To ask new partner to move in to help with our baby?

It seems really silly to be living in separate houses if you’re in a relationship, have just had a baby together and your children all get on well 🤷‍♀️ You will be in each others lives for a very long time if you are both committed to being present parents (which I assume you are from what you’ve said) and if you are planning to stay together, you will be a big presence in the lives of each others children for a very long time too. I think moving in together now will be less confusing and complicated for everyone!!

Totally agree.

Stay with you for a few weeks till you're more physically recovered - yes.

Recruiting some additional sources of help - relatives / school mum friends etc = good.

Move in long term. Not now - that's not a decision to make in a crisis and this is an immediate crisis. In 6 - 8 weeks time when you're physically better some of the urgency will have gone (though yes, tiny babies need exhausting levels of care).

Yes I would ask him to stay for a couple of nights and see how you get on.

My initial reaction was that he should have stayed for the first 2 weeks at least but realistically you don’t know each other that well, he also has 1/2 dead wives and lost a child and uses his mum for childcare - he may be a wonderful man but I struggle to believe anyone would not be a bit messed up after going through what he’s been through and I would be very careful to not have him and his child move in FT too soon.

You would find it very difficult to get him to leave if things didn’t work out.

He should be staying for at least two weeks paternity leave - but that should have been planning and explained to his kids too this is a time of big change. Or else he should pay for a maternity nurse for you. It’s too much for you post c section. Get some help in

And pat leave is definitely also IMO there for men to look after older children so the mum can focus on the baby. It's just more complicated here because his older child isn't hers.

His older child, the last time a baby sibling arrived in his family, the baby and his mother died. He was 2 but that will absolutely have had a huge impact on him in ways he won't be able to articulate or understand. He needs to retain some focus from his dad and his mum's family to help him through it. Blending super fast isn't a wise choice here

The suggestion to get him to prepare meal that didn’t need put in the oven if that’s a struggle on the day he has to leave to take dc swimming is a good one although next week by the next lesson you’ll probably find a huge improvement in mobility. People’s reading comprehension on this post has been shocking. It’s like they just read the title then wade in with their opinion and then ask questions that were answered in the actual OP. Why on earth are people still banging on about paternity leave eligibility. He left in the afternoon on one day!! 🙈

Depends what’s in the contract.
Perhaps they need to stipulate that you actually need to physically be with the child you’re claiming paternity leave for. Although that seems like an legal nightmare

In the UK, they have to keep you in for 24h but after that you can be discharged provided you’ve met the criteria and are well enough. It is of course a major surgery but the recovery is straightforward in most cases and you are encouraged to move (gently of course).

I don’t think you should rush to move in together permanently right now if that didn’t feel like the right timing before. That’s a recipe for something going wrong and future resentment.

I think asking him to stay over more or even to move in temporarily for a few weeks is a good idea. I liked the other posters idea of describing it to the kids as a bit of a “holiday” to help out after your surgery and get to know the new baby better.

You all get a sense of what living together would be like before making any long term decisions. If it goes well you could have a conversation about moving in together properly sooner than originally planned. But everyone - including the older DC- gets time to think about it and have their say in it.

Time for an open conversation and good communication. The foundation of any successful long term relationship.

As a carer she will still most likely receive carers allowance even if other benefits stop, but the reality is finances get blurred when you half-merge households and no one is going to be able to afford anything as long as they are running two separate households. When he acts as stepdad already I assume he doesn’t bill her for taking her son places, and is she not claiming CMS for the new baby now then? At the end of the day she’s struggling and needs help so there’s more to it than money alone. They move in together permanently or temporarily, but even if only temporarily if they aren’t seeing this becoming permanent in the near future then what are they doing still being a couple other than causing mass confusion for the children?
You don’t get the luxury of casually “dating” when you already have a child together, especially when existing children have already got attached. And I’m not saying this in a judgy way at all. I got pregnant when my now husband and I had only been together a few months. We didn’t have children from previous relationships already so it was more straight forward, but I do get the “non-traditional” trajectory it throws you in. A stable family unit is the best scenario, a stable co-parenting relationship if that doesn’t work, but the common theme is stability. Half in, half out, everyone too polite to just voice their needs isn’t doing anyone any good.

He definitely should sleep at yours for the first few weeks while you recover!

😂😂 mine never slept. I mainly fantasized about going to the local premier inn overnight... 😂

It's wild to me that you didn't have a conversation about what would need to be the set up if you had a C section or needed to stay in hospital a while or anything.

It's also great that his family and his former wife's family sound great and grounded and supportive.

I think this is something you need to talk with him about not us! haha! Like, just be really clear that you've just had MAJOR SURGERY and you need some extra help at the moment.

I understand why you haven't wanted to go the whole hog and move in together already but with the new baby that's kind of already going to be discombobulating for all of the children. And you. And your partner. And the baby.

Could he move in temporarily for like 6 weeks? Partly as a trial but mostly to be a practical help to you while you heal and help with the care of a newborn.

I disagree. Under GDPR and DP law an employer must show they have a lawful basis under Article 6 (a legal obligation or legitimate interest would suffice) and the MATB1 is medical evidence of the pregnancy and expected week of birth. However, if the mother declines, the other parent’s employer should accept an alternative such as a birth certificate although that means the father may not be able to start their paternity leave until after the baby has been registered.

And the Company would be well within their rights to deny paternity leave then too

It may well be for some companies, but it’s actually a massive data breach according to my employment lawyer Friend and you would be well within your rights to refuse.

I definitely thought about it a few times

I've also been asked to provide my MatB1 form to my husband's HR departments both times for paternity leave and that was with 2 different employers. Seems standard practice.

I’ve had three sections and it’s tough going and painful. For those first few weeks I just pottered about and sat under a baby breastfeeding him. I relied on husband to cook all the meals and look after the other children and the house etc.
I wouldn’t feel bad about saying you need him to stay with you for a few weeks until you’re feeling that you’ve recovered a little. He made this baby with you so he needs to step up. You’ve had major surgery.
you can decide further down the line what the future holds in terms of whether you officially move in together and become a blended family or not.

God sake op, just tell them both to move in. You sound like a strong family unit so just bite the bullet.

My god, really? Thats the stupidest thing ive read on here today and theres some absolute belters today!!

For the 1st few weeks you need to be doing as little as possible. You will heal so much better. I had 2 sections you don't want to rupture or get infected.

Can he move in for the next 4/6 weeks?

I do get that you are taking to make sure it is OK for his son who has been through a lot with the death of his mother so young. But your sons have been through a lot too. Their father has abandoned them. And now (100x understandably) you are unable to fully meet their needs. You are recovering from a huge surgery. And getting used to your new born.

Congratulations on the baby as well!