To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

PorridgeEater · Today 11:03
Possible Compromise
Good weather: one sister am, other sister arrives for lunch, dog outside while people eat together, morning sister leaves, other sister stays pm.
Bad weather: one sister am, other sister pm, alternate whose turn it is to have lunch.
But I have a feeling op won't like it. Would take co-operation / planning....

This was meant to be helpful! Not getting at op - of course she can't put children in a situation where they could get bitten again - she would never forgive herself. And awful that Mother would rather play down the risk than deal with the sister. Very difficult dealing with these people.

I think you have my sister..! Put your boundaries down now as she is unlikely to grow out of it.
Mine hasn’t and she is 60+
I stupidly put up with all of it until one day I didn’t and toys were scattered far and wide. I kept putting in boundaries as time went on but she hasn’t changed. As a result I now have a relationship with my mum that excludes my sister who is apparently very sad and can’t understand how this has happened. Major rescue for my sanity though as I only see her at major family occasions now.

I don’t understand why people keep making suggestions that require reasonable behaviour and compromise by the mum and/or sister. Those are not going to happen.

Sorry OP but this all sounds so unhealthy. Have there been lots of instances of this family dynamic playing out throughout your life? Perhaps you’re too close to see how abnormal it all is.

Very few adults spend an entire day per week with their birth family once they have children of their own. Once your 4 year old starts school he will have parties and hobbies to go to on the weekend. I would take this as an opportunity to develop your own family routines that don’t revolve around them.

‘Enthusiastically mouthed’ - the new dog owner words for biting ….

I feel your pain OP. I had a similar situation with my DB's dog - also a cockapoo - when my child was a baby. He and SIL treated it completely like a baby and whenever I did bring up my concerns made it clear they regarded the dog as being of equal importance as my child. I'm less fearful about it now as my kid is older but the dog is still mental. We've always had dogs in my family too but I have often felt like certain members anthropomorphize them way too much and prioritize them over the humans, I find it absolutely absurd.

You could ask your mum and dad how they'd feel if one of their grandkids actually suffered a permanent or life-changing injury from the dog that they had refused to even compromise on. It's not exactly far-fetched, your child has been bitten already and these things are far from unusual.

Who said it was? I’n only going off of all the things OP has already suggested (and was shot down) and what the sister has already demonstrated.

The sister has demonstrated she doesn’t care about her nephews when it comes to their safety or their wellbeing. What reasonable person calls a 4 yo a wimp when their dog bites them? She doesn’t care about the mess she allows the puppy to leave behind allowing her puppy to pee and poo because it’s a puppy, her “baby” nor has shown any initiative into training said puppy properly and she definitely doesn’t care about the puppy itself since she leaves it at home alone for hours on end while she is it at work. If she sees this puppy as the equivalent of a human baby, I dread to think how she would be if she actually had a baby.

As I said, yes, a leash is a possibility but going off of previous interactions, I wouldn’t particularly trust the sister to keep to it and not throw a tantrum if OP took the kids and left and OP would be once again having to deal with sister and her enabling parents but it would be in front of her children vs saying no now.

I know you said you did not know anyone with a suitable dog to help your son get over the bite , so I thought I would mention how my dog is used. I live near a school and my small dog is used by all the mums who have had similar experiences to you or when their children are just terrified of dogs. If you do the school or nursery run, just pick a friendly face and dog.

For what it is worth, my dog goes everywhere with me but he has been trained to withstand toddler kicks and pokes and has a canvass hold-all that he can retire to. Would your mum agree to a canvass type crate as they can be folded down or stored in a spare bedroom or garage during the week?

Thsi probably runs deeper than just rhe puppy it sounds like your sister is an entitled menace anyway. If it wasnt this it would be something else.
I feek very angry for you that no one is thinking of your children's safety.

I agree, OP needs to be the immovable object in order to prevent anyone else from being the unstoppable force.

Broken record time. "The dog bit my child, as a responsible parent I can't allow my tiny children to be around a dog that may bite". Refuse to get involved in any debates, guilt tripping all the rest- just keep repeating that you can't have your kids around an unrestrained dog which has already bitten one of them.

Because the sister is the one saying she wants to see the kids. Therefore OP now has leverage.

Probably not badly enough to put her pup on a lead though!

I mean when Op's son was bitten & OP said she wouldn't go when the dog is there, no one seems to have said well what can we do to resolve this.

Just but I want to see my GC, I want to see my nephew/niece & carnivalqueenthethird is preventing that.

Oh, and just to say OP, expect some SERIOUS pushback from your whole family. You've already acknowledged your sister is a Golden Child. The full family set-up is One Narcissist Parent, One Enabler Parent, One Golden Child, One Scapegoat.

The dynamic is the Golden Child can do no wrong, is pandered to by the Narcissist Parent, who is backed up by the Enabler Parent, and the Scapegoat is punished for not pandering to the Golden Child.

You have just failed to pander to the Golden Child by prioritising your son's needs over her ridiculous wants. Narcissist Parent and Golden Child have begun their punishment by rejecting all compromises suggested by the Scapegoat, backing the Scapegoat into a corner and trying to guilt the Scapegoat into resuming pandering. Scapegoat has stuck to her guns, so punishment will be forthcoming. Enabler Parent remains hovering in the background ("My dad tends to stay out of it unless it really kicks off.")

https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/mothers-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder/golden-child-and-scapegoat/

This is a VERY good point!

Given that you have already posted
"I have a sneaking suspicion that my mum has been going round every day for a hour or so to check on the dog, but she won’t admit it. Before they got the dog, I had an argument with my mum about it and in that argument, told her she would end up looking after it for them. So she won’t want me to know and prove her wrong."

Your mother therefore has form for keeping things from you, and I'm pretty sure she'd keep from you that she'd taken your baby with her to sort out the undoubtedly-still-untrained dog, or that your sister had dropped the undoubtedly-still-untrained dog round to your mum whilst your baby was there. Because "she won’t want me to know".

"I can see it going this way, but it will be my parents that end up with the dog or they will be going to their house every day to let it out or looking after it at home for them to pick up after work. I can just see it now! Will be another interesting conversation when I go back to work as my mum wants to look after baby for us one day a week, but obviously she won’t be doing that if the dog is there!"
You're already anticipating this. I would get your childcare sorted out without discussing it with your mother, and when the time comes just express surprise that she thinks you'd be happy with that given how she has consistently prioritised her daughter's undoubtedly-still-untrained dog over her grandchildren. With a bit of luck, by keeping your children separate from the undoubtedly-still-untrained dog, you'll have trained your mother enough that she will not ask. But I wouldn't trust her for childcare, which is a sad state of affairs.

But what really angers me from your story is the plight of the poor puppy.
He should not be living with people like this (nor should any other animal.)
They are practising serious abuse on him by leaving him alone so much, and by allowing him to develop bad habits, which will mean he suffers for them as a mature dog.
They appear to have little interest in him as a dog per se. As you say, he’s an accessory. Repellent behaviour!

What @Millytante said is true. That they're out of the house so much 6 days a week, that's abusive. The shelter wouldn't let them adopt because they aren't able to be decent dog owners.

I suspect they got the puppy to get your mom's attention back to your sister. That's a really poor reason to have a live animal that needs a lot of training and care and doesn't like to be solitary.

Of course YANBU but be more consilatory saying it's just temporary until they have training sorted. Until then, you'll have to go alternate weekends. Though tbh I think every weekend with parents is excessive anyway.

Yup. All very sensible advice. A 4 year old is old enough to learn about how to be around animals.

It's a family, it's compromise.

From the OP's posts to date, I imagine the 'fight' will come from both sister AND mother.

I agree with those who are advising you to end this weekend tradition immediately.
Enjoy your own family time, and maybe bring your father over for ‘manly pursuits’ with DH and your son on Saturday afternoons?
Your mum could visit during the week.
I’d avoid that strange sister like the plague, myself. I really don’t like the cut of her jib.

But what really angers me from your story is the plight of the poor puppy.
He should not be living with people like this (nor should any other animal.)
They are practising serious abuse on him by leaving him alone so much, and by allowing him to develop bad habits, which will mean he suffers for them as a mature dog.
They appear to have little interest in him as a dog per se. As you say, he’s an accessory. Repellent behaviour!

Honestly, I’d report them, if that can be done with guaranteed anonymity.
(The breeder should be shamed online too of course, for his business naturally, but mainly for selling to such clearly unsuitable owners.)

Sorry when I say OP is not being serious it should say she is not being unreasonable. That somewhat changes the meaning!
She is protecting her children which is what she should do. The welfare of a child is always more important than a dog. And if the sister and grandmother can't accept that or guarantee the safety of the children she should definitely stay away. I was particularly concerned about the sister saying she can't wait for the puppy to be big enough to drag the baby and that she laughs when the puppy bites. Has she never read about children being fatally injured by pet dogs?

I will also be telling anyone who might visit that we have a kitten/cat and fully respect that some people don't like cats/are allergic etc and work out a compromise eg meet out of house, shut cat in separate room etc.