To spend more time with SD2 than SD1?

CatherineFR · 2026-01-25T21:07:50+00:00

I have two SDs. The younger shares some of my interests, is quite like me in temperament, and is a pleasure to be around. The eldest is a lovely girl, but we have very little in common and whilst I love her, I don’t find her as easy to be around. A few months ago, I asked if they’d like to come to my Saturday morning yoga class with me (other kids attend but it’s taken seriously), and SD1 messed around and talked throughout it and mocked the teacher afterwards, then tried to get me to take her on a shopping trip afterwards. SD2 asked if she could come again yesterday, so I took her and we had a lovely time. SD1 is now upset about it (she said she didn’t want to come yesterday) and wants to come whenever SD2 comes. I don’t want to take her. AIBU?

Blades2 · 29/01/2026 11:36

MeatyMagda · 28/01/2026 21:59

A terrible mother because she is taking one of her SD’s to her yoga class with her 😂

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A terrible mother because she whinged about it being suggested she spends time with them separately, “do I really need to give up some of my weekend for her”
hope that clears that up for you. ✌️

MeatyMagda · 28/01/2026 21:59

Blades2 · 27/01/2026 21:37

Do you think any of us have interest in teen films? No we don’t, but we spend time with our children.
you sound like a terrible mother.

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A terrible mother because she is taking one of her SD’s to her yoga class with her 😂

Blades2 · 27/01/2026 21:37

CatherineFR · 25/01/2026 21:47

Do I really have to offer her hours of my weekend to herself though? What she’d choose would be a shopping trip or cinema to see a teen film, which I have no interest in.

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Do you think any of us have interest in teen films? No we don’t, but we spend time with our children.
you sound like a terrible mother.

pineapplesundae · 27/01/2026 21:13

I suggest take sd2 to yoga and otherwise it’s business as usual. Sd1 doesn’t need to be catered to. I’m sure you go on plenty of shopping trips and you do not need to plan extra ones.

Chloebeeps · 27/01/2026 18:11

Would say it was very relevant OP

Original poster

CatherineFR · 26/01/2026 15:20

outerspacepotato · 26/01/2026 14:16

FAFO.

If SD1 behaves poorly, she can't go. That's the consequence of her bad behaviour. She was disruptive and she's likely not welcome. I'm surprised she wasn't asked to be quiet or for you guys to leave the class. She wasted other people's time and money.

The answer is no.

This is how I feel, too. If spending time with SD1 wasn’t such a blatant cash grab, I’d be more interested in prioritising it. But actions (and behaviour) have consequences!

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outerspacepotato · 26/01/2026 14:16

FAFO.

If SD1 behaves poorly, she can't go. That's the consequence of her bad behaviour. She was disruptive and she's likely not welcome. I'm surprised she wasn't asked to be quiet or for you guys to leave the class. She wasted other people's time and money.

The answer is no.

Original poster

CatherineFR · 26/01/2026 14:12

Newname71 · 26/01/2026 13:09

I think it’s fair enough to just take the one who’s really interested.
I go to a festival most years with DS1 (now 26)
DS2 has asked for a few years to join us and I’ve said no. He’s not into the music and after one day would probably want to go home, he’s admitted I’m right about that.
But I do feel bad about not doing similar things with DS2 (18). He’s been invited by DSis and DBil to a weekend long motorbike meet. I’m tagging along too, not a big fan of bikes but I want to spend the time with my son.

I don’t know if this makes me a Wicked Stepmother, but I don’t really feel bad. SD1 has two involved and loving parents who can ensure they spend one-to-one time with her. I think she’d genuinely rather be with her dad when she’s at our house and that’s fine.

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neilyoungismyhero · 26/01/2026 14:06

If they were my biological children and behaved similarly I'd be telling the one messing about and being disrespectful to crack on and stay home. I wouldn't be spending my time and money on her playing the fool.

Newname71 · 26/01/2026 13:09

I think it’s fair enough to just take the one who’s really interested.
I go to a festival most years with DS1 (now 26)
DS2 has asked for a few years to join us and I’ve said no. He’s not into the music and after one day would probably want to go home, he’s admitted I’m right about that.
But I do feel bad about not doing similar things with DS2 (18). He’s been invited by DSis and DBil to a weekend long motorbike meet. I’m tagging along too, not a big fan of bikes but I want to spend the time with my son.

Original poster

CatherineFR · 26/01/2026 12:55

Imisscoffee2021 · 26/01/2026 12:42

That's all well then, I was more replying to your comment about sd2 wanting shopping or cinema and you said those things dont interest you etc.

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I think relationships in blended families are more complex than it’d be if she was my own, or here full-time. As SD1 gets older, she’s making it quite clear that she doesn’t really rate my company or interests. That’s fine, but she doesn’t get to ruin mine or SD2’s yoga session because she wants to come to brunch for social media content.

I’m aware that saying no to her will probably make her like me even less!

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Imisscoffee2021 · 26/01/2026 12:42

CatherineFR · 26/01/2026 04:14

I treat them all fairly. This doesn’t always mean equally.

SD2 loves football. For the past six years I’ve spent countless hours on the muddy sidelines and feigning interest in matches on TV. I’ve bought her kit, I’ve played in the park, I’ve listened to her talk about it, I’ve often had it on the radio in my car. She’s not in any way disadvantaged or neglected because I don’t want to take her to yoga.

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That's all well then, I was more replying to your comment about sd2 wanting shopping or cinema and you said those things dont interest you etc.

Ablondiebutagoody · 26/01/2026 10:27

It's fine not to take her. You tried, she messed around. I would continue to take the other one only.

Original poster

CatherineFR · 26/01/2026 10:24

shouldofgotamortage · 26/01/2026 09:10

I would speak to dh about her seeing you as a cash cow and tell him your annoyed by it. But yanbu in the slightest to take the SD who doesn’t mess around, i wouldn’t want to take a teenager who mocked the class neither very embarrassing at her age that she can’t be respectful.

We have spoken about it and he’s addressed it with her, but it doesn’t make much difference…

SD1 asked for various of my family member’s phone numbers last year, which we thought was sweet, but it was just to text an expensive birthday present wish with no pleasantries. It was embarrassing.

She’s got many lovely qualities but she’s always been quite mercenary.

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shouldofgotamortage · 26/01/2026 09:10

I would speak to dh about her seeing you as a cash cow and tell him your annoyed by it. But yanbu in the slightest to take the SD who doesn’t mess around, i wouldn’t want to take a teenager who mocked the class neither very embarrassing at her age that she can’t be respectful.

Original poster

CatherineFR · 26/01/2026 08:49

MyGreyQuoter · 26/01/2026 08:14

I think it’s absolutely fine to take one and not the other. You don’t have to even it out with another activity. I guess if their mum treats them exactly the same at all times, that’s what they’re used to. At this age I would expect you to be able to explain that you do things slightly differently to their mum - you want to be fair but that doesn’t mean always being the same.

I would at some point give SD1 another chance. Explain the behaviour you expect and tell her she can have another chance but that if she can’t behave immaculately then she can’t come again. I would also be scrupulous about not showing your preference for SD2. It sounds like they really need to spend time separately so perhaps their dad needs to give that some thought.

We both agree they need to spend time separately and DH has no issue at all with me just taking SD2.

I do think I may be in for some teenage troubles with SD1 though. She openly prefers spending time with her dad over me (which is absolutely fine!) but will always opt for me if I’m going somewhere that might involve buying her stuff. I think she sees me as a bit of a cash cow, and it’s not very nice.

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MyGreyQuoter · 26/01/2026 08:14

I think it’s absolutely fine to take one and not the other. You don’t have to even it out with another activity. I guess if their mum treats them exactly the same at all times, that’s what they’re used to. At this age I would expect you to be able to explain that you do things slightly differently to their mum - you want to be fair but that doesn’t mean always being the same.

I would at some point give SD1 another chance. Explain the behaviour you expect and tell her she can have another chance but that if she can’t behave immaculately then she can’t come again. I would also be scrupulous about not showing your preference for SD2. It sounds like they really need to spend time separately so perhaps their dad needs to give that some thought.

PurpleThistle7 · 26/01/2026 08:02

I don’t think I’d say it needs to be even but every once in a while you should try to have 1:1 time. She might be easier without her sibling there too. So maybe every few months you take her ice skating or to a musical or out for brunch just on her own. But having a child who wants to tag along to something you’re doing anyway and being fair about it not being right for the older girl or your son seems fine to me.

I have two kids - my daughter loves musicals and theatre so we go a lot. My son hates it and stays home with my husband. Every once in a while I take him bowling or similar as he loves that.

MeatyMagda · 26/01/2026 07:58

It’s your ‘thing’ which you have kindly extended an invite to DSDs to get involved in. DS2 meaningfully wants to get involved and DS1 took the piss when she went. Why should you have to organise a whole other activity for DSD1 that you don’t want to do, to compensate her for not wanting to be involved in your activity? Some precious parents get ‘fairness’ really twisted, especially when it’s step children.

One of my DC will come on runs with me and one doesn’t want to. I don’t feel the need to scrabble around to arrange a treat for him for not coming with us - the treat is not having to run!

ShetlandishMum · 26/01/2026 07:54

I you faff around no you can't go. Carry on.

WelshRabBite · 26/01/2026 07:51

I would tell her that the yoga teacher has banned her because of her bad behaviour last time annoyed the other class members who had paid to be there.

Moves the decision onto another person and makes her realise that she’s dealing with the consequences of her own actions.

Mix56 · 26/01/2026 07:41

You tell her she didn't enjoy it, It is YOUR activity that you pay for & she was misbehaved. You wont take her again until she learns to behave in public.
She can do something with her FATHER

Original poster

CatherineFR · 26/01/2026 07:24

To be honest I think the tantrum yesterday was more because I took SD2 to brunch afterwards (I often go myself) than the yoga. But SD2 very rarely gets treats like that and SD1 often does after football. But taking SD1 out to that kind of thing isn’t fun to me because she’s often pushing for more - more expensive location, merch if we go to a branded coffee shop, to go to a clothes shop on the way home. She’s just generally pushy and it’s not a pleasant way to spend my morning.

Their mum is very “fair” meaning they both get treated exactly the same, all of the time, but I’m aware that this means SD1 gets whatever she wants, all of the time, because she’s so dominant over SD2. And they never get a break from each other.

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Original poster

CatherineFR · 26/01/2026 07:17

JuliettaCaeser · 26/01/2026 05:35

Is it allowed to bring such young children who mess about to a yoga class?! Bet the other attendees loved that! I thought you were going to say they were mid teen minimum.

The teacher brings her own daughter (similar age) and it’s marketed as family yoga, but all the kids who do attend are very disciplined about it. I don’t want to bring SD1 who is showing me up, but SD2, who is quiet and respectful, is very welcome.

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JuliettaCaeser · 26/01/2026 05:35

Is it allowed to bring such young children who mess about to a yoga class?! Bet the other attendees loved that! I thought you were going to say they were mid teen minimum.