Mil told me being hospitalised with pneumonia was a social snub

I’d love the share the benefit of my therapy from a similar MIL 😁

I do understand you’re not ready to hear this. The fact you want to send a thread to her- to righteously correct her bad behavior- demonstrates this in spades. But moving towards detachment is the only way.

her behaviour- and her examples, are a distraction. She can’t face up to her real feelings, so is using distraction by creating drama. It allows her to focus on the argument- being offended, recharging with accusations, waiting for the response, being mad, rather than deal with her feelings

her feelings are likely a deep rooted upset at her son having his own family, and one which runs differently to hers and sits outside of her span of control. This is deeply anxiety inducing. In emotionally unintelligent people, anxiety is managed by control (we all do this to some extent)

Responding is joining in the game, allowing her to distract. Allowing her to feel secure in her upset.

responding is a worse long term outcome for you.

there are ways to deal:

no contact- seems unlikely your DH would do the same so consider how much time will be spent with him nagging and guilt tripping you to see her (this is how he learnt to manage her)

low contact- detach and ignore. Move on. Send a message saying “sorry you feel tho way” and block her email address and phone number or send them to a junk folder.

divorce- consider whether DH is really worth it. Her influence is more powerful than yours because he learnt his behaviours in childhood and they are deeply embedded. This will cause ongoing stress throughout your lives and he is really unlikely to “choose” you (and consider, if he does, how strange that behaviour is- dumping one mother figure for another?)

If you divorce you could be free of this stress within the year. Forever.

Your MIL is a nasty toxic bitch but your husband is your real problem. He doesn't have your back. He could shut this down but his silence and weakness and excuses enables her to keep up this crap behaviour towards and your child. He could insist she treat you with respect and stfu making ableist comments in front of your child. You're the woman he made vows to.

You can go low contact with her. Tell your husband he's free to see her whenever, but you and your kids aren't. I include the kids because she's said nasty things about one in front of them and that's emotional abuse. She's actively harming your child with that crap. Block her.

You don’t have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. He needs to stop being a spineless cockwomble and be on your side.

You're never going to win with your MIL. Nothing you say or do will ever be right or enough and you'll always be in the wrong. You know you're not being unreasonable. I'd be going NC or low contact. If your husband wants to see his parents then he gets himself there on his own steam, and if that means public transport, then so be it. I suspect your MIL is jealous of the fact she's no longer the main female in your husband's life. Your husband needs to back you up though, especially if you're there with him, when she starts making accusations.

From someone who had MIL issues for a couple of years when we first got together (I won’t give too many examples but there’s SO MANY) but she’s used to call my SIL a nickname FDL & when I asked what it stood for she said favourite daughter in law, on our wedding day she said I looked like a prostitute because I was wearing red lipstick, our wedding was very vintage inspired so my makeup was winged eyeliner & red lipstick.

Anyway, my husband (boyfriend at the time) always tried to keep the peace & wouldn’t really say anything as she’d turn on the water works & ask him why he hated her & that I was turning him against her etc. I got to the stage where I said he sorts it out or I’m done. Once he started speaking up for me, telling her it wasn’t acceptable & started pulling away she finally started changing her behaviour. It took a while to sort the relationship with her out, lots of talking & her making changes etc & now 22 years later we all have a great relationship & she’s a completely different person now.

You don’t just have a MIL problem, you have a husband one too & unless he starts standing up for you & getting her to change then I don’t think there’s a way to get through it unfortunately. He’s just as much of an issue as she is…

Yes… don’t play her game. She’s had a lifetime of it.
re your husband - he may need help to break away from a lifetime of a controlling relationship. We all know it’s difficult for women to leave a controlling partner, and there is much advice on the Relationships board. Some of the same dynamics may apply here. You might want to have this thread moved there rather than AIBU where you may get unhelpful posts rather than constructive helpful ones.

You will not change her so focus on your reactions.
Short term have a running bet with yourself on what opinion will be offered and find humor to laugh at her in your head (only)

Have a chat with DH and agree a process and pick a line eg

I am not discussing that.
Or
Thanks for your opinion. Etc

And stick to it.
Each time every time.

And if she continues walk away go home etc.

I’d just block and go no contact.

your dh needs to grow a back bone and support you in your decision.

No stop it you are getting entrenched in the drama, or addicted to it. You can’t win this . Just step away.

Bloody hell. Who had the ‘worse’ pneumonia is beside the point, you were too ill to go and that’s an end of it.
She sounds like an unpleasant woman who resents any loss of power and control over her son. He really needs to man up and be a true partner, she doesn’t own him and he chose you.

shes playing childish games wirh him because image wants him back. she’d be happy to split you up to get him. hes the one that needs to say stop to her. not pander.

Oh I wouldn't be bothering with her ever again. It's not your fault your husband doesn't drive but I wouldn't be doing anything to facilitate him (let alone the DC) seeing them going forward. He can get himself there on public transport if he really wants to visit. Putting all your perceived shortcomings down in an email says an awful lot about her. What on earth did she think would happen - did she honestly think you'd roll over, apologise and say you'd try to do better in future?

You have as much of a husband problem as a MIL problem, then.

You have a husband problem.

I'd have no problem blocking this horrible woman, your H can see her alone. What a bitch.

Well she’s clearly so self-obsessed and horrible that reasoning with her isn’t likely to work.
What does your DH have to say about the email?

Not excusing her behaviour but have the pair of you been battling for a while ?

Gosh, your MIL would die in a panic if I were her DIL. I once didn't go to a family wedding because I didn't want to, and we didn't see anyone at all for nearly a month after DS was born.

We have had similar behaviour from in-laws where they felt they had the right to say horrendously cruel and abusive things after not agreeing with a decision me and DH made.

We actually ended up going to see a counsellor because we were both really struggling with some guilt around the decision to go low contact with them. The counsellor sat there trying to be devils advocate, help us see their perspective etc for about half an hour - before concluding that the way they’d behaved was appalling and it was very reasonable to set our own boundaries to protect ourselves moving forward. It was such a gratifying weight off our shoulders.

Protecting your own mental wellbeing is an acceptable choice to make.

What does your husband say?

Tell her to fuck off and block her.