'.
It doesn't have to be send her away and don't help OR be a doormat and do it every single night.

Yep

In a situation like this, yes. I fully agree the op and her dh can’t be woken up on a regular basis by a neighbour for any reason. But a one off occasion followed by a discussion about how/why it can’t happen again is showing a bit of kindness in my opinion.

It’s ok if you don’t agree. That’s the whole point of a discussion.

Ok that’s fine. That’s your opinion and response. My response would be to be irritated and concerned but also sympathetic enough to stick my head out of my back door since I was up and awake anyway. That doesn’t make me mad or sanctimonious. Do you always insult people who have a different opinion to you?

I have had cats all my life. Sometimes one of them goes missing for hours or occasionally days. I have never pestered my neighbours about it at antisocial hours. I wouldn't even be out of bed myself at 2.30am looking for my cat anyway, I'd wait till daylight.

So no, you don't need to 'be kind' about it OP! I would have done the same as you.

I am curious where the line of "kindness" is drawn is all. Considering people are actually calling the OP unkind (which in my mind, is quite an unkind thing to do).

So, it's kind to help someone once, but only once.

Interesting.

The neighbour rang twice more the same night! So the second and third time have happened already.

I think that as your husband was up he might as well have got the cat if possible & then said not to ring the bell again at stupid o'clock.

I really don't believe most people, including all the sanctimonious people on this thread, would be willing to put on a coat and shoes, find a torch, and go out in the garden at 2.30 am, on a cold January night, to look for a perfectly healthy cat displaying normal cat behaviour. That is madness in my book.

And no yanbu, if you agree to help, she'll keep behaving this way.

I voted YABU originally as I assumed the cat must have been an indoor cat that had escaped, or had some sort of health condition. It seemed mean to shut the door without checking.

But after the updates that the cat is a perfectly healthy outdoor cat, I've changed my vote to YANBU! Especially after the 5am knock as well!

Less so because she’s already had a warning and a scare. If she’s that worried and distressed by it all she should keep her cat indoors. Although admittedly cats do tend to find a way or getting out if they really want to.

But you’re talking hypothetically here. The second, third and tenth time haven’t happened yet. I’m talking about the situation that has actually occurred and that op has asked for advice on.

What did she think would happen to the cat even if it was stuck on your garden until the morning?

and I'm sure were desperate to go back to sleep. Especially if they had work first thing.

Fabulous post. And I wish you all the best with your ongoing efforts to self-regulate/take responsibility for your behaviour. I know how hard it can be if you have had trauma. 💐

It isn’t madness. People just have a different opinion to you.

Sure, so what happens when she is distressed about it the next time which lets face it, knowing cats could be the very next night.

Would it be unkind to refuse her help then?

Be kind usually means "I'm worried people won't like me if I have boundaries", so people dress their insecurity up as a virtue. People without this insecurity are quite capable of being kind without enabling inconsiderate behaviour in others.