This annoying grandma!

Bizarre inconsistency for sure! No wonder this is still going on when you're hiding inside rather than be an adult and deal with this, you're instead ignoring phone messages and sending your child out to give messages to the grandmother and granddaughter. No surprise either that your daughter 'explodes' and is angry when you're this wishy-washy and inconsistent. Set out some clear rules with your DD and decide what contact you want with the neighbours and then clearly tell them.
What boundaries is the grandmother not respecting as you don't seem to have set any!

Block the number, ignore the knock on the door.

I remember your last post too, so why didn't you follow anyone else's advice from then?!
You really need to grow a backbone, because you're still confusing the whole issue with your bizarre inconsistency!

You need to persist against the grandmas persistence.

Reply to her yourself - dont send your dd with a message.
As your dd does want to be friends with the other girl I would arrange something specific with boundaries eg dds friend is welcome to come and play every Friday afternoon from 4-6pm. And thats it. No wriggle room for extra.

"Hi grandma, we're going to have to take a break from the playdates for a while because you're not respecting my boundaries and it's becoming very disruptive. We can possibly revisit it over the summer but for now it's going to be a no to any requests."

Where is the mum?

Can you speak to her at school? I’d be mortified if my mum was encouraging and engaging in pestering other people.

She speaks rudely to her grandmother and they watch YouTube?
Im sure OP could say no screens to grandma.

I'm guessing the grandma is proving childcare so her DIL or DD can work. I'm willing to bet that the child care offer is wearing thin and the grandma has found she is suddenly providing more childcare than she thought she was going to be doing originally. As she wants your daughter over to play it's likely that the granddaughter wants lots of attention/ playing with or wanting to play chasing/ tag/ hide and seek/ role play and pretend games which are mind numbing for adults and tiring.

If your daughter goes round to play then grandma is not stuck playing chase/ tag/ pretend/ hide and seek for hours on end, instead the granddaughter will play those games with your daughter.

My own eldest DD went through a stage where all she wanted to do was play pretend or chasing games or hiding games and they went on and on and on. I am guilty of arranging a play date with my daughter's friends just so I don't have to play barbies, followed by hide and seek, followed by cafes, followed by tag when I really need to clean the kitchen.

If I had to keep saying no I would tell them all (grandma, other child and your child) the answer is always no and that you are fed up of this causing disruptions.

She literally says her reasons in the OP.

Back in the day, kids knocked on folks’ doors to ask if someone could play and were told yes or no. They didn’t have to text in advance. Why do they need to ask in advance? Just say yes or no as suits. And based on what you say, I can’t actually see too much issue with saying yes more regularly.

Start some juicy rumours about your swinging activities with older women. That should put her off

What exactly are you going to do now @Heboughtsomanygrapes, what steps are you going to take to put a stop to all of this?

I don’t understand the issue if your DD wants to go and play. Isn’t that what childhood is all about? I loved going to my friends after school!

OP - did you ignore all of the advice you've already been given on your previous posts?

@Heboughtsomanygrapes if you genuinely want this to stop are you willing to take the girl back if she lands at your door or over fence? Just deliver her straight back without letting her in.

If DD lets her in immediately remove her and take her back to her Grandmothers.
If she reappears after being taken back repeat the process.
This may sound harsh to you as you sound lovely, but unless you are willing to take action your threads on this topic will be ongoing.

I agree with all of this. I’ve read your other threads and I think the only way you’ll stamp this out is to stop your daughter playing with the other girl full stop. Encourage other friendships. By sometimes saying yes, sometimes saying no, sometimes being firm, sometimes giving in, you’re confusing things.

Also just found your last thread where you said the grandma lifted the girl over the fence into your garden and the girl looked through your patio window and you were basically sat in your pjs. Looks like this has been going on for a few years.

You said the grandma does have your number, just doesn’t use it. In which case can you message the girls parents and ask them to put a stop to it? Say you don’t want the girl being lifted into your garden, you don’t want her shouting over the fence or being dropped off at your front door unannounced.

You’re going to have to be tough, or put up with it and stop asking for advice on here every year for the same problem.

OP, I’d send a blunt message to the grandmother saying that you don’t want your DD going to her house because you have different rules and boundaries from her. Then block and delete. If she comes round to your house, don’t answer the door. Above all, don’t let your DD answer the door. You are acting as though you have no agency in all this - you do. You are not obliged to let your DD go round to her house, and there is nothing to say you have to look after her DGD just because she has dropped her off at your house - I take it she does actually ascertain that you are home? If you don’t want her, don’t have her, and make it clear that you have other things to do, but if this grandmother has the skin of a rhino and is riding roughshod over you, then you are going to have to toughen up.

Have you spoken to the grandmother herself? Honestly this is ridiculous for her to allow the child to have so few boundaries. I am a bit of a blunt one ubt I would have to pull the gran aside and say listen we have things to do and I need your grandaughter to stop coming to my home or roaring for my dd, if she is free to play she will knock to your house for her. I hate people like this its so rude and entitled but unless you are blunt about it it will continue to happen.

I think I remember your original thread, you must have had a load of advice already. You say the grandma is “still not respecting boundaries” - what exactly have you done since your last post to put a stop to it?

You can’t really control what the grandma does, assume she isn’t going to change, so you have to put the changes in place. Make a decision on if you are willing to let the girls be friends or not.

How old are the girls?

You’ve said you hate your daughter going over to their house, so stop allowing it! I think the inconsistency from you is causing some of the issues in your daughter’s behaviour.

Sometimes the girls shout over the fence to each other but sometimes you try and stop it. Sometimes you allow your Dd to go to their house, but you don’t like it. Sometimes you respond to the other girl’s messages, sometimes you don’t if you’re busy.

Decide on your boundaries first, then put things in place to uphold them. Nothing will change otherwise. If you don’t want the girl messaging you, go and have a conversation with the grandma and tell her that you’re happy to arrange occasional play dates in advance, but the messages must come from the grandma’s phone, not from the girl directly. See how she responds. If she agrees, get the grandma’s number and ask her to delete your number from the girl’s phone or say you’ll block it because you don’t have time to keep getting messages from a child. Tell her you can’t have her dropping the girl off uninvited. Once you have the grandma’s number you can message her directly if you can’t face saying some things to her face.

Also, when you say “Dd went to tell them she wasn’t allowed…” is this at the front door or over the fence again? I’m trying to work out if all of these conversations are just shouted over a fence or if your Dd is opening the front door? If the front door, maybe stop her doing that too! You really are going to have to break the cycle.

This.
Send the message to the grandmother and block her number.
If she calls to the house despite you telling her, tell her you will contact 101 and call Child services.

This is causing you nothing but annoyance.
Keep your daughter away from her.

Sometimes parenting means you have to put your foot down, this is it.

The grandmother just wants what makes her life easier.

Because she can’t be bothered entertaining her granddaughter herself, so if your daughter is there they can play together whilst she cracks on with whatever she wants.