To be pissed at DP's long hours in new job

YANU it’s a new job and he’s probably got a lot to learn and trying to get up to speed.
Maybe see if he can agree to have one or two days where he finishes on time, but give him a break for now.
If it really drives you mental arrange to go out a couple of times and let him do dinner, clear up and kid routine. Force him off the laptop!

I think you’re being unreasonable, as this is a new role with a significant pay increase so I’d personally want to show willing too. Mealtimes is fair enough to draw a boundary. Do you work yourself, OP? What’s the kid situation like? All of these are relevant factors.

I actually sympathise with you here. I am currently in the same situation with 2 children with SEN. We had a great work-life balance before with his previous job but taking a higher paid - much longer working hours is having such an impact at home as we now don't see him much (1 day a week if we are lucky) No afternoons or mornings.

I can't seem to ever spend time with him without him answering calls and being on the laptop, everything is now focused around his work. Granted - he's happy and I am happy for him too, just me and the kids are finding it really difficult to adjust.

It may take some time? - but you're not wrong in how you're feeling. My only advice is to speak about how you feel with him, and to give it time.

Do you have any kids together? If he's skipping out on helping with them i can see how its annoying, but as others have said expecting him to be ridged in a 9-5 isnt realistic (having laptop out at dinner table is shit in all circumstances)

However if its a case of you are just a bit bored and want his undivided attention i think you need to get him some slack and be a bit more supportive of his new job.

What do you do for a living?

If he is doing this to get up to speed with his new role, then fair enough.

If he is doing it to make a good impression at the start but intends to go back to more normal work hours at some point, you might want to remind him that when he does that it will probably be seen as him slacking off and possibly losing interest in the job. That will negate all the effort he has put in.

Also, if it is a work laptop his employer may have a monitoring system which records when he is active. If he is working these long hours to keep on top of his work (rather than just learning the new role) then they might question his ability if he cannot do what needs to be done in the normal working day, which presumably predecessors have.

I’d draw the line at the laptop during meal times so from that perspective you are not being unreasonable. Tbh if he’s just started a new job and it’s a much bigger role there will probably be a lot he needs to get his head around and perhaps training to be done. If he’s earning a good six figure salary it’s a given he won’t be working the standard 9-5. My husband is in an exec role, is contracted to 37 hours per week but given he has a global role is on call 24/7 and regularly works 50 hours per week. His pay reflects the responsibility. It’s normal for professional senior roles.

What do you and what does he do?

My DH and I need to be "on" and contactable across multiple timezones.
I was working from 9-10pm last night after both kids went to sleep this is absolutely normal in our house.

My.DH is often proofing decks or writing non urgent emails between 9-10 weeknights.

Occasionally we do a few hours on weekends

Do you also work?

Depends what the job is.
highly paid jobs in many private sectors are absolutely not 9-5 jobs, there is expectation to be available way outside these hours and I can’t believe you didn’t know that, have you lived under a rock?
there absolutely no angle “show your good time management skills by finishing at 5”.
There are obviously time management and prioritisation skills necessary but they are not tied to 5 pm finish

Another depends here.
H is in decent salary job and is looking to go up to the next band skills (and pay bump) rise. Which means long hours at a laptop, he’s not even getting back until around 10pm ish office days.

If you want the money, and the potential of more money, as a household you both need to put in longer hours, him at a laptop you at home. Or both at a laptop and more paid help at home.

It’s just how it is for everyone.

If this is a good opportunity, of course he wants to get up to speed as fast as possible. I suspect things will calm down after a few months

I am not on a high salary/senior job but am taking on a new role and as it’s something I’ve never done before I do spend some time reading up around it in the evenings so I’m not struggling to keep my head above the water when I actually start.

Once I’m more confident at it and I’ve proven myself then I won’t need to do this.

I used to be a teacher though so evening work was pretty standard.

YABU. I think this is the opposite to a thread where the husband is basically paid hourly but taking it upon himself to attend meetings and create work for himself that isn't necessary.
You mention a big opportunity and big pay rise, so to me that is going to require him to work hard and longer hours. As many people have said in the first month he is likely to need to do training and learn new systems.
I always feel this is where people sometimes have to compromise - high salary jobs require effort and long hours whereas working in lower paid jobs means you might not work so many hours but then have more free time (but no money to do anything in it!).

As long as he’s doing his share of chores and parenting etc then it’s fine.

It sounds like he’s just excited about his new role and wants to get ahead of himself so he’s not dropping the ball and making a good impression.

I definitely spend more hours in a new role to get my head around certain things and to make it easier on myself, not just to make a good impression.

He needs to be careful he’s not setting the expectations too high but that’s not your concern anyway.

I think this is quite normal for work with greater pay or even merely greater opportunities to progress after a few years.

Many professional or graduate jobs have this expectation that your hours are defined by what you still have to get done that day and not your contract. My DH regularly works some hours in the weekend, and 9 hours daily. He might also have to take calls on holiday. His timings are determined by how quickly a deal needs to get done. When I worked a higher paid job I would usually work 8-30 to 6-00 or later if out and about and occasionally some time over weekends ( rare). My timings were determined on how quickly I could get to speak to people who might not be available to talk until the evening or where I was sent and how long it took to get back.

I do the opposite - set the boundary from the start that I'm going to do a very good job during my working hours but working extra hours is by exception in a crisis. Works for me and my last three roles have been high earning senior roles. Generally once you set the expectation you’ll work all the hours god sends it’s very hard to pull back.

Is there perhaps someone he’s wanting to keep in touch with at his new place of work?

This would be absolutely normal for someone starting a senior role where I work.

If it’s a big money job and/or high level of responsibility then he is probably just getting up to speed and I think this is to be expected initially. Should settle in several months.

I’m always like this when I start a new job, especially leadership roles. You put a lot of hours in to make a good impression, and then you can step back a little once you feel confident in the role.

I agree in setting some boundaries like no laptops at dinner, but otherwise it seems relatively normal, and what would be expected with a high salary job.

Do you have DC?

Depends on him walking round being all important and using it as an excuse to get out of home life, or he’s genuinely happy and loves his job and is enthusiastic.

i think you need to adjust and wait this out, id be happy as Larry if my DH was like this, i think hes lazy at his job and hes lost a few jobs and that creates more stress for me.

As PP have said, IME well paid jobs are never neatly time bound (9-5:30 or similar). Having said that, its a skill in a well paid job to draw and maintain boundaries (within reason, exceptions always apply etc) which allow you to have a life.

He's just started. I also would be doing what he is doing to get to know the place, the work, systems. I would give him three months to get his feet under the table, and then if he hasn't spontaneously improved by that time, have a conversation about what you need.

Agree with other PP, it would be fine for you to set some boundaries right now, too: no laptop at the dinner table, present for the children when he's in the room, one date night, contributing to household chores. If he's doing all of that but also then working til 11 pm then roll with it while he settles in.

He has to be careful what expectations he sets.

The work is infinite. Doing more of it doesn't get you any closer to finishing.

If he's reading up on practises/familiarising himself and that's only going to really need to be done this intensely once, then that's fine. If he's actually doing the day to day all evening too, then that burns you out.

I've had to stop doing that - people had come to expect instant responses 6am-10pm and it was tipping me over the edge. Now I've pulled back on that - fast responses, and nothing non-urgent outside of working hours.

It would be very unusual for a well-paid job to have clearly defined hours. I’m afraid this sounds normal to me, especially in the early months of a new role.

How much does he earn? What is his job? I am on 6 figures and it’s definitely not a normal hours kind of job. That said I don’t work after 7pm or weekends unless it’s an exception.

How much does he earn? It’s all relative.