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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend more time with SD2 than SD1?

41 replies

CatherineFR · 25/01/2026 21:07

I have two SDs. The younger shares some of my interests, is quite like me in temperament, and is a pleasure to be around. The eldest is a lovely girl, but we have very little in common and whilst I love her, I don’t find her as easy to be around.

A few months ago, I asked if they’d like to come to my Saturday morning yoga class with me (other kids attend but it’s taken seriously), and SD1 messed around and talked throughout it and mocked the teacher afterwards, then tried to get me to take her on a shopping trip afterwards.

SD2 asked if she could come again yesterday, so I took her and we had a lovely time. SD1 is now upset about it (she said she didn’t want to come yesterday) and wants to come whenever SD2 comes.

I don’t want to take her. AIBU?

OP posts:
ShawnaMacallister · 26/01/2026 05:28

Imisscoffee2021 · 26/01/2026 04:04

I guess it comes down to, if they were your bio kids you'd have to treat them equally, so why not extend that to your SDs. For example, my son loves tractors. I suspect he always will. I don't love them, but have I been to many tractor shows and watched hours of tractor ted? Yes I have, because he loves it and wants to share it with me

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But yoga isn't a treat for SD2. It's something OP does, that SD2 also enjoys. OP is not obliged to find an equivalent for SD1 because it's not about fairness or treating them. It's very simple and everyone is making it more than it is.

Original poster
CatherineFR · 26/01/2026 04:14

Imisscoffee2021 · 26/01/2026 04:04

I guess it comes down to, if they were your bio kids you'd have to treat them equally, so why not extend that to your SDs. For example, my son loves tractors. I suspect he always will. I don't love them, but have I been to many tractor shows and watched hours of tractor ted? Yes I have, because he loves it and wants to share it with me

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I treat them all fairly. This doesn’t always mean equally.

SD2 loves football. For the past six years I’ve spent countless hours on the muddy sidelines and feigning interest in matches on TV. I’ve bought her kit, I’ve played in the park, I’ve listened to her talk about it, I’ve often had it on the radio in my car. She’s not in any way disadvantaged or neglected because I don’t want to take her to yoga.

OP posts:
SwayzeM · 26/01/2026 04:13

If they were my kids, bio or not, I wouldn't be taking a 12 year old child who had been rude to the yoga teacher. If she can't behave properly she doesn't come. Only taking SD 1 isn't favouritism. It's teaching her that poor behaviour has consequences, and at 12 years of age she should understand what is acceptable and what isn't.

kiwiane · 26/01/2026 04:06

She blew her chance and considering her personality it’s nice for SD2 to get this time with you. There’s no need to reward bad behaviour.

Imisscoffee2021 · 26/01/2026 04:04

CatherineFR · 25/01/2026 21:47

Do I really have to offer her hours of my weekend to herself though? What she’d choose would be a shopping trip or cinema to see a teen film, which I have no interest in.

Show quote history

I guess it comes down to, if they were your bio kids you'd have to treat them equally, so why not extend that to your SDs. For example, my son loves tractors. I suspect he always will. I don't love them, but have I been to many tractor shows and watched hours of tractor ted? Yes I have, because he loves it and wants to share it with me

Hmmmnmmn · 26/01/2026 03:56

I'd leave SD1 at home telling her that mocking the teacher and messing around isn't really getting the point of it so you can give her another chance next year.
Sounds like SD2 might flourish in an environment without her sister. You definitely do not have to feel guilty about it.

ShawnaMacallister · 26/01/2026 03:49

Of course you don't need to take SD1. Presumably she'll be with her dad and brother while you're at yoga? And you don't need to offer her a trip or activity instead. Honestly.

Original poster
CatherineFR · 26/01/2026 03:42

lazyarse123 · 25/01/2026 23:47

What would you do if they were your biological children and you had different interests? You have to find a way to be fair to bith.

I’d take the one that would behave and enjoy it, and not take the one that wouldn’t. And I’d expect the other to accept no for an answer without sulking!

My own son would like to come, but I’ve said no, because he’s too young and it won’t be relaxing for me. I might change my mind when he’s older.

SD1 has a very dominant, extrovert attitude and likes to rule the roost, particularly over SD2. SD2 was thrilled to spend some individual time with me and do something without her sister.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 25/01/2026 23:47

What would you do if they were your biological children and you had different interests? You have to find a way to be fair to bith.

Eenameenadeeka · 25/01/2026 23:41

I think only taking the one that actually wants to do yoga to your class is fine, but you should try your best to spend time with and have a good relationship with both, even if you find one easier to like. I think it's important not to let that show, and try and treat them as equally as you can.

Original poster
CatherineFR · 25/01/2026 22:18

WonderfulUsername · 25/01/2026 22:08

Ages are always relevant.

If for example they were 4 and 6, the mucking around would've been more understandable.

"Do I really have to offer her hours of my weekend to herself though? What she’d choose would be a shopping trip or cinema to see a teen film, which I have no interest in."

No you don't have to.

But you're going to have a very strained relationship with both of them as they get older, if you're only willing to do things that you're interested in.

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I do loads with both of them, sometimes with DH and our son, and sometimes just the three of us. We cook together, I alternate with DH taking SD1 to her football games (SD2 tags along), I decorated their rooms with them, all of my holidays and most of my weekends are with them. SD1 is a much louder character than SD2, so often if we choose an activity or film or restaurant, it’s SD1’s choice.

I also work full-time and going to yoga a few times a week is “my time.”

OP posts:
WonderfulUsername · 25/01/2026 22:08

CatherineFR · 25/01/2026 21:10

Because it’s not relevant? They’re 10 and 12.

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Ages are always relevant.

If for example they were 4 and 6, the mucking around would've been more understandable.

"Do I really have to offer her hours of my weekend to herself though? What she’d choose would be a shopping trip or cinema to see a teen film, which I have no interest in."

No you don't have to.

But you're going to have a very strained relationship with both of them as they get older, if you're only willing to do things that you're interested in.

Original poster
CatherineFR · 25/01/2026 21:47

Haveyouanyjam · 25/01/2026 21:42

You need to have a frank conversation but you can’t just not take her now she’s said she wants to come too. Tell her that her behaviour at the last session made you think she was uninterested in the yoga and if you want to keep coming then you need to take it seriously. Possibly offer to do something else with her instead that is more her interest? And see which option she chooses? Kids aren’t just convenient. Even with biological kids you will have more in common with one than another and you still need to offer your time equally.

Do I really have to offer her hours of my weekend to herself though? What she’d choose would be a shopping trip or cinema to see a teen film, which I have no interest in.

OP posts:
Haveyouanyjam · 25/01/2026 21:42

You need to have a frank conversation but you can’t just not take her now she’s said she wants to come too. Tell her that her behaviour at the last session made you think she was uninterested in the yoga and if you want to keep coming then you need to take it seriously. Possibly offer to do something else with her instead that is more her interest? And see which option she chooses? Kids aren’t just convenient. Even with biological kids you will have more in common with one than another and you still need to offer your time equally.

Original poster
CatherineFR · 25/01/2026 21:10

WonderfulUsername · 25/01/2026 21:09

Why have you left out their ages?

Because it’s not relevant? They’re 10 and 12.

OP posts:
WonderfulUsername · 25/01/2026 21:09

Why have you left out their ages?

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