How were your children affected by your breakup?

I did and my 2 DCs (under 5) have not coped well. He was a stay at home Dad and chose to move several hours away and visit sporadically post-split. I never would have imagined him make a choice like that, and I can see the damage and pain it causes them. They have nightmares, anger, and believe he doesn't love them. Initially I felt much 'lighter', but seeing the pain they are in and juggling so much alone does cancel that out.

Having seen several close friends go through separations in the past couple of years I would say only 1 child appears to have adjusted well, and that is because her parents have been very amicable throughout the split and genuinely put her ahead of any ill feelings they have towards each other. Unfortunately the anger / resentment your ex will have and how they will express that is something that is completely out of your control.

Honestly there at an age where it will worry them and unstable the home but as long as both adults act with grace and dignity do what's best for kids around maintenance and access .then they are young they will adapt and the kids need a permanent home not 50/50 bollocks that's for the adults. Not kids. it's deeply unfair to shuffle between two houses non of them home .

The DD that I believed would find it harder asked “so it’s just going to be you and us Mummy?” and then gave an enormous smile, bigger than any I’d ever seen from her before. I knew in that moment that actually I hadn’t been successfully hiding how rubbish her father was, and the we’d be alright. Years later, we’re still alright. They visited him regularly for years but he never wanted to actually parent and he was never their home or their safety…he was like a vague Uncle I suppose. But home was us, and immediately it was such a different feeling in the house. Calmer, more organised, closer. Some days are hard of course on my own, but they are all easier than with a man who didn’t respect or cherish me as the mother of his children, or them.

I'm watching with interest as am thinking similarly. I've no advice for you but sending solidarity -it feels like a big decision. From my own experience as a child of divorced parents: my life got 'lighter' after my parents separated. It was a huge relief to see my mum blossom and live according to her own values, in her own vibe. My dad, despite being the one who 'drove' the separation, was miserable for quite a long while afterwards, struggling with the drop in standard of living once he adjusted to loss of joint income and shared outgoings.

Someone told me the other day that the way to count our days is down: we should wake up in the morning, aware that after today, there'll be one day less of life. How do we feel moved to spend our remaining days? I know in my heart of hearts that it won't be with DP.

Best of luck, OP.

Empathy and watching due to same position xx