To ask new partner to move in to help with our baby?

Your DP and his son should definitely be having more "sleepovers" whilst you recovdr from surgery.

The key is to keep communicating with each other and the kids and be guided by how everyone is feeling and what everyone needs. Take it day by day.

Why on earth aren't you telling him this OP? He needs to be putting more effort in, in fact it's a bit of a red flag that he hasn't taken it upon himself to do more. You've had major surgery, and have just given birth to his child. I've had 2 sections and the 1st couple of weeks are brutal in terms of being limited in what you can do.

Noone was monitoring how many I changed either, I could have left the baby with a nanny and gone to Lanzarote.

Even if that was the case, they obviously weren’t monitoring how many nappies he was changing whilst on leave

I think you’ve both handled this extremely poorly. You’ve not considered the impact your choices are having on the 3 older children.

having said that, you sound like a caring, nurturing and considerate mum. You’re speaking about his DC with lots of compassion and understanding. If I were you, I’d ask him to suggest to his DS that they have a little holiday at yours so you can all get to know the baby better.

then, when you’re stronger, he goes back to staying at his. You and he can build time you spend together as a blended family gradually and at a pace which prioritises the older 3.

I speak as a child whose widowed parent shacked up with a new partner incredibly quickly. It destroyed my close and trusting relationship with my parent.

but you also have the right to support from your DP and your baby needs to bond with his dad.

He’s likely out collecting her dc right now!

Can she afford to though? If she gets benefits then she would lose all them if he moves in. . And no guarantee he can afford to pay for her kids as well as his own. She doesn't say anything about a job, she may not work as looking after the eldest child

My husband required it for his HR dept both times

Is he there now op?

My friend works in a tech company and gets 6 months full pay paternity. 12 months is incredible!

I think you also need to prioritise your autistic son and moving someone in just after a baby arriving is a lot of upheaval and routine changes.

Different companies have different policies. It’s not a statutory right but could be an enhanced benefit. Admittedly it seems unlikely but some employers treat their employees very well.

He should be there as much as humanly possible right now. Especially being on paternity leave for that purpose.

She has repeatedly said he's there all day... from morning to bedtime

Sorry to be harsh, but if he's on paternity leave but not using that time to support you and bond with the baby, without you having to chase him, he sounds useless and uncaring.

I'm on the fence about moving in, I imagine that decision depends a lot on the needs of both your elder dc, but I see absolutely no excuse for him not being there all day during the daytime. You've just had major surgery! Why on earth does he think you're the main parent and he can skip about popping in when it suits him?

I wouldn't necessarily agree with him moving in permanently. I think that's a big upheaval on all the other children (baby know no different). New sibling is a big change... moving in together ontop of that would be huge. I would stick to the plan of finding somewhere bigger in 2027 or even later this year.

Great that he's there every day and helping out with your kids, but I do think his son deserves to sleep in his own bed / house sometimes. Perhaps they could stay at yours at the weekend when he's not getting up for school the next day and treat it like a normal sleepover.

I would suggest that your DP needs to allow you to rest / nap throughout the day, he needs to be doing all the meal prep. Fine for him to leave early to take his son to swimming, but equally fine if the child misses one session!

If he needs to go out, he should have dinner already prepped or order a takeout! You'll be having a bit more pain the more you do and you are clearly doing a the nightshifts which are gruelling especially with a C Section.

Absolutely he should be doing more. The fact that none of this has been discussed between them shows the lack of maturity in the relationship and is another example of their poor decision making.

I think you posted about this when you'd just found out you were pregnant, back in July.
Very slightly different circumstances.
Apologies if you're a different poster

Anyway. I've had four caesarean sections and I needed lots of help in the early postnatal period. Most women do. It's major surgery, after all. I'd ask the baby's father to move in for another fortnight at least.

There’s absolutely no reason why he shouldn’t be doing more overnights- even just for the remainder of paternity leave. The kids are obviously used to being under one roof overnight. The situation can then be assessed when the children are more settled into having a new sibling.

Sounds very familiar that you got preg within a few weeks and he’s widowed

you haven’t ever posted ever anything about This relationship / pregnancy ?

sure I’ve read something very similar maybe just before Xmas

but either way / yes its very quick. You got preg within a few weeks of getting together - did you discuss what would happen in the future ? Moving in together or living alone in the long run.

but yes while you are recovering from a cs it would be nice if he could stay

you have to take both older kids into consideration when planning whether to live together and blended families

What about the other children, especially the child who is autistic and struggles with change? Blending families should be a gradual change, not hazardly put together because of the poor decision making of adults. They've not even been together a year!

Yes he should. Is he planning on keeping two family homes forever, it’s a bit late to be worrying about uprooting his DS.

No I don't think you should ask him to move in just to help. There are three (?) other children to consider, so moving in together would need to be something that is in their best interests too. If you both thought it was, you'd have done it already?