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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Old and invisible.

144 replies

NovemberMorn · 28/01/2026 12:57

It is a fact of life, once you get past a certain age, you become less noticable.
Once you get past the middle age and get into the definitely OLD age, peoples attitudes change again.

YANBU.
I accept that and welcome it? No more being gawped at by men and looked at as a threat by other women.

YABU.

I love the attention and advantages that being young and attractive brings. I dread the ageing process and how it will change others opinions of me.

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 28/01/2026 20:00

Taweofterror · 28/01/2026 13:12

Invisible to who though?

I'm not hit on by men any more now I'm middle aged, which is obviously just fine. I don't feel 'invisible' though as attention from men is such a tiny part of my visibility as a human being.

I feel seen/visible by all the people that matter in all the circumstances that matter i.e. at work, in my hobbies, with my friends and family

This. I'm 70 and don't feel invisible but I wasn't thinking about being hit on by men just noticed by people generally. I'm fine with it.

ChurchWindows · 28/01/2026 19:59

billiongulls · 28/01/2026 19:41

It is not true, it is completely made up bollocks.

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I'm getting the horrible feeling that this whole thread is set up to be misogynist bollocks.

ChurchWindows · 28/01/2026 19:56

@NovemberMorn "So far though, a third of women on this thread do feel more unnoticed as they get old/er."

Where are you getting your third from please.

If it's the YABU vote then those people didn't say they feel more unnoticed. They agreed with "I love the attention and advantages that being young and attractive brings. I dread the ageing process and how it will change others opinions of me." which sort of suggests they are younger people.

NeedAnyHelpWithThatPaperBag · 28/01/2026 19:50

@NovemberMorn "So far though, a third of women on this thread do feel more unnoticed as they get old/er."

So what, though? Supposed "invisibility" also comes with a sense of freedom and unrestriction.

muddyford · 28/01/2026 19:47

I don't feel invisible at 63. People of both sexes and a range of ages smile, speak or even stop to chat. Last time I was in M&S I got off the escalator and got a courtly bow from a man at least a decade younger. I thought he was going to kiss my hand. I was in my usual jeans, fleece, sensible shoes. I must look friendly and cheerful.

BlueJuniper94 · 28/01/2026 19:42

ImSweetEnough · 28/01/2026 14:47

What a stupid post. You state this as fact when it isn't.

If everyone over 50 was 'invisible', I would knock into many people on my walk into and from work for a start! 😂

Oh come on

billiongulls · 28/01/2026 19:41

NovemberMorn · 28/01/2026 18:26

Well, I was generalising.😀

However, I know many women are unnerved by youth and beauty. In the workplace and in social situations.
You may hate it...but it's true.

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It is not true, it is completely made up bollocks.

billiongulls · 28/01/2026 19:40

I'm 61. I don't feel remotely invisible.

ChurchWindows · 28/01/2026 19:37

NovemberMorn · 28/01/2026 18:26

Well, I was generalising.😀

However, I know many women are unnerved by youth and beauty. In the workplace and in social situations.
You may hate it...but it's true.

Show quote history

I've not seen this amongst my workmates or friends. We must either not care or be very confident in our own skin.

Original poster
NovemberMorn · 28/01/2026 19:36

NeedAnyHelpWithThatPaperBag · 28/01/2026 19:27

@NovemberMorn But at heart, it's the circle of life and as it should be. This whole period of "solutions" to aging being available (for a price) is probably spreading more unhappiness than happiness I'd hazard a guess.

And perhaps since the internet and social media took off it's become more obvious.
I really don't remember my mum and older relatives, who generally looked far older than todays counterparts, being bothered about ageing and invisibility.
People were not so self obsessed, they just got on with things more.

So far though, a third of women on this thread do feel more unnoticed as they get old/er.

OP posts:
NeedAnyHelpWithThatPaperBag · 28/01/2026 19:27

@NovemberMorn But at heart, it's the circle of life and as it should be. This whole period of "solutions" to aging being available (for a price) is probably spreading more unhappiness than happiness I'd hazard a guess.

Original poster
NovemberMorn · 28/01/2026 19:06

MayaPinion · 28/01/2026 18:48

When I was 14 a man walked straight up to me in the middle of the city centre and used both hands to vigorously rub my breasts in the manner of Aladdin summoning two genies. At 17 I got my first job where on my first day my manager told me he was the ‘sexual harassment officer’ and if I wasn’t getting enough sexual harassment I should come to him. At 19 I was (literally) working as a waitress in a cocktail bar where I’d get groped pretty much every night by men old enough to be my dad, and who thought that a generous tip gave them the right to follow me into the staff toilets to sexually assault me. I wasn’t even out of my teens and I was never dressed immodestly. My 20s are littered with similar stories. I’m in my 50s now and I love the anonymity. I love that nobody treats me like a piece of meat, or thinks they are entitled to any bit of me. I look good I like to think, but I don’t look like wank fodder anymore, and that’s a great freedom to have.

I worked in nightclubs from the age of 18 to 25. I was NEVER touched or groped once, so you were incredibly unlucky, or working in places that didn't look after their female staff.

I am so sorry you had to suffer that.

OP posts:
Original poster
NovemberMorn · 28/01/2026 19:02

NeedAnyHelpWithThatPaperBag · 28/01/2026 18:56

You're not invisible to the people that really matter.

Well I agree 100%.
But I have been around long enough to know that that is the way many older people feel....and it is usually women, at least ime.
I do think if you are surrounded by loving family it won't affect or bother you, and if you are still employed and respected in your job it won't apply either.

But I have heard countless women state they do feel invisible when they get past a certain age, and enough have commented on this thread who confirm that indeed, for some, that is the case.

OP posts:
NeedAnyHelpWithThatPaperBag · 28/01/2026 18:56

You're not invisible to the people that really matter.

Disturbia81 · 28/01/2026 18:51

lowj · 28/01/2026 18:44

This! Think you’ve summed it up perfectly - as we get older, it’s being visible and present to those we care about that counts - I am currently freeing myself from worrying about what the wider ‘other’ think or see

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I’ve observed though even with the wider community that older people are definitely not invisible, they all talk to each other and more engaged with the area etc

MayaPinion · 28/01/2026 18:48

When I was 14 a man walked straight up to me in the middle of the city centre and used both hands to vigorously rub my breasts in the manner of Aladdin summoning two genies. At 17 I got my first job where on my first day my manager told me he was the ‘sexual harassment officer’ and if I wasn’t getting enough sexual harassment I should come to him. At 19 I was (literally) working as a waitress in a cocktail bar where I’d get groped pretty much every night by men old enough to be my dad, and who thought that a generous tip gave them the right to follow me into the staff toilets to sexually assault me. I wasn’t even out of my teens and I was never dressed immodestly. My 20s are littered with similar stories. I’m in my 50s now and I love the anonymity. I love that nobody treats me like a piece of meat, or thinks they are entitled to any bit of me. I look good I like to think, but I don’t look like wank fodder anymore, and that’s a great freedom to have.

TheAmusedQuail · 28/01/2026 18:47

Being in danger from pervy blokes unable to control their hormones and their disgusting lust. Why would anyone want that?

Must better to be invisible. Go about your life without hassle or some sleaze gawping at your chest.

lowj · 28/01/2026 18:44

Taweofterror · 28/01/2026 13:12

Invisible to who though?

I'm not hit on by men any more now I'm middle aged, which is obviously just fine. I don't feel 'invisible' though as attention from men is such a tiny part of my visibility as a human being.

I feel seen/visible by all the people that matter in all the circumstances that matter i.e. at work, in my hobbies, with my friends and family

This! Think you’ve summed it up perfectly - as we get older, it’s being visible and present to those we care about that counts - I am currently freeing myself from worrying about what the wider ‘other’ think or see

TorridAntelope · 28/01/2026 18:36

Also, I have always had friends of all ages and I never thought older people were "other" somehow when I was young. Id like to think younger people will want to be friends with me when I'm old!

Original poster
NovemberMorn · 28/01/2026 18:36

Miranda65 · 28/01/2026 17:28

Oh come on, OP, it's great. You can just do what you like and not be bothered by anyone. Invisibility rules (who said that? 😂).

I love it too, and have said so....and I am probably older than most on here. 😏

OP posts:
TorridAntelope · 28/01/2026 18:32

I've never been "visible" as far as I can tell what does this mean? I'm not "one or the lads" or anything but I've always had to earn my place in a situation by being useful or interesting. The idea of getting attention or privilege for my appearance is pretty alien.

I hope... Seriously I can't imagine what sort of horrible things it might entail.

Original poster
NovemberMorn · 28/01/2026 18:31

ChurchWindows · 28/01/2026 16:28

Nobody ever starts a thread that asks how men feel about getting invisible as they age. Surely they do? Or are there lots of women out their cricking their necks to ogle the blokes with paunches, comb overs and stained anoraks smoking outside BetFred or drinking in the Wetherspoons garden at 10am?

😆

I can tell you how my husband feels, he couldn't care less.
He definitely gets treated different now he has aged when he is driving, even I have noticed that.
He drove for a living and now retired is still a good driver. But sometimes younger drivers see his silver hair, and speed past, even cut him up.
The joke is he is a far better driver than they will ever be.

OP posts:
Catarinabella · 28/01/2026 18:30

I love how my grandchildren regard and interact with me. The best

Original poster
NovemberMorn · 28/01/2026 18:26

ChurchWindows · 28/01/2026 16:24

How I hate this bit in your original YANBU "and looked at as a threat by other women".

Well, I was generalising.😀

However, I know many women are unnerved by youth and beauty. In the workplace and in social situations.
You may hate it...but it's true.

OP posts:
Ecrire · 28/01/2026 18:26

I’m 41 and I feel fantastically noticed owing to my work and achievements at work, as a really valued mentor by junior women colleagues, adored by family, cousins and kids, and find myself grateful every day.

What am I missing? Who else is supposed to notice my what? What could possibly be more valuable and noteworthy than the above?