Old friends going a bit ' funny'

Your perspective is very interesting. Thank you!

I've been in touch with two of my closest friends since our teens. We went through a lot together and have, naturally, experienced even more since then. I think we feel bonded by our shared past: after all, no-one you meet as an adult has the same history as you. These should be the kind of friendships that last forever, which you can just drop and pick up as if you'd seen each other last week. And, for decades, they were.

In my fifties, I discovered I don't like either of them now 😬 I don't think any of us has changed character: it's more that each of our most defining qualities have become bigger, more dominant - and these qualities are incompatible. It's true that menopause brings a welcome sense of "bugger that game, I don't care" ... and this means we're less willing to overlook other people's unwelcome facets out of loyalty to a long-ago past.

It's bugging me at the moment because a small group of school friends is organising a weekend away. I want to go but they assume our band of three will be thrilled to be glued to each other for three days! I'd be pushed to enjoy three hours!

I also have friends who have become more immersed in politics the older they get, and more unhappy as a result. Whereas I increasingly steer clear of news and current affairs because it's so depressing and there's nothing I can do to alter world events.

This meant more-or-less losing one lovely old friend who used to share a lot with me, but her world quite rapidly shrank to an obsessive focus on politics, and she lost interest in most other aspects of life.

As for me, I do find myself becoming more morbid, mournful and morose as the years go by, but I try hard to keep that out of my communications with friends and relatives, even if it means a lot of forced cheeriness (which can actually cheer me up in the end).

I totally recognise this too.

Ive distanced myself over the years from a friend I’ve known from childhood for these same reasons. It’s difficult to just not see her altogether as we’re part of a group that have grown up together.

But I know from comments made to others that she wonders why we’re not close anymore. It’s very difficult conversation to have though - saying “well I know you’re a little put out that I’m doing very well and make it clear with your pass-agg comments” probably wouldn’t go down well! But I just have no time for people that aren’t happy for me, as I am for them.

Have seen a distinct change in the nature of several - but not all of my long term friendships now were in late 50s/60 and our children are at uni. It’s made me realise how much of my friendships were entirely rooted around our connection via children. Even when our kids were no longer close friends our bonds remained but now they have gone I can suddenly see that we had nothing else in common, that the things we are individually interested in, the social issues/values that define us are in many respects quite diametrically opposed these days.

We just don’t have that much in common or many joint interests. Our partners are also in different places, so also think that the type of holidays, retirement plans/dreams are so very different that there may be a thin thread of resentment of judgement too. Started reaching out to make new interest-based friends a couple of years ago to fill the void left by the old friends who I am drifting away from/have drifted away. Have decided it’s not personal - just different stages of life and a sign of how much we have each grown and changed.

I’m mid 50s and only have 2 or 3 close friends now. The others I either fell out with or ditched in my 40s.

Some FB friends I went to school with keep saying we’ll meet up but we never do.

I do think this is an age thing.

In instances like this I’d just presume they do not really want to meet up/stay friends but feel guilty and are paying lip service to you.

I have a friend who is extremely flaky and rarely gets in touch unless she’s at a loose end for something to do. In which case I agree to meet her if it suits me and I fancy it. I never spend money to do anything any more as she’s let me down a couple of times when we’ve bought tickets for things (at her request) and then she’s cancelled.

She messaged me the other day about an event and I just said “can’t do that sorry”.

Just treat them the same as they treat you and take from the relationship what you will as in - I still have a laugh when we meet up so I’m ok to see her still now and again, if it suits me. I go into it thinking she’ll probably cancel so that I’m not disappointed!

Op - regarding your male friend, I do think this is definitely just a men getting older thing. My dh is exactly the same - has become obsessed with politics and the state of the world etc. I told him the other day he needs to stop looking at the news as I can’t be doing with it!

I agree with this. I currently have an issue with a very old friend who makes zero effort to meet up and seems to think the friendship can be maintained with the odd text update about her life. I am certainly feeling the closeness diminish and I've given up trying to get us to spend time together.

I think often people think that shared past experiences/old friendships means things will never change and you can always just pick up where you left off, but I don't think that's true really, even strong friendships need nurturing.

I’m of that age. Last April an old friend from school cancelled on me twice with a really lame excuse both times. I let it go thinking she was ghosting me to be honest. To receive a Xmas card saying we must meet up. It’s the mixed messages I find confusing. One of my siblings had turned very odd and bitter from mid fifties to sixties. I do wonder if something health wise is starting. I can’t get on with her at all, having had a good relationship before.

Of course, it must be men. Because women are always perfect and wonderful.

I never said it was. I think as we get older life changes us.

I've had much the same experience. A friend I have been close to for about 20 years seems to have become incredibly self-centered. The other strange thing is she very noticeably started distancing herself from me when I left my abusive ex (she barely knows him but knows me well).

Around the time that I left my ex, I would ask her if she had seen my holiday snap on social media and she would say that she almost never looks at social media because it is bad for her mental health, so I would WhatsApp her the photo I wanted her to se.e. Then she started saying that my holiday snaps were upsetting her because it reminded her that she couldn't afford to go abroad. I pointed out that she does go and stay in 5-star hotels in the UK for about 4 days a couple of times of year and she could instead decide to go abroad and stay in a cottage or less luxurious hotel but apparently only. 5 star hotels are good enough! I go to lovely places but do not stay anywhere fancy.

After a few months of this. I finally decided to disconnect from her on social media because I found myself worrying about upsetting her every time I posted something which was a ridiculous situation to be in.

A few hours later, she messaged me saying she was so upset at what I had done! (Having repeatedly told me that she virtually never looks at social media). So definitely a case of damned If I do and damned if I don't.

Also, when this friend does contact me; she never asks how I am, even though I have a serious chronic illness which has made me too ill to work. It's really very odd behavior.

It's not the same but my 2 oldest & closest friends & I have drifted apart, we live locally to each other & we're late 40's, they have had health & peri menopause symptoms & I feel awful saying this but we just don't laugh together like we used to & I find contact with them quite tricky at the moment. I'm not giving up though as I love them & we have so much history so I'm hoping this is a blip.

Also - "Well something's lost, but something's gained"

'They shake their heads.....'not 'they look at me'.

Agree with this

TBH I think its sort of normal

Im not one who keeps friends forever, I have the friends I see daily or weekly, but if we fall out of each others radar, ie someone moves, changes jobs, then I just dont keep the friendship going - its too much hard work.

Im in my 60's, still working, carer for mother, grandmother to three - house and garden to worry about - all taking that bit longer now, its enough finding time to meet for a coffee once a week with a friend who lives the other side of town

And then there is the guilt. " I must ring/text" and a week goes by, then a month and it just gets harder to pick up the phone

It is a weird coincidence that BOTH of them, at the SAME time have appeared to distance themselves from you, and that you say they are wrapped up in each other.

Are you sure you haven't inadvertently offended 1 and the other one is "on her side"?

People juggling alot too. Friends mam 80s. She full time work too. Kids sport at wends. I visit my mam on saturdays so that day gone. Its hard keeping friendships going aswell