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AIBU?

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Original poster

Co-Parenting Mayhem

36 replies

ellie09 · 27/01/2026 12:23

Hi all

I have an 8 year old DS with my ex husband. We split up when DS was 2 years old and have been trying to co-parent since.

Its been a challenge.

Anyway, the latest saga is a case of my DS playing me and his dad/his granny off each other.

DS says he has a sore throat and he has a very mild cough. Nothing that has affected his eating, drinking and he has been going to school, singing in his room etc as normal. So to me, I just told him it'll be better in a few days.

DS has a phone with a child proof sim card from EE, with his family members numbers only, so he can ring his dad etc and not use my phone. I thought this would be a nice way for DS to still connect throughout the week with his dad.

However, DS has been using this phone to arrange plans with his dad or his granny (on his dads side) and doesnt ask me if its OK etc. He has been warned multiple times that he needs to ask me if these plans are OK.

DS has called his dad this morning who starts work at 2pm. He tells his dad he's sick and I have told him he isnt allowed medicine (I told DS it wasnt needed as he just has a few sniffles, and DS had been eating normally, even asking for sweets and chocolate!). He then agreed with his dad, without my knowledge, that he would him up and take him to his granny's so he can get medicine and stay there this afternoon.

I hadn't been asked, and I am just assumed to go and pick up DS from my ex MIL house after I finish work at 5pm (I don't particularly get on with her very well and my ex husband knows this).

I said no, but ex husband arrives 15 mins later at the door to pick DS up.

Ex husband then sends a large number of texts to me, calling me a bad mother for not giving DS calpol (despite the fact he doesnt need it) and claims that my son is "frightened" of me and having a panic attack as I locked his phone as punishment for making plans without asking which went against the rules. These messages include a video of my DS crying and ex husband saying "I love you" to DS.

I have told ex husband he needs to stay out of the rules I set in my household, respect me as his mother and not to give DS medicine when it is not needed.

AIBU here? I feel like I am going completely mad.

I feel completely disrespected as his mother, my child is emotionally manipulating his dad into thinking I dont care (strange?) and I am getting accused of being a bad mum and refusing medicine, when in the past if he's been sick, I have been the one nursing him with medicine and hugs and taking the day off work.

I have no idea how to handle this moving forward without shutting ex husband out.

For reference - I split with ex husband due to domestic abuse (towards me, not DS) and he has been arrested in the past for attempting to blackmail me, so he is unhinged and quite angry towards me (ot doesnt seem to be with others)

OP posts:
Whyarepeople · 27/01/2026 12:48

ellie09 · 27/01/2026 12:46

No court order, we have just arranged ourselves around work patterns

Show quote history

I ask because I'm wondering why you're being so accommodating around contact with an abusive man. If he was abusive to you, he will also be abusing your son - not in the same ways, but probably in subtler ways. It sounds like part of the abuse is using him as a tool to create conflict with you.

BudgetBuster · 27/01/2026 12:47

ellie09 · 27/01/2026 12:43

This is 100% what this is like for us at the moment.

He likes to tell his dad that I always drink wine (I have some at the weekend, some weeks, but not even once a week) and that I have nothing for him to do at my house when he has every technology device, a cupboard full of games and toys etc.

Its absolutely draining.

But yes, I think you're right. I just need to be firm in my decisions with ex husband moving forward.

Show quote history

Yep... comments like "He's bored, has nothing to do etc" we're always met with "That is factually incorrect. Please only contact me in regards financial, medical, educational or access"

She eventually got bored 😂

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/01/2026 12:47

He’s too young for a phone and he is totally disrespecting you with it, so it needs to go. If you allow this while he’s still so young it will only get worse. Is there any reason for DSs unhappiness at home? If it’s all ex H I’d supervise the calls

Original poster
ellie09 · 27/01/2026 12:46

Whyarepeople · 27/01/2026 12:43

Is there a court order around contact?

No court order, we have just arranged ourselves around work patterns

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 27/01/2026 12:46

ellie09 · 27/01/2026 12:34

Yep, would have him alternative Friday/Saturday then once every two weeks on Sunday due to his work hours.

Taking his phone away will only solve so much, as if his dad rings him from my phone, the same thing happens. However, I also dont want to take away phone calls from his dad, if I can

Show quote history

On the phone thing... in our case a judge ordered no phone calls from the Mother during our access as she was blowing up DHs phone when SS was young and really really imposing on our lives. The judge felt it wasn't necessary.

Now that my SS is a teen and has his own phone (we paid for the phone, she pays the monthly bill), she is again blowing him up everyday multiple times. We went out as a family one day and SS phone battery died so she kept ringing my DH (she isn't allowed do this per court order) and kept emailing him and eventually phoned the police to do a welfare check because her teen son didn't reply to her in 2 hours.

Lawyers had to get involved again and she isn't allowed contact him during our time unless it's actually important. The poor kid was so so stressed about how quick he had to respond to her
.

Whyarepeople · 27/01/2026 12:43

Is there a court order around contact?

Original poster
ellie09 · 27/01/2026 12:43

BudgetBuster · 27/01/2026 12:36

Absolutely not unreasonable in the slightest.
Unfortunately this happens with kids from about age 7 into early teens sometimes with a split household.

My stepson used to do it all the time too. My husband would get phone calls, texts, emails from my SS mothers that were just profoundly untrue and purposely my SS would play one parent off the other.

It was tough but we just stood our ground that Mom's rules were hers and our rules were ours and its perfectly fine for those to be different. It's no different to kids learning rules for school or sports.

We always let Mom know if SS was ill (e.g. DH would contact her and say SS has a mild cough and is taking X cough bottle, and she should get some for when he arrives back. Or if he needed a GP visit, my DH would say what was wrong and that he'd update her after GP etc)... so it was always evident we weren't neglectful of his health.

Only in recent months had SS now a teen tried to make plans during our access and we always shut them down. His Stepdad has often driven the 20 minutes to our village only to be sent home again because we have our own family and our own plans.

Unless you need and specifically ask for help... the only thing you need to respond to your Ex is "Hi, Childs name does not need medication, obviously if this changes I will of course give some. He is fine. I do not need help with childcare today. He'll see you on your access days and you can arrange a visit with your family during your access time"

Always repeat the same thing.

This is 100% what this is like for us at the moment.

He likes to tell his dad that I always drink wine (I have some at the weekend, some weeks, but not even once a week) and that I have nothing for him to do at my house when he has every technology device, a cupboard full of games and toys etc.

Its absolutely draining.

But yes, I think you're right. I just need to be firm in my decisions with ex husband moving forward.

OP posts:
RMAC67 · 27/01/2026 12:40

ellie09 · 27/01/2026 12:34

Yep, would have him alternative Friday/Saturday then once every two weeks on Sunday due to his work hours.

Taking his phone away will only solve so much, as if his dad rings him from my phone, the same thing happens. However, I also dont want to take away phone calls from his dad, if I can

Show quote history

At least you can monitor it better if it’s via your phone, stay in earshot and cut it off if you think he’s being manipulative. I think you need to set firmer boundaries with an ex who is abusive. He’s undermining you, and If they don’t stop it, then no contact on ‘your’ days.

BudgetBuster · 27/01/2026 12:36

Absolutely not unreasonable in the slightest.
Unfortunately this happens with kids from about age 7 into early teens sometimes with a split household.

My stepson used to do it all the time too. My husband would get phone calls, texts, emails from my SS mothers that were just profoundly untrue and purposely my SS would play one parent off the other.

It was tough but we just stood our ground that Mom's rules were hers and our rules were ours and its perfectly fine for those to be different. It's no different to kids learning rules for school or sports.

We always let Mom know if SS was ill (e.g. DH would contact her and say SS has a mild cough and is taking X cough bottle, and she should get some for when he arrives back. Or if he needed a GP visit, my DH would say what was wrong and that he'd update her after GP etc)... so it was always evident we weren't neglectful of his health.

Only in recent months had SS now a teen tried to make plans during our access and we always shut them down. His Stepdad has often driven the 20 minutes to our village only to be sent home again because we have our own family and our own plans.

Unless you need and specifically ask for help... the only thing you need to respond to your Ex is "Hi, Childs name does not need medication, obviously if this changes I will of course give some. He is fine. I do not need help with childcare today. He'll see you on your access days and you can arrange a visit with your family during your access time"

Always repeat the same thing.

Original poster
ellie09 · 27/01/2026 12:34

RMAC67 · 27/01/2026 12:32

Take the phone off him all together. It’s a nice idea, but he’s too young. You’re giving your ex a means to control you, too.
Do you have a co parenting schedule? Stick
to that.

Yep, would have him alternative Friday/Saturday then once every two weeks on Sunday due to his work hours.

Taking his phone away will only solve so much, as if his dad rings him from my phone, the same thing happens. However, I also dont want to take away phone calls from his dad, if I can

OP posts:
RMAC67 · 27/01/2026 12:32

Take the phone off him all together. It’s a nice idea, but he’s too young. You’re giving your ex a means to control you, too.
Do you have a co parenting schedule? Stick
to that.