Urgent advice needed - caught 14yo daughter on Snapchat, mum isn’t around to help

In addition to the above I would reiterate that as she is a minor, the phone belongs to you and you can have it back at any time if that’s what’s best for her. As her parent you decide what’s in her interests and if that’s having parental controls/no camera access/regular check ins so be it. Mix it up, so if you just track one thing she doesn’t find a way around it. Be involved.

Read the OP again. The reason he is posting here is this isn't an option right now.

You can’t see the issue with a 14 year old sharing inappropriate messages and pictures with another 14 year old?

Sounds like you took exactly the right steps, not sure what posters think messaging her mother would do now.

Keep the phone and frame the conversation about not following the rules set for it's use, ie that it had to be turned in in the evenings. As she didn't follow that rule she isn't mature enough to manage a phone for a while and give it back with more safety settings to prevent things being reinstalled.

Honestly anything else she will likely shut down and go on the defensive in embarrassment, I'm sure she knows she made some stupid decisions so just stick to consequences of breaking the rules as of it were anything else.

Ok. I wouldn't look up advice about online safety advice for teens with the intention of teaching her. But do look it up to see what she has been taught and to facilitate the conversation.

It's a statutory part of the curriculum from primary school and all schools tend to.use similar standardised teaching materials. She'll know everything you'd be able to tell her already and won't appreciate her dad explaining it like she's an idiot.

This didn't happen because she doesn't know about online safety, it happened despite her education because she's 14 and "not stupid" and adults know nothing and because kids never think it'll happen to them and neither do some adults, which is why it continues to happen to all sorts of people.

There have been some great suggestions on this page about how to actually handle it.

Ypu can of course remind her that she already knows all of this and staying calm is crucial.

we have the EE sim for teens, our DS can’t download any apps without it being okayed by one of us on our phones first might be worth looking into that going forward if you don’t want her on social media just now

I also agree with pp you need to contact mum. This is not the kind of thing to deal with alone. The two of you need to discuss and agree what you will do. Think of it as an emergency and that every mum wants to be told about an emergency situation involving their kids immediately. I also think anything involving sex will be easier for your daughter if dealt with by her mother.

I think there are differing approaches with varying degrees of severity attached, depending on the chat and its contents.

Many of the responses on here are very suitable if it's a young boy whom she knows.

However if he's 16 or over and she doesn't know him through school but has met him via this app - it's so different. A friend of mine's DD Y9 was messaging a year 12 like this and ended up meeting him and having sex. She thought he was her boyfriend even though they hadn't met in person due to the messaging. Sex was filmed covertly . This ended up a police case, there were arrests and she had no phone at all for many weeks - mainly because the police had confiscated it.

It''s good you've spotted the possible early conversations as my friends didn't until meetings were set up.
Finding out as much information as possible in the calmest way is the main first approach. Whether she knows the boy, his age and whether she's calling him her boyfriend or not is important info to try and work out.

This.
She is 14, not 4. She is old enough for you to have a conversation about social media, the danger of photo sharing and how to chat with people instead of just reacting.

Also ensure she can't install apps without your approval.
We had strict rules from 12 onwards when Insta became a thing. Rules like only connecting with people she knew in real life, no photos with her face on it, we actually set it so that each photo had to be approved first.

The first thing you need to ask is who is he? Boyfriend fine, stranger met online no.

It's Snapchat she's 14 not 7 i can't see the issue unless he is indeed a 30yr old bloke.

So who is he then go from there.

Do not message her dm who has enough on it isn't a disaster at this stage.

I 100% agree with this.

I would not remove the phone or Snapchat completely as she needs that trust.

The conversation and trust will be way more effective than just coming down on her hard and banning it.

First things first, who is she messaging? Is it a boy at school who she will be seeing today? How does she feel about that? I’m normally all for attendance but it might be worth keeping her at home and taking the day off work (or at least a few hours) and getting to the bottom of this. In the worst case scenarios, you might need to spend some time today talking to the safeguarding team at her school or the Police.

Sounds like a great opportunity to sit down and talk with her about online safety. You need to explain that even Snapchat images and messages aren’t 100% private. But it’s also a good chance to discuss peer pressure and consent. I would make sure not to come across as angry or disappointed in her. I imagine she’s probably already mortified that her dad knows what she’s been doing. But a good open conversation that comes across as concerned would probably be more effective. If she listens and understands, then she gets her phone back, but maybe with more regular checks.

So why post ?

You mean you can't justify! No he should not interrupt her mum at this point.

You need to speak to her, do you have parent controls on her phone?

Let her know that once a picture is on the internet it is always going to be there for anyone to see it, regardless if it was sent as a private message. Ask her who she was speaking with, is it someone she's knows IRL or is it someone she has met over the internet? You need to see the messages to see if this is something she has done voluntarily or is she has been coerced and take it from there. If she was talked into it then you need to speak to the police. And report it to Snapchat as she is underage

I would keep the phone until you have a plan - let her know that she can have the phone back once you've thought about what to do. Ask for her to come to you if she has any suggestions. If she is keen to have the phone back she may surprise you with what she comes up with.

Then give it back depending on how a discussion with her goes and her level of understanding.

I would just be very honest and open with her that Snapchat is fine to use to talk to people she knows but it is used by scammers and predatory men.

These people will pretend to be young boys or girls and are very clever at gaining trust and then eventually will get them to send photos and once they’ve received the photos then they can edit them or use them against them.
Snapchat is meant to be ‘safe’ so if you send a photo it tells the other person if it’s been saved or screenshotted but these scammers and pedophiles are very clever and use special technology or second phones to get around it.

Whatever she does she must not send pictures because once they’re sent she can’t take it back.

I used to watch catfish with my DD to show just how clever these people were (and because I enjoyed it).

I would give her phone back on the basis that you’re giving her another chance and that you trust her enough to make good choices.
At 14 if you push too hard she will pull in the opposite direction, so she needs rules but at the same time a bit of freedom.

This is not an easy age and I think you’re handling it brilliantly.
Do not be too hard but do repeat the dangers of talking online.

You need to find out whether it's someone she knows or a random who could be way older than her.
Share the dangers of being prosecuted for distribution of child pornography ! And for her opening herself up to revenge porn or sextortion .
Huge effect on her mental and physical health.
Say you need to safeguard her so will install parent apps and every night you will take her phone or reserve the right to go through it any time you guys feel. You can ask her what else she thinks is appropriate and come up with a plan together to be responsible.
Ask her how's she's feeling and self esteem etc

Plan some dad daughter days in going for meals or trying hobby classes together to build herself up.

Please don’t do this.

If it’s an iPhone it’s very easy to set up parental controls. In the meantime, as others have said, you need to talk to her. Explain that it’s about protecting her, not getting her in trouble. Ask questions. Let her talk. Then come up with a plan together. Once you’re sure she’s safe and you have a good picture of what’s going on, then decide whether to give her phone back. But don’t feel pressured to. She’s proved she’s not using it responsibly.

We have parental controls set up on our dc’s phones,they have to get permission off us to install anything,also their phones shut off automatically at 9pm.

There was a post on another thread recently that listed the worst (top) social media platforms for paedophiles targeting and grooming children and adolescents. Snapchat was at the top with Roblox. Dies she even know the person/people she is sending images to in real life?

ETA link: www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cze3p1j710ko

Most teens communicate via Snapchat these days, the issue is her sending images of herself. You can have a conversation about that with her, just like I have with my son. Talk to her about the dangers of how photos can be used and remind her that boys shouldn’t be asking for pictures. Giving her the phone back can start the conversation.

Is this a boy she knows or a stranger? Both have risks but different ones.

Were the images explicit?

Her mum needs to know as well and you should discuss your approach together. I’d feel ok keeping the phone for now, pending that discussion. It’s a shame you deleted everything as you now have no way to know for sure what’s gone on.