Friends response to honesty

I woke up this mornign and felt guilty as he had sent me 2 emails overnight. I think he might have been a bit pissed tbh as they were rambling. Id responded just after 8am to say that I dont want to hear from him in the near future and perhaps forever as Im just so done being the person he off-loads to and then gets punished for trying to help. I asked him in the email to do me the courtesy of respecting my boundaries and not contacting me again - that if I wanted to be in touch with him that I would initiate contact. When he hadnt responded by 11am I had a glimmer of hope that he had finally respected a boundary. That was until just after 11.30 when I got an epic sized email from him about how sorry he was but that he was struggling etc etc and that he is meeting the lady again today to tell her its over finally etc etc. I totally ignored it.

L met me for lunch today and said that J had called to her home uninvited and told her what happened when we met. He downplayed it by saying I had massively overreacted when he told me it was none of my business etc etc that I had been ranting about it etc. L apparently told him she doubted it but why not call me there and then and ask? He was of course reluctant so she basically told him to fk off and stop minimising his behaviour and also not to talk to her again about anythign to do wiht "that married loser you are dating". When she told me this I felt ok then to give her the run down of what actually happened - to say she was shocked was an understatement. I dont think J will darken her door for a bit as she let me know that she called him after our lunch and told him exactly what she thought of him. he will end up with no friends soon if he keeps on behaving this way. his choice and his loss at the end of the day.

I don’t think he would turn up at mine as DH would physically eject him - which he knows. I do feel
sorry for him but he won’t help himself and he has pissed me off completely. I hope for his sake he finally leaves that toxic relationship in the past but I doubt it.

im actually relived if im honest - i kept trying for such a long time to find ways of helping him - its good to be able to walk away and not feel bad.

If I respond to him at all - even to tell him that he’s only upset because it’s true- it will give him an opening to open the conversation back up. He is calling me non stop so I’ve blocked him - for now at least- as I just don’t have the headspace for him.

I agree that he needs therapy and I’ve encouraged home to do just that - I actually offered him money to help pay for some sessions which he refused. I can’t do anymore and I’m content with that. I behaved like a friend he didn’t want to accept that. He made his choice to treat me as he did and the consequence is that I’m not around for him now. It’s sad but not my fault and I can walk away now or permanently with the knowledge that I tried my best.

Thanks for responding. I was voicing concerns long before that - the fact that she didnt seem to want to do anything out in the open with him, no meals unless they were quite a distance away from where we live, always talk of the "crazy" ex who had to be kept happy because of the (teenage) children. She would only correspond with my friend via whatsapp as that cannot be traced via a mobile phone billl (her husband of course still had access to her phone bill etc etc) the list goes on. He would leave and she would make a grand gesture of going for an appointment with a divorce solicitor but strangely nothing would come of it. Or a declaration of wanting to spend a weekend with my friend but that weekend would never materialise due to work pressures etc. Just non stop shit!.

Its hard to have respect for someone who not only allows themselves to be treated like that but is actively nasty when you are trying to help. I honestly feel like the friendship is done for me but I am saying very little now as I know I am quite upset and not in a good place for making decisions. What I do know is that it will be a long time before I am in contact with him if ever.

I couldnt agree more about what he owes her but its really just an excuse for him to let her sweet talk him around again. She is so blatant in her disrespect of him that its quite shocking. I honestly dont have anymore to give him. I was chatting to my DH about it and he has said that J is just wanting an emotional punchbag, that the aggression towards me is the last straw, honestly if you had seen him the bistro, a staff member came over as I was getting up to leave - J was leaning across the table at this stage - to ask if everything was ok and asked J to keep his voice down etc. As I was walking out the door he actually stood up to continue shouting. He has started to call me this afternoon - 4 missed calls so far - this is after me telling him I didnt want to chat.

I totally understand that he is in a bad place with this relationship but I cant help him and more to the point he doesnt want me to help him. He wants me to collude in the farce that he has created in his mind. L has said she will talk to him as she knows somethign has gone amiss between him and I. ~I rarely have cross words with anyone, im seen as placid and measured but Im not a doormat and I fear he has truly burned his bridges with me. As for him thinking I have designs on him, he has no reason to think that whatsoever as even as young 20 somethings when both single I never had an attraction to him that way, nor he I.

Gd only knows what he is thinking mind you as he clearly isnt rationale at the minute. Meantime his ladyfriend has apparnetly been spotted grocery shopping as a family at the weekend (information courtesy of L)!.

I have tried to steer the conversation away from this topic numerous times but he is generally upset and always wants to talk it through. I just dont think I can chat to him at all, not for a while at least

Im upset as he was aggressive. Im not a child annoyed at someone having a different opinion. And if he is worried about me - well good - he should be. I was a good friend to him and he has ruined that for himself.

im not inclined to speak to him going forward so that might take care of itself

I have always told him I was concerned about him in that relationship. that has been a theme throughout however I never wanted him to feel that he had no one to chat to. He most definitely is hurt from the relationship and once confided when drunk that he knows she is bad for him however drunk J and sober J are 2 different people. When we met the other night he had wanted to meet in my house for coffee which is usually fine however I could tell by his voice that there had been problems again and so I purposely suggested a local bistro as my DC were around (unusually) that evening and I didnt want anyone overhearing or interuppting.

I also knew that if he said he had left her again that I was going to be so direct with him. Ive counted via texts and he has left her over 9 times since they started - its a chaotic relationship but he seems unable to leave it. I could have accepted him being upset at my opinion, albeit its not the first time he has heard it, but wont I wont accept is the aggression.

Strangely another of our friend group L, has called asking if Ive heard from J as he has been blowing up her phone asking to meet. I just said I hadnt heard much but that I was keeping my distance. L immediately responded to say, "no doubt its about that hellish relationship he is in with that user woman!". I just said id keep my own counsel but would be keeping my distance from J for a bit at least. I can tell you if he thinks Im direct, if he told L a quarter of what he has told me then he would see what direct was! she is forthright to the point of brutal at times.

I never viewed him as using me - at that time anyway - as I felt he was a friend who was struggling in one particular area of his life. Of our group Im seen as a person who you can chat to, same as my other friend who is super practical and re-wired another friends house, or the medical person who can stitch up a cut or the finance friend who is great for financial advice. We all play to our strengths and help each other. It has most definitely stopped me wanting to help him though.

I know when you feel deeply for someone that its easy to overlook their behaviour or to try and explain it away. The thing is that he felt it appropriate to lash out at me for trying to be his friend - not the person who is causing him this issue. He is contacting me again, I feel, as he has lost a confidant and someone to lean on rather than me as a person. He may be content to allow someone to mistreat him but Im not. Ive had bad relationships in my youth and am well aware of how confusing and painful it is but I never once blamed my friends for being honest.