visit a friend * [Content note: concerns stillbirth]

To be honest, it would depend on the friend. My bestest friend, I would feel comfortable and supported. There are some friends that I wouldn’t as to be honest, I wouldn’t trust them to be 100% considerate.

The band aid comment is a little bit of a red flag for me

I'm sure she will be absolutely fine if you try to visit and back out at the last minute, visit for just a few minutes, or delay until later.

I understand what you are saying but at the same time, maybe her friend feels she doesn’t want OP to be “not invited” or feel like her friend is treating her differently. Again, never had a stillbirth which I know is way harder but after my twin miscarriage I felt others treated me differently. My friend had a baby shower and didn’t even invite me out of worry how I’d feel. I’d rather people invite me over gently and say it’s fine if I don’t feel ready then not ask me at all. I know everyone is different.

You don’t sound ready to go so don’t. This is about you, not her and her baby.

First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss.

Everyone is so different.

It took me 3 months to see my friends baby and that was because I had a miscarriage! Let alone a stillbirth (we were due at the same time)

But I also know of woman who can be around other babies shortly after their loss.

I think it’s fine to take time and space before doing these sort of things if you need too.

I just wanted to say as well that anyone that loses patience with you for not visiting their newborn just weeks after having a stillbirth is not a friend… don’t pressure yourself to visit because of this worry x

Sorry, but I don’t like her message. If you were my daughter I’d want you to stay well away from her for now.

It doesn’t matter how ‘nicely’ she said it, it’s the sentiment that’s ‘off’. A good friend who had any modicum of emotional intelligence, empathy or basic human decency would only have your feelings at the forefront of her mind just now and what is best for you. It sounds - maybe not - but it sounds like she’s more focussed on getting you to see her and her baby and getting over yourself than supporting you in your bereavement.

I got a lot of joy from seeing and holding other people’s babies, but my baby died at 13 months old so maybe a bit different. I took strength from seeing them and it helped me to find positives (and strangely there always are). Was your baby full term?

God no OP, don't put yourself through that, there's really no need. Give yourself time.

I’m so sorry your baby died.

You don’t ever have to see her, actually. Perhaps she is scared you won’t ever want to, and that’s the root of her awful band aid comment. Give yourself time, love. Loads of it. 7 weeks is chuff all. And remember, your feelings are valid: act on them, no matter how insensitive friends and family may be. This is your life, and you need so much care and gentleness now and for a good while yet.

I'm sorry for your loss.

She seems to be understanding, so could you perhaps say 'I'd like to see you, but can't cope with too much to start with, so if it is ok with you, I'll just pop by and drop a card/gift off, but won't come in, I'll just spend a couple of minutes chatting on the doorstep' then if you feel ok with that, you could build up to a ten minute visit the next time.

Could you possibly see her without seeing the baby? You could perhaps see some photographs of her child to ease in a little more gently. I can't help but think seeing the baby in person will be upsetting and it's very soon for you.

I was pregnant at the same time as my friend and, while I didn’t go through anything as awful as you (I had a mc at 12 weeks), I couldn’t help feeling a bit resentful and jealous. 7 weeks is a very short amount of time for you, only you can decide when you’re ready. It’s been 15 years now and I still feel sad when I see Facebook posts from my friend saying what her DD is doing now.

Bless you 🙏🏻 It's really very early days.

I'm sure your friend loves you and would hate to know she'd said anything hurtful.

Who among us hasn't struggled to say the right thing when people we care deeply about is experiencing pain of such magnitude? It's so easy to be clumsy. I've got much better at it the older I've got.

7 weeks is no time at all OP. This is a good friend, and so will understand you need more time. Yes, her child will always be the same age as yours, but your grief - while always there - won't always be this sharp, so there is plenty of time to get to know her little one. Be easy on yourself. Give yourself time.

I really do think she is showing an extraordinary lack of empathy.

7 weeks is no time at all, you are grieving deeply and her speaking of 'ripping off a bandaid' is utterly inappropriate and very flippant

I am so sorry for your loss. I would be inclined to say you are not ready for a visit but will be in touch in time.

Agreed... very very insensitive wording on her part.