I developed OCD as a child, it was very mild and it still is really, it does affect my life slightly but it isn’t debilitating. I go through phases where it’s worse, usually when I’m stressed.
some of the things that I do are turning all of the switches off (apart from the fridge). He assures me that nothing will happen if they are left on and there won’t be a fire because the fuse will blow instead. But I tell him it’s not really about a fire. I just HAVE to do it. I have been stood in a doorway for 10 minutes battling with myself, trying to fight to urge to leave the plug switch alone. But I always end up going back to it and turning it off. He gets annoyed and says what’s the difference between that switch and the one that’s keeping the fridge plugged in?! I told him I know it doesn’t make sense but I genuinely can’t help the urge. I won’t be able to stop thinking about it, I won’t be able to concentrate on anything else, I will have intense feelings of anxiety and not be able to sleep if I don’t do it.
At night, I spend a long time doing a kind of ritual. If I don’t do it, I have a feeling of guilt and failing people and it will cause them to die. Rationally I know you can’t make someone die by not doing random things in your house. But I absolutely have to do it and I can’t explain it. I have a voice in my head that is like “if you don’t do this, that means deep down you want your mum to die and you don’t care about her”. Again, he gets angry with me and tells me to just go to sleep, he can’t wrap his head around how I can be so illogical. I have tried explaining but I don’t have the words because it’s just a feeling and there is no logic behind it.
It takes me quite a long time to leave the house because no matter how much I check something is in place, I will always think something is wrong. I will check all the switches, make sure my cats aren’t stuck somewhere and they have access to things etc. yet I will continually check every room of the house over and over again and not believe my own eyes. I will look at the tap and say out loud “I am looking at the tap. It is not turned on. The plug is out and the tap is off” same with the doors “the door is open, I am looking right at it and can see it’s open” but it’s never enough. I will still re check just in case I accidentally closed it and didn’t realise. I will take pictures of everything for reassurance.
My boyfriend can’t really cope with this anymore, it is driving him crazy. Once I am out of the house it’s fine. I don’t have any need to do anything when I’m out of the house. The problems arise when I need to leave or when I need to sleep. So throughout the day, if I’m just at home or out and about, I’m fine. But it is now causing tension and arguments between us because he gets annoyed and exasperated with me and then I get angry at him for not understanding when I have explained I’m not doing any of it on purpose countless times!
Is there any hope for us really? I love him so much, we have been together 8 years and got engaged last year. But I have been recently diagnosed with a heart condition which has made me very stressed and overwhelmed and my OCD is a little worse than usual lately. I know I must be difficult to live with, I can appreciate that. But I also feel very misunderstood and alone. Although, I can’t expect him to understand something so confusing and illogical. I am 32 by the way and partner is 28.