Old friends going a bit ' funny'

Well firstly, decaf does exist....

And also, barely anyone can seem to even manage a weekend evening either!! Got to be in bed by 9 every bloody night apparently!

I hope you're feeling better now after everyone's enlightenments here, thinking of you & hope you will be able to communicate to your friends how you've been feeling...

@FlowerFlour its so sad isnt it? and the hardest thing is- you grieve the loss of who your friend used to be but she isnt dead, she's just....not herself any more. It's such a weird feeling.

Missing whom someone used to be feels so pointless and sad

@Daygloboo I meant your comment about lands end and John O'Groats sorry it didn't link

That made me properly LOL 😂😂😂

Flower yes agree you need positive people. Think Im more fussy with my time now. Time wasters I got rid of and must catch up soon xx ones lol

This really resonated for me.

My friend (we're both in our 40s) used to be so fun, caring, interesting and inspirational. I really looked up to her when we were in our 20s; I wanted to be as brave and mature as her.

For the past few years all she does is complain about her (actually very fortunate) life. The death knell for our friendship was when I spent an entire two hour lunch listening to her complaining about her teen childs sport team. She didn't notice my eyes glazing over or ask me a single question. If I asked about her other friends, or tried to talk about my own life, she'd immediately pick up her phone and start scrolling. As soon as i finished speaking she'd put her phone down, completely ignore what I'd said and go straight back into her monologue. It's boring, and more than boring - it's selfish.

The old her would have never done this, but the new her is horrible and I don't want to be friends with this new person.

Not necessarily -- the two I can immediately think of, because they had dinner here last Saturday night when we didn't eat till around nine, were both driving, and didn't drink.

"who happily down espressos after a dinner party at midnight and are completely unaffected."

I bet that's after a good part of a bottle of wine as well though.

I'm in my 50s and have lots of friends of my age approx who happily down espressos after a dinner party at midnight and are completely unaffected. (I adore coffee and wish I could do it, but I wouldn't sleep a wink.)

Why would you be drinking a caffeinated drink after 8pm though? Problem is that as we get older some of us need more rest and sleep so an earlier meeting time is better. Eating late gives some of us acid.
What's so bad with meeting earlier during the week and leaving the later meetups for the weekend?

I think you eventually realise that these old friends are not really friends any more. It's too long since you had that real close friendship, you don't know them any more too much water under the bridge. And it becomes a bit of a chore to keep it up. What's the point really, you have your current friends and your family, the old friends however close you were then are almost ghosts from the past.

Thanks. Just to clarify - I don't cancel once I've agreed to do something, it's more that we talk in principle about how it would be good to catch up and then someone suggests a date, and that's when the anxiety kicks in, so I find myself making an excuse and kicking the can down the road a bit. Still really annoying for people, I know, but I'm not standing them up as such. I try to suggest things myself sometimes, so I know exactly what's going to happen when, and I've had some time to get used to the idea before it becomes real. In any case, it's never because I don't like the person or care about them any more.

Just ask them if there is a problem. You can't second guess what's going on in someone else's mind and we can't either. You know them best, just ask. If you feel there us too much distance between you to be open with them, well maybe they feel the same way.

ferningle, if you're not already, you can get help with that and probably should, for your own sake. You want to socialise, but can't, you regret cancelling. Meds or CBT can be very effective for this sort of thing. Cancelling last minute is the sort of behaviour that's going to risk destroying your friendships, especially if you don't have a diagnosis/your friends don't know (and sometimes even if they do, a lot of people still shy away from anything MH related and will make the right noises but then distance themselves).

There was a story in the news today about a survey showing what a high proportion of women this age are experiencing mental health issues, especially anxiety.

I have friends I really want to see and I sometimes do, but when someone suggests actually doing something my first instinctive reaction is always a massive wave of anxiety, which I then I have to fight really hard against. I don't always win, so sometimes I do say I can't do something I've previously said I want to do, once the date is right in front of me. I usually regret that later but by then it's too late.

I know this is a me problem and other people shouldn't have to put up with it, so it's fine for them to give up on me. However I would say if someone does this sort of thing, don't assume they're actually not interested, and feel hurt. It could be that they're also experiencing new anxiety.

This is sad to hear about

Often, we see people as they really are in times of crisis and are disappointed

I am sorry to hear how this has been for you.

Sadly, I have experienced similar and have let these people go. Unfortunately, they have not even noticed! (which says everything ☹️)

This is all so sad but does resonate

Which is why I have acknowledged that we are all different and some people might be absolutely fine with it.

I, am not ok with it.

Hence, if people are going to not contact me for long periods of time then they will have to accept our friendship isnt going to suddenly go back to how it was when they deign to get in touch with me again.

I have experienced friends disappearing from my life during times when I have been going through some really painful experiences and then just turning up a couple of years later and expecting me to pretend nothing has changed. I cannot do that. If others can, then that is their choice. But I do not like feeling like I am being picked up and put down when it suits them.

I get it OP. I am in a close age group to yours. I have five long term close friends and two sisters. Apart from one, they all live a distance away. At the end of December I was in an accident which left me with a number of injuries. I have been stuck at home and isolated, can't drive. Apart from a couple of texts when it first happened, the silence has been deafening. One sister has called me, the other hasn't. The one who hasn't called was ill a while back and I dropped everything to go and take care of her. Out of the five long term friends, one has called and regularly messages me even though she has a lot of her own difficulties going on at the moment. I don't expect visits but some phone calls over the past 4 weeks would have made a difference. I feel like a few years ago there would have been calls, flowers etc, so something has changed. This is against a backdrop of them all knowing my marriage is difficult and I wont be getting much empathy at home. The whole thing has left me feeling quite lonely and jaded. The emotional impact is worse than the physical impact. I am going to be concentrating on me this year and putting minimum effort into these relationships going forwards, which is pretty sad eh? On a more positive note, a new friend who I met a couple of years ago has just asked if she can pop round for a visit soon so that has really made my day.

Yes its hard if not 2 way efforts to keep in touch. My circle small now not sure do I want new friends. 50s. My mams neighbour she lovely but same again unless I make contact..

But it’s not ‘going to be the same’ in your case because of your specific expectations and your obvious resentment that your friends haven’t been in touch. Not everyone feels similarly. I certainly have friends I would absolutely still count as friends, whom I haven’t seen in years. I don’t resent they haven’t been in regular touch. I recognise that this was also a choice I made, and that a lot has honestly on in all our lives.

It's not true that old friends or close friends can go several months (consistently over the years) or longer and still pick up where they left off. It all depends on life circumstances.

I agree with this. I see people on here posting that they haven't spoken to someone in like, 5 years, and they just pick up where they left off. That blows my mind a bit.

I feel like so much has happened to me in the last 5 years alone that it would be almost insulting for someone to act like everything is exactly the same because it's not. Where were they when I lost my parents?- they didnt care enough to keep in touch then, so why I am supposed to now just pretend everything is the same. They've missed huge and important life events.

I just cannot feel close to someone if there has been years of no contact, it just indicates to me that they dont give a toss about me if they can't even muster up a 30 second text!