Son excluded after meeting today. Was meant to be isolation. Feel sick about it

I think the school have done the right thing to be honest OP. The only thing I thought was strange was how they said in the meeting today that the incident was more serious than they originally thought. I'm not sure what that means but from the information you've given I think they were right to exclude him for a fixed time. I'm sorry you are struggling with this. Hopefully your son learns his lesson moving forwards.

One teacher told my son to "shut up" . His answer was ; "do it yourself". One day exclusion. He still doesn't get what he did wrong but he's autistic. There is only one teacher he's got a problem with. She tends to be very disrespectful to the students and says quite nasty stuff. All the other teachers are great and he's never had a problem with anyone. They have the intelligence to ask him to please be silent/ show with their finger and he's compliant. But when he feels aggressed he will talk back (without swearing).

He walked out of isolation so I can see why they didn’t think just more isolation was an appropriate punishment.

He was verbally abusive to a teacher - plenty of professions wouldn’t tolerate it, and teachers shouldn’t have to either.

About the initial incident at school, you said

Im not pretending thats ok. Ive said that to him and he knows it.

Did you just say that? Or did you do some kind of consequence at home as well? If you want school to work with you then you need to work with them too, and back them up when you know he's done something wrong.

The school sounds reasonable to me. They have tried isolation and he has shown that isolation does not work for him. So they need to progress to the next step.

I really feel that you’re minimising his behavior. He swore at a teacher. Nobody goes to work to be sworn at. The school have a duty towards their staff as well as their pupils, he walked out of isolation. He’s showing them that he doesn’t give a crap about their rules or their consequences and, frankly, he’s on the fast track to permanent exclusion.

As a parent of three boys with SEN (adhd and autism) if they’d behaved like this, their world would have come crashing down. Phones and switches were confiscated for minor infractions, this would have meant 6 months hard labour and an indefinite grounding. They’d not even be allowed to watch tv after something like this! (I’d let them keep their books 😂)

After taking away phones etc. they had to be earned back by good behaviour.

Without knowing the precise circumstances, although you’ve explained further OP, I’d say that the school felt that this was the escalation of sanctions following his behaviour. It might be that it turns out to be the shock that enables him to realise that he will have to make some changes to his behaviour if he wishes to complete his education at school.

It may be that he has some SEND, not linked to his academic ability, that is impacting on the way he is responding to teachers and his behaviour in general. Presumably there will be a reintegration meeting following the fixed term exclusion. You could ask for a meeting with the SENDCo to investigate whether additional support is needed and how that can be put in place.

He also needs to understand that challenging behaviour won’t help him to achieve the qualifications he will need for the next stage in life.

How bad is his anxiety? Any idea of the cause?

That was DC2's main issue from about y8 or 9 onwards. It was cripplling. They did well academically but not as well as they should have done. Turned out to be ADHD. But obviously that is only 1 of many possible causes of anxiety. .... it could obviously be for example not enough sleep, hormonal issues, bullying, pressure from the school, social insecurities etc etc etc

Did he apologise to the teacher for his inappropriate behaviour ?

He has been given a time out to think about what is right & what is wrong.

Poor or bad behaviour has consequences

@FrostedOwl Don't mean this as a pile on or try to make you feel guilty (hindsight is always wonderful) but did you contact someone about him not going to school? And did the school call for a meeting due to him being absent often?

It sounds like he's not OK and the adults around him only reacts when things get out of hand. I would like to know why he doesn't want to go to school- it's not normal behaviour (fine, to want it yes, but not act on it). Most teens are motivated to go to school in order to see their friends- is there something there that has happened? Bullying? I think school has been too strict- measures should be taken and tried before exclusion. Please call cahms OP and try to get help for your son.

So his behaviour was bad enough he was asked to leave the lesson, he then swore , raised his voice at the teacher and kept refusing to go. He was then in internal exclusion refused to do the work and walked out. He hasn't left the school with much choice has he. He's also had an isolation before which didn't have the desired effect.

I was at a Y9 parents evening recently. Waiting I couldn’t help hear a conversation with a dad in front talking about his son.

The conversation was along the lines of ‘go on, tell me, I know he’s a bit of handful etc.’. Teacher was professional but told him he is disruptive and often sent to isolation etc.

Dad’s response:

“I’ve told him school will have to do something if you carry on but well what can I say, I like a laugh myself and was a bit of the class clown” and starts laughing.

God bless the teachers. Not saying this is you OP but don’t underestimate his impact on others.

Swearing at staff is a straight exclusion at the school I work in. Staff should not have to put up with it.
Students need to learn that you cannot go around swearing at people. It is abusive.

He’s had a series of consequences already (previous detentions and an isolation) that haven’t made a difference to his behaviour. I would be confident in saying that the swearing at the teacher and refusing to leave will have been the final straw of a whole load of bad behaviour in that lesson alone, let alone the ones before. He got the ‘kinder’, ‘working with you’ consequence - the internal suspension - and he blew it. Now he gets the escalated consequence. It’s good that he’s embarrassed, frankly. He should be embarrassed about his behaviour in class but he isn’t and therefore he is now being held to account. If he doesn’t take this one on board, then it will keep happening.

It is quite likely that there is more going on, whether that’s undiagnosed SEN or something else, but it’s your job to work with the school to help him - talk more with him about what he is struggling with and be clear that you cannot condone his behaviour, so he needs to communicate with you about why he’s doing it. No excuses, no blaming school (he isn’t letting them help him - believe me, they’ve probably tried to engage him on these issues repeatedly), just frank discussions about why he’s making poor choices (or whether he really can’t help it - that sounds unlikely from what you’ve said).

Exactly. Actions have consequences. Life lesson taught.

I completely disagree with this. There is a certain level of herd mentality in schools, especially with teenagers. A zero tolerance for swearing and disrespect is the only way to teach children how to behave. Otherwise they will get a very brutal life lesson in their first week at work when they are fired for doing the equivalent towards their boss

He did have a punishment at school. Isolation. He decided to walk out of it.

I don't think he has left them with much choice.

If he swore at a member of staff in the bank / the gym / Tesco I'd expect him to be put out and not allowed back.

There are signs in all of these places saying "Our staff wont tolerate abuse"

Teachers shouldn't have to tolerate this abuse. The school are right to exclude him. You should be making him apologise via letter or email to the teacher.

He was verbally aggressive to a teacher and was given isolation. That was his opportunity to step up and show he could behave appropriately and he didn't. Therefore the school have escalated his consequences to suspension. The positive thing here is that it's for a fixed time. The school haven't handled it badly. Your son was lucky they gave him a chance through isolation which he blew.
You need to deal with this pattern of poor choices before it gets worse

Sounds overly harsh to me. Yes he shouldnt have done it, yes he should have a sig punishment at school, but hes 14, his hormones are raging, something more constructive could be done.

Trust the experienced adults to do their jobs properly. They have taught hundreds of children. If they say they are doing this for his benefit, that’s their motivation. This is a good thing. You have to look at the bigger picture, which is that there is a teacher retention crisis, if they don’t quite rightly deal firmly with swearing and refusing to leave classrooms this behaviour becomes normalised and the teachers will just quit, there are tons of secondary school jobs out there.
your job as a parent here is to back up the school and not question their response. Especially not in front of your child. Unless you don’t want him to have any teachers teaching him.

I think it's to do with the reason behind it.

My friends and I missed the school bus once. Decided to go to one of our houses for a bit and then go in for break time, missing first lesson. That was truancy.

DS is autistic and has EBSA/school refusal. When in school he can't participate, just stays in one of the quiet rooms with a trusted staff member. He was self harming last year due to anxiety around school and constantly talking about harming himself/wanting to die.

If he feels embarrassed and angry then maybe it will help in the long run since it isn't something he will want to repeat.

Maybe that is why the school decided to escalate, because even in isolation he still misbehaved.

So generally walking out of isolation is a big deal because its showing contempt for a consequence, so you move up the ladder of consequences at the rate you ignor/defy them.

Ot can feel not fair or disproportionate but remember other chikdren are watching what happens. If they see isolation is optional then it is no longer a deterrent to them.

I have sympathy, sometimes schools do seem to escalate things that could be handled differently but I would encourage you to look at next steps rather than what happened.

Schools can’t (and don’t want to) suspend externally without a whole stack of evidence. He did something serious and failed the first consequence by failing to meet the standards set in isolation. I know it must be hard for you, but the best thing for him is to work with the school to support him in turning his behaviour round - he needs to take responsibility.

What choice do they have but to escalate if he walked out of isolation. He refused to cooperate with the sanction so they move to the next step. The same thing happens in life outside school. If you refuse to pay a parking fine on time, the fine is increased!