visit a friend * [Content note: concerns stillbirth]

So sorry for your loss. It's still such early days for you. Be kind to yourself above all else.

My sister and I were pregnant together, due a couple of weeks apart. We were incredibly close and were happy to be expecting at the same time.
Our daughter was born and lived for 8 days and then died.
She had a healthy daughter not long afterwards.

I can't remember how long after her baby was born I went to visit. Life was a blur at the time for me.
It was tough, but my sister was very understanding. She never rushed me. She asked if I wanted to be left alone with my niece, which I did and I just cried and cried.
I love my niece, but her life has been a constant reminder of what I had missed out on. (Despite us going on to have 5 more children)

I would say just take your time. Don't expect too much of yourself.
I hope your friend will understand and just allow you to do whatever feels right for you at the time.

I have no first hand experience of this, so please feel free to ignore me. I would say if she's a good friend will she mind you reacting to however you feel in the moment? Have an exit strategy so you can get away if you need to. Could someone else come with you for backup, and possibly stay with you for a bit when you get home.

So sorry for your loss.

A friend's son was still born a few weeks before my son was born. She didn't want to see me while I was still pregnant, but did come to see me about 3 weeks after I gave birth. She wanted to do it, it all came from her, but she didn't stay long and I have not seen her since. It was too much for her and I had to respect that. Please don't push yourself to be ready - you might never be, there's certainly no rush. Grief has its own timetable.

I am so sorry for your loss. You are grieving the loss of your child, your needs come first, not the wants of your friend. Please look after yourself

It took me a very long time to be able to go near another baby after mine was stillborn OP. Some very thoughtless friends who were due slightly after us actually rang at 3am a few weeks after to say their baby had been born and they'd wanted us to know first.... it was like rubbing salt into the wound. I cried for hours after. When they asked to come and see us, I told DH to tell them I was in no fit state to celebrate their arrival, no matter how pleased I was for them that their baby had been born safe and well.

There is no bandaid to rip, ffs. You are grieving a huge loss and there is no time frame for you to be manage this. What a horrid cruel thing to say. I'm sorry for your loss

Op I’m so sad for you.
I had a full term stillborn baby in traumatic circumstances 12 years ago. I still mourn her and cry about her.
I couldn’t even listen to my in-laws talk about my nephew doing things like playing in tents or whatever for months and I already knew and loved him.
I did go to see a friend with a young baby (at crawling stage) briefly out for lunch and I dealt with that fine but .. that was about 3 months after - 7 weeks I’d no time at all.
Re the eating.. do what you have to do. I went on long walks with my dog and my headphones but I also went and talked to friends in the pub very soon afterwards and cried with them. Everyone is different. You could and probably should look into bereavement counselling- it kept me alive (her death really hit me at 5-6 months) as survival mode was strong in me for months.
All the biggest hugs to you

I hope she's a really good and understanding friend. Go, but warn your friend you don't know how you'll react. You may burst into floods of tears, you may obsessively cuddle her baby, you may just have to leave if you can't cope. Sorry, OP, but babies are everywhere, at least this way encountering one is within your control. Sending you so much love ❤️

Hi Op, firstly I'm sorry about your baby. I had a stillbirth and neonatal death 2 years ago. My baby boys were twins. It's shattering

I remember visiting a relative who had a baby 6 weeks after my sons died. I did cry but they understood. They were just as nervous as me. You dont have to go as well. I went to far too many baby related things after my twins and I wish I had been kinder to myself. It's the worst thing a parent can go through and sometimes the grief is so strong, you dont realise it

I hope you are getting the right support. 2 years on the grief is still heavy so you need to take care of yourself. It's s very tough road that is life long. Feel free to ask any questions or reach out.

I think a lot of this depends on just how close you are. If you are super close she will support you if you cry and sob, and not feel offended etc. If you’re not close enough to her to be able to express such raw emotions then you’re probably not ready.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am glad you posted on here and have been able to explore your feelings and that you have decided not to go.

Dealing with profound grief is not remotely akin to ripping off a band aid. She might have said it kindly, but that does not make it a kind thing to have said!

My darling daughter died totally unexpectedly 3 months ago (aged 24). I am in the depths of grief and no way am I ready to be paying house calls, visiting people. I would take great exception to anyone who suggested I should rip off the band aid and start going out. However kindly they said it. Losing one’s child is the worst thing that can happen to anyone. Truly, you do not have to do anything at all.

I send you my hope that you will find peace.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I had a very similar experience when my son was stillborn and our best friends had their child just weeks later.

We went to see them when they got back from hospital and we knew no one else was coming to visit. In hindsight, I think i rushed back to "normal" far too quickly and they would have understood if it was too painful to go at that time.

Please be gentle with yourself. It's an indescribable pain and you've got every right to take time away for yourself.

@rosepedal I am so so sorry for your loss.

I don’t think I’d even left the house within 7 weeks of my loss. It’s still so early.

Don’t feel any pressure to work to anyone else’s timeline. Prioritise yourself and your feelings. You don’t have to show anyone that you feel any certain way.

Grief is not a linear journey. There will be ‘progress’ and then maybe back to square one.

Look after yourself, and don’t put yourself under any extra strain by feeling like you should be ready for anything if you’re not.

Only you know how it feels… At first, I was absolutely fine talking about colleagues who were about to/ had also just given birth.
Not sure what changed for me, but after a few months I felt as the first poster - couldn’t stand being around them. It was a proper flight/ freeze response. That year at work so many people had babies and it was a family- friendly place so they kept coming in - felt like torture…

Id say go but be prepared to need to leave quickly/ have a cry.

I’m sorry about your baby.

You just need to do what is right for you. For some stupid reason I met up with what would have been my NCT group after my baby died neonatally and I went to their babies’ christenings. I can only assume I was still so numb and not really functioning properly that I wasn’t thinking straight. However, it did mean that by the time I started to ease slightly out of the fog of grief that I’d already been through most of the firsts and the rest of them I have always managed to avoid since.

How we grieve is very individual and there isn’t a right or wrong. Just remember that for years (probably forever) certain things will take you back to this and it will be upsetting eg walking into a shop and the song from the drive to hospital or the funeral being on the radio.

I think I posted on your other thread. It is completely and utterly not only fine but understandable if you don’t feel ready yet. A good friend will be there when you are ready and will understand why.

If you do feel like you would like to see her though would something like a walk work? It’s less baby focused and they’ll be less visible. You’re a bit more in control of whether or not you interact with the baby too or just chat to your friend about something else. There’s also a high chance that baby might be asleep so you wouldn’t hear them, I know crying is really triggering for me at the moment so I would find this helpful.

Sending you a hug.

We are all different and deal with such a loss in a very personal way. Losing my baby changed me in so many ways and it took me a long long time to come to terms with. But I did and I have always found strength in my other children (born after her) and talked about daily. A baby lost at birth is no different, there are always things to remember and celebrate about them.
Maybe this friend isn’t the best friend to understand and I agree with others posters that she hasn’t worded it terribly well. But, I would advise not to avoid babies.
I was pregnant again within 3 months of losing her and it was the best thing I ever did xxxxx