Urgent advice needed - caught 14yo daughter on Snapchat, mum isn’t around to help

1. How do I talk about online safety and sharing pictures without it being awkward or scary?

@User1978x it needs to be scary. There was a thread only a week or so ago from a mother of a 14 yo boy who had been scammed - persuaded to upload inappropriate pictures of himself and was then being blackmailed. The first she knew about it was spotting money going out of his account.

Your daughter needs to know never to upload anything to the internet (even Snapchat) that she wouldn't want her grandma (or head teacher) to see.

You need to talk to her ASAP as the shame will be setting in and could affect her for life, especially since it's her dad who discovered it. Your silence is speaking volumes that you haven't intended. She's thinking you're disgusted with her and that she's an embarrassing mess. Talk to her!!!

I sent you a private message.

I'm sure they are taught this at school not to be distributing images of themselves and the dangers, exploitation. You need to find out wether she voluntary done it or coherced into doing it. I know when my neice was doing similar posting images in her undies she was voluntary doing it for attention for likes and comments. Her mother was the opposite snd angry asking how did I manage to find her page. Which was from a parent of 13yr old boy who's mother was concerned about what my neice was posting My own daughters gad been blocked from viewing her page. I reported it as she was underage but she just made another. Her dad, my brother had passed away a few year ago

My daughter was bullied at 12 to sending a picture of the lower region, to a girl in her class. I went to school, got no where. Went to the police because of where picture may end up. Her brothers are same age as my sons, approx 15 at time. Police interviewed her as both, a victim and a porn supplier.
My reaction may seem extreme, but I didn't want it too appear in years time and be black mailed over it.
My advice is talk it all through, explain the rights and wrongs. If need be go to the recipient and family.

Well said! .. talk to her .. not down to her .. be a friend as well as a mother.

One of the best things my parents said to me (although it was about smoking then!) .. was if you want to do it fine, we won't stop you .. but before you make up your mind, this and this are the consequences.My brother got the same .. and neither of us did.

I think because we were given the choice and treated as adults. . We were made aware of the risks (again for smoking .. but pictures now are online forever or can be shared amongst mates / websites etc and can haunt later in life if surface when in an important job) .. give her phone back, sit down and talk as a friend treating their friend as an adult.

Explain you care and are there for her .. it's her choice (because if she wants to she will) you just want to make it safe for her and explain the risks .. good luck

I agree with the sensible comments on here. I just want to add that because of AI it is very easy to generate fake explicit photos. Should some of the photos leak to the school, I would deny having taken them and blame the perv for using AI. We've all done stupid things when we were young (at least speaking for myself I was just lucky it was in thr predigital age). I think as you talk to your daughter it is important not to shame her but acknowledge that fact. 14 year olds are vulnerable but if whoever it is tries to use it against her she needs to know she has your back

Were they explicit pictures? If they were then straight to the police.

I am couple of year down the road on a very similar scenario and waiting for case to be brought to court.

1. Make uninterrupted time, just the two of you. explain briefly why you responded as you did.
2. listen. Ask who was involved, what happened, how she feels about it. Find out age of boy. Find out how she knows him - in real life/online etc. get enough info to find out how much actual or potential risk there is in the situation.
3. acknowledge it may be uncomfortable for her to talk to her Dad about this, but that for her own safety and wellbeing, you are asking her to be as honest and complete as possible.
4. explain the next steps you will take - eg installing parental controls on phone, conversation with mum when she returns. Put in place a timeline for next steps if you feel something has to be investigated about the person she was snap chatting. Explain them is for her to be self-managing and safe online when she is an independent adult and that you want to help her get to that point.

What are you on about?

I was asking because if my child was in the bathroom for an hour my go to wouldn’t be to check their phone. It would be to check they were ok and not unwell etc etc. I wouldn’t say why were you in the bathroom for an hour let me check your phone. I certainly wouldn’t do it with their sibling present.

Thankfully they care enough to keep tabs on what a 14 year old child is up to. If all parents took this attitude I dread to think what could happen regarding sharing explicit photos online. It beggars belief anyone would have this opinion. Their phones should be checked & checked again. At this impressionable age if the child accidentally leaves a diary open in their room, check that too.

Lol

1. How do I start the conversation without her clamming up or feeling attacked?

1. Should I give her phone back? I’m thinking maybe yes, but with clear rules and monitoring? Or keep it a few more days?

1. How do I talk about online safety and sharing pictures without it being awkward or scary?

Talk with your child before she has the phone back.
My favourite space for potentially awkward and embarrassing conversations is in the car when whichever teen child I'm talking with is in the front seat next to me. You don't have to make eye contact and no one can escape! Haha! But seriously, it has been useful in the past. Especially if you're giving her a lift somewhere.

I get why you don't want to give more information but I think it's important to be clear about the legal side of what we share in messages, if there are photos being shared etc. It's illegal under 18 to make, distribute, possess, or show "indecent" photos, even selfies. There's more info and detail and advice on how to talk about this element on the childlawadvice.org.uk website if you search "sexting".

I know some of my son's teammates have experienced sextortion after sharing photos via messaging so his sports team have had some good conversations about it with the coaches involved to help support, advise and mentor. This is terrifying as a mum of teen boys and the last thing I'd want is for them to feel too embarrassed to say anything.

Talk about her digital footprint. I know snapchats or snaps or whatever disappear but can they still be screenshot? Or someone could photograph a screen with another device. How much does she trust this other person.

Be open and honest about not having the same tech when you were her age.

14 is young. My youngest is 14. But I've still had these conversations with my older son. It might be a different kind of inappropriate so sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

You're right to give your wife space with her grief and to take the lead on this conversation. Do talk with her about it but in a way that reassures her that you've got this, you'll take the lead on it. It sounds like you're looking for advice and signposting so you'll come to it with knowledge and understanding and from what you say I think you've got your daughter's best interests at heart. You're not being overly reactionary.

Good luck.

ffs 🙄

I’m sorry, this stuff is among my worst fears. It’s a shame you deleted it without reading the chat. You lost the opportunity to understand what was going on to help you discuss it with her. I understand; normally we would give privacy to other people’s sexual encounters but she is 14 and immature, and needs education about what is ok. You also could have done with assessing whether the other person was who she thought them to be. This all need discussed head on and not skirted around, with sensitivity to her feelings but don’t let any awkwardness on yours or her part let you avoid facing the issue.

I admit I am more of a hard liner when it comes to situations like this. I would have immediately confiscated her phone & grounded her along with no pocket money etc. This would also include a long serious chat about the dangers of sharing inappropriate photos online & how she could be exploited sexually & is this what she wants in the future.

I'm sorry to hear about mums bereavement but if it was me I'd put my daughters wellbeing first & involve her immediately. Situations like this can escalate & there's no benefit to be had by tiptoeing around.

Agree.
Really hammer home that she isn’t just sharing photos with a boy, she is sharing them with the entire world. His mates, their brothers, her teachers, everyone. And that photos don’t disappear, they can be out there forever. Has nobody told her this before ? I’ve talked multiple times with my teenagers about the stupidity (and illegality) of pictures.
14 is really tricky. Old enough to feel like a young adult, but not actually being a young adult, in fact still a child with poor decision making, vulnerable to peer pressure and the desire to be liked.

Not what you have asked, but can I ask:

Why does it matter if you DD was in the bathroom for an hour?

Why when she was, did you and your other DD decide to check her phone?

Contact school. It's a safeguarding issue. Cover your own arse here and make sure she has alternative sources of support within school. This also means the school can have some serious chats over the subject as the message isn't getting through about how serious this is.

More so if the boy is also at the same school.

If you think nudes or partial nudes are involved I would also consider talking to the police too even if she consented. You don't know what has happened to those images. They will be able to sign post you and offer advice if nothing else. It doesn't necessarily mean you criminalise either child.

They both need a good talking to. There's no good in you just talking to your daughter. The boy needs safeguarding if he's the same age as her and if he's older he needs dealing with for inappropriate behaviour.

Take it seriously. Don't minimise.

sorry clicked unreasonable by mistake, you are really not being unreasonable

If she has shared intimate images of herself, then I would recommend looking online for "So U Got Naked Online". It's a really helpful leaflet, and from memory (from my time working in Children's Services and responding to referrals relating to this kind of thing) is written in very teen-friendly language and helps to understand and mitigate and consequences of image sharing.

Maybe the other thing to stress is that people are really nasty. Sharing an image of yourself opens you up to the possibility that many, many strangers will at some point be sneering at it, perhaps publicly, however beautiful you are. That might help to put her off!

I assume she meant that as this is serious both parents should be aware .... Going through grief or not ..... I agree both parents should be informed in this as it is a serious issue

This is a good post!
OP start from this point with dd and also do some online research. It's an ongoing issue for those with teenagers.
She's 14, it' ok for you to step in and check what she's doing online- if she's concerned about her privacy, then tell her not to do anything online that she wouldn't want to share with you and her mum. It's a tricky balance at this age, and snapchat is vile imo. Consider whether you should ban it as it's impossible to monitor.
Did she know the person she was chatting to in real life?