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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can this ever work out or is this ND loser going to be single forever?

56 replies

HateBeingInsideMyHead · 28/01/2026 09:30

I'm autistic and strongly suspect I also have ADHD. Undiagnosed until aged 35 - 40 now and VERY good at masking (most of the time nobody would have any clue). Never had any positive relationship role models growing up - significant childhood trauma. Had one long relationship in my 20s which was violent and abusive and led to me having a breakdown and having to rebuild my life. Short-term/non-serious after that until five years ago - he cheated on me repeatedly - never let anybody in since then.

Have recently reconnected with someone I knew at school. Things were going well I think but he's absolutely too intense - constantly messaging and wanting to see me and feels put out when I say no. A lot of the time is because I need A LOT of decompression time - fast-paced busy job with multiple meetings and long long working hours which leaves me burnt out a lot of the time. Most nights I just want to make food, meditate, and sleep. He can't seem to understand that and think if I'm 'free' I should want to spend time with him.

I committed to plans with him Thursday night (overnight from about 7pm), Friday day time 10-4 and Saturday night (again overnight from 6pm). To me this is a BIG DEAL and I can't remember the last time I spent this much time with someone (although I lived with my abusive ex he was in the military at the other end of the country). But to him it's not enough and he's still complaining!

Am I being unreasonable or should he be more understanding? I've tried and tried and tried to explain to him what it's like for me but he doesn't get it. Any resources I could signpost him too? We're also have difficulties with my incredibly blunt communication style and hatred of speaking on the phone, which alongside the space thing has bubbled up and ended up in an argument. I do actually like him though but I can't carry on like this!

(To add: I also have dysthymia and anxiety and am coming out of a period of significant depression. He knows all this and I've suggested I might not be in the right headspace for a relationship but he says he wants to support me regardless)

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 28/01/2026 09:51

I'd be very careful @HateBeingInsideMyHead , you've been in an abusive relationship before and you could be getting into another. He's ignoring your comfort and pushing for more than you want to give. Agree to one meeting, not three days, you don't owe him anything. This isn't about ASD, it's about him wanting his own way

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/01/2026 09:47

YANBU

I’m surprised at some of these responses saying “oh it’s just a question of giving him reading material” or “he’s not unreasonable to ask”.

To me it sounds like he’s putting pressure on you to do something he knows you’re not comfortable with, and that’s a massive red flag. He doesn’t need “reading material” to know that if someone says “I need decompressing time/ time to myself”
that means that it’s something you need, and he shouldn’t pressure you for more.

Yes, he is free to end the relationship if it’s not what he wants, but pressurising someone to compromise a reasonable boundary is never OK, and is a huge red flag.

I think the amount of time you’ve committed to him over that Thursday to Saturday period sounds like objectively a lot, never mind to an autistic person!

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 28/01/2026 09:42

I don’t think it’s a case of unreasonable or not, so I haven’t voted. But just wanted to say I totally get you. I’m undiagnosed but suspect AuDHD too, and I’m fairly sure my recent ex was autistic (his son and ex both are), as are two of my DCs! It can be a tricky balance when your needs just don’t feel compatible. It sounds a lot like you’re giving as much time and energy as you physically and mentally can, but it still isn’t enough. That can’t really be overcome and I’ve had to end my relationship for much the same reason. You can’t compromise from what is already a compromise.

My ex wanted a live-in relationship and marriage. He insisted we could spend less time intensely together in that case as we’d just be around for each other so that was certainly a consideration, but I’m not ready to move in yet and in the meantime the arguments about me not prioritising him were breaking us. I feel like I give so much but the guilt if ever I want an evening with my friends, DCs or just on my own was crushing me. I’d be happy with 2-3 nights a week, but we were visiting each other every evening and most of the weekend when he didn’t have his son and it was exhausting us both tbh. Then he’d say I just wanted an immature non-serious relationship with someone who didn’t care about me and just “went down the boozer” every night, as if those are my only options. I’m sure there’s a middle ground where it isn’t super intense and overwhelming but he isn’t a Sun reading parody of a man.

I’ve decided to take time to be alone for a while, I’m not looking for a partner anymore and will fill my life on my own schedule. If anyone comes along who’s ok with that then I’m open but I am perfectly happy being single for the foreseeable, and not having to worry about someone else’s feelings the whole time.

I’ve raised my children and this is my time now, but if you’re looking to start a family with someone I know the pressure is a little heavier. Is that something you want at the moment?

rebeccachoc · 28/01/2026 09:41

I do think it's a case of him being shown some educational material that's is a general trait with us autistic people that we need to switch off and recharge more than most. It is literally like you have a social battery as well as energy battery inside and you just can't do anything polite, or social when it is depleted.

He needs to understand it is the same with every person, that you need time to unwind; family, friends etc not just him. And just reassure him that you are excited to see him as I know it's hard to show that sometimes, but you just slowly need to get used to be in a relationship again and find a rhythm together that works for both of you.

JacquesHarlow · 28/01/2026 09:40

Most nights I just want to make food, meditate, and sleep.

That's your prerogative. However he's also got the right to ask to see you. If you're not compatible that's fine, move on.

He can't seem to understand that and think if I'm 'free' I should want to spend time with him.

I do agree that the time you've offered him is a lot by anyone's standards and it's ok to have boundaries. He should really respect that if he wants to be with YOU and the real you.

Overthebow · 28/01/2026 09:36

I don’t think YABU to find that too much but also he isnt BU to want more. It just sounds like you’re incompatible as to what you want from a relationship. I said this on the thread about ASD and intimacy earlier but I do think you have to decide what you want in life and if it a to be in a relationship then you might have to learn to tolerate more. I have ASD and ADHD and am similar to you but I really wanted the relationship and DCs and so I do mask a lot at home, which I know isn’t the healthiest but there’s some things I tolerate for my DH as he is important to me.