Son excluded after meeting today. Was meant to be isolation. Feel sick about it

Well what does he say to you when you ask what the problem with school is? I would clear your head of anything anyone else says and ask him why he hates going there. Then act on that.

It doesn’t matter who he swore at or if he was excluded. What is going on in his head that he isn’t coping.

Op. I’m not sure of your point on if the school told you he’d walked out of isolation you’d have dealt with it. He’d already done it the moment he walked out the door, there is no genie that can be put back in the bottle at that point, the crime had been committed,

he refuses to go to school, you’re his parent,he disobeys you and doesn’t go. He shouted and swore at a teacher, he refused to leave the classroom, disrupting the lesson for everyone else. Those children are entitled to a calm and safe undistrubed learning environment. He then walked out of isolation, his punishment for what he’d done, thus refusing the punishment.

what else were they supposed to do, talking wouldn’t make it better, or change it, it would have taught him nothing other than he can be aggressive, abusive and disobedient and mummy will sort it for him, and he then gets to tell his mates how he got away with it as mummy sorted it.

he needs to face consequences for his actions. It’s good he feels embarrassed, I’m sure it’s very cool to just refuse to go to school when he fancies it,spend the day round the house and just lose a few privileges like his phone or game. It’s very different to when the school say you’re not allowed in and he’s punished in front of his mates for his shit behaviour.

you should be pleased the school have acted, as your punishments and talking don’t work, he blatantly disobeys you,

so if he continues the next step will ultimately be expulsion and move to another school. Shit jobs earning no money as an adult. Poorly educated and unable to have any money to go out with his mates, go on holidays, get a car. I’d be making it clear what his actions are doing to his future.

so no, I’m sorry the school shouldn’t have went easier on him. They stepped in just as they should have.

He will have disrupted so many kids education

hopefully now the teachers can get back to teaching

Op, is your son an only child? If not how does he behave towards other children? Has he displayed empathy towards other people? T

He could be emotionally immature and not able to handle negative feelings. Does his father have healthy emotional reactions as often its learnt behaviour.

Whilst he is off I would get him to focus on CBT and ways to process his negative feelings, rather than exploding with anger. If he feels stupid when asked a question he could learn that feelings are not facts. You could get him to a therapists or even CBT worksheets. At his age he has to start taking some responsibility for his reactions.

All 14 year olds' hormones are "raging" though.

Please outline the more constructive thing that could be done.

The school I used to work in would definitely exclude a student if they swore at a teacher/member of staff. Just make sure it doesn't keep happening as they can eventually look to permanently exclude after a certain number of days.

@FrostedOwl I think going forward you need to jump on the fact that he feels bad about being excluded. Help him work through that and understand truly that this behaviour is not acceptable and absolutely not ok.

Secondly you need to help him boost his self esteem. So he feels like he is a good part of the school, part of that community and no different to any of the other pupils there - by the sounds of it he has a mindset of he’s being singled out / less clever etc which needs addressing for him to feel confident and capable. In you shoes, I would ask the school for help with this eg if there was a teacher who could be his mentor? Maybe from a subject he is good at? He needs to feel he has value and or I would be afraid the whole thing would deteriorate more. Do you think he has low self esteem and if yes why? Is there anything he feels he is really good at / a successful part of?

I would also ask him to imagine what it would be like to be a teacher in a class where someone behaved like he does. Or another pupil. How would he like it say at football practice or whatever he enjoys, If someone else made it impossible to do the session because they were being rude / messing about etc??

best of luck to you, you sound like a great mum - I think a balance of tough love and nurturing is required and you’re right that this is a critical time xoxo

He hasn’t had a PEX, he’s had a fixed term suspension.

It does sort of sound like he is out of control, but it doesn't sound like he has sen (though it isnt possible to say based on just what is here). It sounds like a pattern of increasingly poor behaviour and from one of your posts I think potential bullying. He needs to be encouraged to start thinking of the impact his actions have on others - you, teachers, friends - instead of just thinking of himself and what he wants.

From your posts OP, your son is consistently disruptive. A school doesn't give out a fixed term exclusion for no reason. It's usually when isolation, detentions etc haven't worked. In your son's case they haven't work! Of course the school refusal and his poor behaviour are linked. What support have the school offered? Have you sought any outside help for your son's behaviour?

Having a student in class that's disruptive is an utter pain in the arse. It stops other students learning, staff teaching and they're spending huge amounts of time during a lesson having to deal with them.

It's equally not fair on your son constantly being told off/sent out of the classroom, he's stopping himself from learning.

Perhaps the fact your son is embarrassed, might be a learning curve, where he realises that poor behaviour has consequences far more than detentions and isolations.

@TeenYearsAreBrutal it's not a PEX, it's a suspension. Suspensions only go in front of governors when the young person has racked up 15 days or more. School seem to have confused their terminology (which changed a while ago) There's nothing to overturn as it's not a permanent exclusion.

Of course. But it was you who said one had been rebranded as another, no?

I used to be a head of year, and whenever we had to do any kind of exclusion (internal or external) there was a huge amount that went into the investigation. Going for a fixed term exclusion was really hard - you had to have significant, irrefutable evidence.

Your son has definitely messed up, and while following through with sanctions at home is really important, trying to understand his behaviour and where it’s coming from is also a big part of helping him get back on track. So as well as confiscating his devices, make sure you also check them for any signs of him being influenced by negative online content (for example, if the teacher he swore at was a woman, is there any evidence of him following misogynistic accounts?) That can help get an insight into where his anger is coming from.

Sometimes teenage boys need more physical ways to let off steam as well. If he’s not already, get him to join some kind of sports activity (boxing clubs can be amazing at teaching boys how to control their anger in a disciplined way).

I’ve dealt with a lot of angry teenage boys in my time - I’ve also seen a lot of them turn it around, but it does take a lot of hard work and commitment from him and those around him.

I don't think that's the difference, parents being aware.

Just to add - my comments relate to PERMANENT exclusions, not fixed term exclusions - and. A fixed term exclusion does seem appropriate

It not that he swore at the teacher. It's because it's a pattern of persistent behaviour and he wasn't taking the original punishment seriously.

He left the school with little room to move. If they let it go the message would be that he can get away with that behaviour.

If he doesn't want the punishment he needs to realise that he doesn't do the behaviour.

Your sons behaviour is unacceptable and you need to support the action school has taken or your son will think his behaviour is ok

And lots of grey areas as well. You don't need to 'ffs'

Your too defensive of your child. Sorry Op but the school clearly stated that his behaviour in isolation wasnt good enough. Which means that isolation is not working as a deterent. So yes the exclusion makes sense and hopefully it sends the message to your son that his behaviour needs to change. You pandering to him and accusing the school of being too harsh is not going to help. He is old enough to know better

But other children have the right to a decent learning environment.

That always seems to be forgotten

I mean this in the nicest way but he is 14 so he is not a small boy, and him shouting and refusing to leave a classroom could have intimidated and scared the other teenagers and the teacher. As a parent I wouldn't want my child to witness that. I would ask that my child not be in any classes with a teen like that.

Are you able to get him an appointment with the GP? Get him officially diagnosed if you believe he could be SEN and maybe so therapy or medication? I have a suspicion that my daughter might have ADHD so I've started to follow some support groups on Facebook and they are really helpful as well.

You need to address this mindset "He says he feels stupid when he's put on the spot even though teachers say he's capable"

They are all there to learn. Everyone feels a bit shit when they don't know something but not knowing something doesn't make you stupid, it is just something you don't know yet. It might also be that he isn't paying attention so the teachers are saying he should know the answer when called upon. This might be about memory recall too.

My children's school was incredibly strict on behaviour and we chose that school because I wanted my children to be able to learn and for teachers to be able to teach (lots of teacher friends) and not spend half their time managing behaviour. Him refusing to leave the classroom undermines the teacher and then can set off a sheep like reaction with others pushing their luck. It creates a shit environment for the students and the teacher. Maybe relate this to your job and how it would impact you. Year 9 is when they are covering GCSE stuff too so lessons are important.

The positive out of his exclusion is he feels bad about it. Talk to him about moving forward, his new attitude and support him.

School governor here - I’ve sat on a few PEX panels.

Any PEX needs to be ratified by the governing board. Who will need to uphold that the decision was lawful, reasonable and procedurally fair.

Pop this in to chat GPT - it gives a surprisingly good summary to help you decide whether you think the school has followed fairness and process principles. Permanent Exclusion Checklist – Three Tests

not withstanding the fact that you do seem to be minimizing his behaviour somewhat, on face value it does seem disproportionate to me. I’ve overturned the schools decision to exclude at a PEX panel before even when the behaviour has been much worse/recidivist.

I struggle to understand why exclusion from school is effective because , like in this case, he doesn’t want to be in school anyway. So I can’t see why it would work as an effective punishment. All it does is cause a load of negative feelings on all side and reinforce the poor self esteem of the child who has been excluded. Surely a better punishment would be a term at a boarding school or similar.
I suspect like in this case aswell it leads to relationship breakdown between the school and the parents too which doesn’t help.

One of my step sons went through a tricky phase . When he claimed punishments were unjust we I
Used to ask him "how would your teacher describe what happened?"
.he usually squirmed a bit then admitted the real version of events

We also made it clear that he could ruin his own education but he doesn't get to ruin other people's education.
.